Biopsy fear

 So I am so fucking scared, nervous, worried, anxious..you name it...tomorrow I have to have the new mass biopsied...

I have over 10 tumors in my head...but they have always been in my head, never anywhere else....this new tumor is not in my head...it is in my breast and I am petrified that it may be breast cancer.

Because I am on hormones (I had a radical hysterectomy in 2016) and because I have all these mother fucking brain tumors, my chances of breast cancer or any other cancer increases... 

I simply cannot go through the horrors of radiation and all that goes with treating tumors or masses....

I have spent the last 5 years trying to grow my hair out to a nice feminine length...it is there now...I do not want to lose my hair with chemo...I do not want to be sick all the time...

I really feel in my heart that if this comes back malignant, I am just going to let it ride...I am 60 years old...

If the universe wants me, then I will not fight it.  I will live whatever life I have left to the best of my ability...I will live each day with passion and my last days will be happy.

So tomorrow, the biopsy...then I have to wait two more fucking days for the results.....FUCK,  two more days to dread, fear, and not sleep.

I do not want to die, now that I have finally started to fucking live.

S, Tessa, 7