Alone

 I am not sure why I even bother trying to be happy....it never lasts long, happiness is only fleeting and almost not even worth the effort.

I am finally back on a sleep routine without meds, finally  "ok" with getting my ultrasound on my breast,  trying to be strong for the test, and knowing my advocate will be by my side supporting me....so much for me sleeping anymore....back to the same old fucking bullshit of not sleeping....

then last night, went to fucking hell.....all the sudden his fucking pig of a baby mother decides she is homeless and he has to come and get his son....

No matter he promised me to me he would accompany me to the doctors, no matter that we talked about his visit and arranged for it to be next week, because "I did not want him here today, of all the fucking days"...but here we are...He is here so fuck me.I explicitly said, I did not want david here on my doctor visit day.

But I might have well been pissing in a fan...because when push comes to shove,....I am shoved right out the fucking door....His son is more important, and whatever fucking garbage lies his X spews from her stinking mouth, he goes running to her....apeases her, afterall she is the mother of  his child....I AM NOTHING BUT A FUCK AND A SLAVE SUBMISSIVE...

So today, I am going to the appointment on my own, I don't need anybody with me...I have been navigating doctors appointments all my goddamn life, and besides I have 7 fucking pathetic alters to babysit me.   I have dealt with doctors and my brain tumors alone, so if I have breast cancer, guess what?  I will deal with it alone. too.

Alone is who I am.  It seems he could have his son for up to 2 weeks or longer...so fuck our vacation plans, David and Jada are more important.

Jada and David are more important than me, they are his family, I am nothing.

S,Sophee

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------so, my fear has been become a reality.  I have something wrong with my left breast.  I have to have a biopsy in 2 wks.....fuck.

It does not matter how much you try to take care of yourself, no matter how much you exercise, sleep, eat right, take your vitamins and life a healthy lifestyle, it is all nothing but shit.

Taking care of myself has done nothing....I still have a fucked up stomach and liver, fucked up head, and now masses in my breast....I might as well stop trying to live anymore....

I should never have been born......I have had to fight and scratch to live my life....I have been second to anyone and everyone my entire life....I don't even have a mother to console me, I have no father to console me, I have no one to hold me and tell me its gonna be alright...I am so fucking alone....

Even my advocate cant be here for me because his loyalties are tied up in his son....I am once again thrust on the back burner for more important things.  I get to spend the next 2 weeks being petrified and scared for the worse......2 wks of living hell.....

I do not feel like faking it for anyone, I do not want to fake happy or whatever in front of a child....I do not want to act like its all good, when it is not all good.....and I am mad as hell that when I need my advocate the most, he chose his son over me.....and that is exactly what he did...he chose David....

I see where I am now....I finally see that I will NEVER BE NUMBER 1 for anybody....I will also come in second or last...never a winner, always a loser....a loser at birth, a loser at death...