orange juice with olives

 How do you turn off your mind?  How do you just lay down in bed at night, close your eyes and go to sleep?

I can be so fucking tired, and go to bed, sleep maybe 3 hours, then I wake up, and thats it...the rest of the night is laying there trying to drift back to sleep, but I never quite make it...

I understand when something is bothering me, I can't sleep, but what about the nights, that nothing is going on?  Everything is good, I am happy, no worries, then go to bed, and still not sleep...I do not understand this weird insomnia I have....I know that having DID can make a person have insomnia...but some nights I sleep like a baby (however, those are few and far between) and other nights, I toss and turn, and think and think and think...I CANNOT TURN MY HEAD OFF TO SLEEP.

It is so frustrating for me, and for my advocate, who has done everything in his power to help me to sleep better....its not his fault I cannot sleep...who's fault is it?

Lilly's?  7? Sophee? Sammy? Tessa? Ally? Sparrow?  the only one I know for a fact that does not affect my sleep is Kaos....so who is making it impossible for me to sleep??????

Probably it is Sparrow, she is always at fault, she is the host, our body, she is ultimately responsible for our well being...if she is careless, it affects us...She is the one that does not sleep...its her, all her fault, and she has nobody to blame but herself..

I just want to sleep like a normal person, get a good 8 hours every night...I still want to try hypnosis...I am getting to the point that I will try anything.....even if it is bizarre or strange....like, if drinking hot orange juice with olives in it would make you sleep...I WOULD DO IT..

I have been awake since 12:30, it is now almost 6 am....sigh

S, 7

Biopsy results

 Yesterday I had the biopsy of the cyst/mass...It came back "complicataed cysts"...It was drained and deemed benign...

The breath I let go of, I had been holding for almost a month...a month of no sleep, a month of dread, a month of fear....I lost down to 100 pounds with the stress of "not knowing"...

Having brain tumors, I run the risk of them metastasizing, and become malignant in other parts of my body... 

The distant fear is always there...but yesterday, I dodged a bullet, I seem to be dodging bullets all the time, all my life...

I wonder when the bullet will hit me?? 

I am breathing today..until the next time..

S, 7

Boomer

 So yesterday I was sitting on my balcony and decided to come in doors.  I was thinking about the biopsy procedure I have coming up...I am very scared about that.

I went in the house and gave Boomer a treat then he took it and went into the bedroom to lay in his crate.

We were all alone in the apartment.  I sat on the couch, after putting two feathers in the nest on my altar (I found the feathers outside). Then I turned on my salt lamp and sat myself down on my couch.  while sitting there I closed my eyes and started taking deep breaths to try and calm down...I am really nervous and scared for this medical procedure coming up) I was deep breathing when MaryBeth came to mind, then I thought of Kathy, then my daddy, then JR, Bart, all the people who have died this year, so many....then I felt myself going deep into myself, and all of the sudden I heard "Jetts voice", loud and distinctly...he said "You're here"....as I felt Jetts presence, Boomer started growling from the bedroom then he barked and came out of my room and walked straight to me on the couch...My eyes were closed because of Jett, and Boomer used his nose to lift up my  hand to his head and he licked me...Boomer brought me back...

Did Boomer know Jett was with me?  Did  he hear Jett talk?

It was silence in my apartment, except for me breathing.  Boomer was in the other room, none of my neighbors were here, no sirens , no noise at all except Jeff speaking....and that brought Boomer out to check...

I know dogs have exceptional hearing and smell, I think he saw and smelled Jett and Jetts spirit.

wow

S

Biopsy fear

 So I am so fucking scared, nervous, worried, anxious..you name it...tomorrow I have to have the new mass biopsied...

I have over 10 tumors in my head...but they have always been in my head, never anywhere else....this new tumor is not in my head...it is in my breast and I am petrified that it may be breast cancer.

Because I am on hormones (I had a radical hysterectomy in 2016) and because I have all these mother fucking brain tumors, my chances of breast cancer or any other cancer increases... 

I simply cannot go through the horrors of radiation and all that goes with treating tumors or masses....

I have spent the last 5 years trying to grow my hair out to a nice feminine length...it is there now...I do not want to lose my hair with chemo...I do not want to be sick all the time...

I really feel in my heart that if this comes back malignant, I am just going to let it ride...I am 60 years old...

If the universe wants me, then I will not fight it.  I will live whatever life I have left to the best of my ability...I will live each day with passion and my last days will be happy.

So tomorrow, the biopsy...then I have to wait two more fucking days for the results.....FUCK,  two more days to dread, fear, and not sleep.

I do not want to die, now that I have finally started to fucking live.

S, Tessa, 7

civil war/UUSA

 So the Supreme Court overturned Roe vs Wade.  This is a huge set back for women in the United States.  By turning over abortion laws to the states, that is giving the states power over the government...

Sounds like a precursor to a civil war.  It is amazing how fast and downhill this country is becoming...

The far right christians are marching...sounds like the North and the South, all over again...

I would never get an abortion, but that is my choice with my body.  However, I am only speaking for me...I don't live in another womans body, I don't know her home life, her health whether physical or mental, I don't know her needs, income,etc....so for me to say "YOU ARE A SINNER AND MURDERER BECAUSE YOU GOT AN ABORTION" and then try to block efforts for that woman to get medical attention is so wrong....

I don't tell men how to live their lives...So why can a man tell women how to live their life?  

Our country is not based on "freedom", the government is trying to take away our rights to "bear arms", now they are taking away  a womens right to chose an abortion.  Next, they will overturn legal gay marriage, make homosexuality a crime, then they will come after non-christians...

this is the agenda, to polarize our country.  

Get ready for another civil war!

The USA is now the UUSA...Ununited State of America.

 medical care, is so wrong a

Jeep

 So I have been trying to not "think" about the upcoming tumor biopsy...I am trying to focus on positive fun things...

My jeep, I am diving into "tricking" it up, with more decals, and all kinds of cool stuff, I love going to Jeep Shows and the Cherokees are not that popular at the shows, I think, because it is more considered an "old persons jeep", not a young buck driving an obscenely "circus" jeep...

I want other Jeepsters to see the Cherokee in a new light!!!

In fact, the Cherokees are much more unique and way more powerfully built and better built than the Wranglers and other more blocky types of Jeeps...Cherokees are TOP OF THE LINE...

Mine has comfort, and style, but it is also Trailrated and powerful as hell...So, Kevin and I are gonna just show those snotty nosed "Wrangler- is- the- only -jeep" thats a real jeep their ignorance........shit..haha

But saying all this, yes I am excited to trick my jeep out more, but at the same time "why?"

Why look to the future and try and do something fun, something that has a future (like jeep shows etc...) only to be told in 3 weeks I have cancer......

Whats the point of trying to be positive now???  Am I counting my chickens before they are hatched??

Should I put my life on "hold" until I know one way or another??

Every time I put myself out there, try and have a future, I am slammed against and wall and trampled under foot...whether by family, strangers, circumstances or health...

I have a REAL FEAR OF HAPPINESS...every fucking time I feel happy, confident, content, I am reminded of how stupid feeling that way really is....I am fucked over again, and again and again...

How many times do I have to keep standing up and fight?  Until I am dead?  Then what kind of life is that, fighting to die.?

So I am trying to not let the doom of "waiting for the other shoe to drop" scare me...

I feel like I am battling happiness because I know that Happiness is not in my vocabulary...I am battling an emotion that is so fucking foreign to me....

So, all that to say...what the fuck...

S, Tessa

thoughts and prayer.....

 Thoughts and Prayers....

Really, thoughts and prayers...will that help??

There are very few christians that I believe are sincere christians, not hypocrites I have two friends that are the sincere ones, despite my paganism, they accept and love me, they don't try and "save" me, we are just friends, really good friends, and they have taught me that not ALL christians are bad, or hypocrites they have been helping me with my hate of christianity just by being my friend and supporting me...

One of those friends, is now in the hospital with acute pancreatitis with covid-19.  This is extremely serious and she could be hospitalized for weeks or months, the chances of her organs failing are very real....I am so scared for her...

I wonder if her sincerity of god will heal her...does her god even care that "one of the good ones" is now very ill...does god care that this pandemic is still killing people??  WHERE IS GOD????

WHERE IS THAT FUCKING LOVING CARING HEALING GOD????

I am so scared for MaryBeth...she is such a gentle soul...

Are all the "thoughts and prayers" gonna save her???

FUCK FUCK FUCK

S, sophee

no difference

 I feel so helpless...I am down to 100 pounds, there is blood in my stool, my stomach is so fucked up, I am sure my ulcers are having a fucking party....

and I still have 2 goddamn weeks to sit and stew and pretend to be okay.

It is killing me, everyday, I am dying a little more...

I feel like I am on death row, and just waiting for my number to come up...

Try to be positive

Look at the glass half full

don't think about it

get over it

there is nothing you can do, so just chill

don't worry

OMG I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF ALL THOSE CLICHES...  

YOU FUCKING SIT THERE AND GET OVER THE DISTINCT POSSIBILITY THAT YOU MAY HAVE BREAST CANCER...YOU JUST FUCKING SIT THERE AND REMEMBER THE HORROR OF BRAIN TUMORS, THE HORROR OF NOT KNOWING...THE FUCKING NIGHTMARE OF A MEDICAL ORDEAL....AND STILL HAVING BRAIN TUMORS, NOT ONE BUT NOW MORE THAN 10...

I AM SCARED TO DEATH...I CAN'T EAT, I CAN BARELY SLEEP, I CAN'T EVEN DO ANY SELF CARE...I DON'T WANT TO BE TOUCHED.  I FEEL SO DIRTY FILTHY AND DISEASED....

AND MOST OF ALL, I AM SO STUPID...THINKING EATING HEALTHY FOOD, EXERCISE, NOT SMOKING OR DRINKING, NO SWEETS OR JUNK FOOD, HEALTHY LIVING WOULD MAKE A DIFFERENCE....

WHAT A STUPID ASS WAY TO THINK AND LIVE...FUCK TRYING TO BE HEALTHY,  ITS A WASTE OF TIME, MONEY AND EFFORT.

S, Sophee

always fucked....

 So, here is where I am at today.  I hate being a female.  Being a female is nothing but fucking shit heartache.

If I had been born a male, I would not have DID, those horrific things would have never been done to a little boy...at least not by my specific abuser.

If I had been born a male, I would never have suffered through a miscarriage.  I would never have had to have a radical hysterectomy.  I would not have to be on fucking hormones.

If I was a male, I would not be dealing with fucking masses in my breast...I realize men get breast cancer too, but woman FAR outnumber the men.

If I was a male, I would not be a servant.  Had I been born a male, I would be in control of my own life....not having to have some man control it for me....

Being a woman is a curse.  Pure and simple.  Especially a small woman...small women get absolutely NO respect.  We are nothing but little slaves, baby pushing slaves...

We are defenseless against abuse, especially against a big strong  man...

When a man walks in a room, other men do not look immediately at that mans dick....when a woman walks in a room, all male eyes go to the breast, and when she leaves, the ass....there is no respect for women.

Having breast is a curse, having a womb is a curse, having a period is definitely a curse, then there is menopause, another fucking curse, and what do the men suffer from???? 

NOT a goddamn thing, in fact, the older they get the younger their wives and girlfriends get....because women are nothing in this world...just maids and servants and baby ovens to men.  No man is immune to a young pussy....

A man wants a pussy to fuck, breast to fondle, and someone to have his seed....thats it....that is all a woman is....and I hate being a woman.

Still further proof that GOD is a monster, he created woman as a joke...because that is what a woman is, nothing but a fucking joke.  A necessity to procreate the species, no better than a dog.

I am to fucking old to get a sex change, the damage of being a woman is already done.

7 has the right ideal.  I should just adopt their ideal, and be gender neutral.  But even that, will not stop the carnage of the female chromosome...so still fucked...always fucked....some people are born to be happy, have terrific lives, and are loved by their families, then there is me...the extreme opposite.  Doomed from the get go, soon as my mother became pregnant with me, I was damned....

7, S

crash dummy

 So in 2008, I was having chronic headaches...I finally after many tests and experimental drugs was given a CAT scan.  Three weeks later, I found out I had a brain tumor in my frontal lobe.

Ok, but my doctor said it appears to be "only a meningeoma" harmless, but to be safe, I am going to send you to a brain surgeon.

So off I go, thinking, I will be fine, it is nothing....the brain surgeon tells me the tumor is actually attached to the Sattual Sinus artery or vein that takes oxygen to and from the brain.  Hmmmmm, he told me, I was risking a stroke if I did nothing....

I could not have surgery because of the placement of the tumor, I could either stroke out or bleed out....great.

Enter a NEW procedure Stereotactic Radiation Surgery...gamma rays.

So the next 2 months was more testing, having a face mask made, then having 14 beams of radiation shot into the tumor to kill it.   

Only after, all the doctors came out and told me and my family, well we think it was a success.....but....there was a leakage of one of the cones and 30% radiation hit unintended areas.  But you should be fine...then they patted me on the ass and sent me on my way....

for the first 4 years all seemed well...the tumor seemed to be dead, then the 5th year MRI showed more tumors......then the 6th year more until 2016 when I had my last MRI with 10+ tumors...all now crowding my frontal lobes of my brain....I have no fucking ideal how many tumors I have now....it does no good to check, I cannot have surgery and I cannot have radiation surgery either....one time only on the brain.

So, my one time, fucked me over....I remember every minute of every fucking day of that nightmare....it destroyed me, my marriage, my relationships...it changed me....

I had my yearly mammogram.  Found a tumor, 2, in fact...so sent me for an ultrasound, just to be safe, I am sure its nothing....so they say....they did 3 ultrasounds with the doctor herself doing the 3 one.  Guess what??? they found a third tumor, one that is not smooth like the others....so now, in 3 fucking weeks I have to have a biopsy.....

It is the same fucking nightmare all over again, only this time in my chest and not my head.....but its all the same.

The doctor told me that people with brain meningeomas have a greater risk of developing more tumors through out the body....GREAT, FUCKING GREAT

So, this is where I am at....should I even do the biopsy?  I do not do brain MRIs anymore....I weigh as of this morning 102 pounds...chemotherapy would kill me....I am too small...I have spent the last fucking 4 years trying to grow my hair out, only to have it fall out from chemo?????????  Maybe that is vanity, but I have never had a nice head of hair until now, I have never felt more beautiful until now,  and NOW it is all for not.   I AM NOT BEAUTIFUL, I AM WORTHLESS.  I already suffer so badly from nausea because my stomach is fucked (from more fucked surgeries), this whole thing is a clusterfuck, and I will not survive.

I promise you this, IF I have the biopsy, and IF it comes back positive for cancer...I will be taking a long trip to nowhere and never coming back.  I will not die sick, bald and suffering...I will die on my own goddamn fucking terms.  I will not suffer and be fucking miserable, especially not to my advocate.  The greatest gift I can give him, is to just go away if the news is bad.  And that is exactly, what I will do.  So,  I am going to go over my will again, modify some of it, so when I do leave, at least I will have done something right and got my orders checked.   

I will not talk to anyone about this.  The only person I will tell is my daughter if the biopsy comes back cancer...and then I can only hope she can forgive me for passing down to her the most horrible cancer out there....

To everyone else, I will just simply disappear.  I will not listen to "I will pray for you" "everything will be fine" "be strong, you are healthy" "its gods will" "you are overreacting" "stop thinking about it" blah blah blah its my fucking fucked up pathetic body and I can feel and think anyway I feel....if people don't like that, or are put off by it....well then, FUCK THEM TOO.

MY ENTIRE LIFE, FROM THE MOMENT I WAS CONCEIVED HAS BEEN NOTHING BUT A FUCKING GODDAMN NIGHTMARE....THEN WHEN I THINK I AM FINALLY CATCHING A BREAK, I CAN FINALLY BE HAPPY AND BE ME....I AM SLAMMED AGAINST THE BRICK WALL AGAIN....I AM NOT MEANT TO BE HAPPY...I AM NOTHING MORE THAN A LIFE CRASH DUMMY....

S, Sophee

Alone

 I am not sure why I even bother trying to be happy....it never lasts long, happiness is only fleeting and almost not even worth the effort.

I am finally back on a sleep routine without meds, finally  "ok" with getting my ultrasound on my breast,  trying to be strong for the test, and knowing my advocate will be by my side supporting me....so much for me sleeping anymore....back to the same old fucking bullshit of not sleeping....

then last night, went to fucking hell.....all the sudden his fucking pig of a baby mother decides she is homeless and he has to come and get his son....

No matter he promised me to me he would accompany me to the doctors, no matter that we talked about his visit and arranged for it to be next week, because "I did not want him here today, of all the fucking days"...but here we are...He is here so fuck me.I explicitly said, I did not want david here on my doctor visit day.

But I might have well been pissing in a fan...because when push comes to shove,....I am shoved right out the fucking door....His son is more important, and whatever fucking garbage lies his X spews from her stinking mouth, he goes running to her....apeases her, afterall she is the mother of  his child....I AM NOTHING BUT A FUCK AND A SLAVE SUBMISSIVE...

So today, I am going to the appointment on my own, I don't need anybody with me...I have been navigating doctors appointments all my goddamn life, and besides I have 7 fucking pathetic alters to babysit me.   I have dealt with doctors and my brain tumors alone, so if I have breast cancer, guess what?  I will deal with it alone. too.

Alone is who I am.  It seems he could have his son for up to 2 weeks or longer...so fuck our vacation plans, David and Jada are more important.

Jada and David are more important than me, they are his family, I am nothing.

S,Sophee

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------so, my fear has been become a reality.  I have something wrong with my left breast.  I have to have a biopsy in 2 wks.....fuck.

It does not matter how much you try to take care of yourself, no matter how much you exercise, sleep, eat right, take your vitamins and life a healthy lifestyle, it is all nothing but shit.

Taking care of myself has done nothing....I still have a fucked up stomach and liver, fucked up head, and now masses in my breast....I might as well stop trying to live anymore....

I should never have been born......I have had to fight and scratch to live my life....I have been second to anyone and everyone my entire life....I don't even have a mother to console me, I have no father to console me, I have no one to hold me and tell me its gonna be alright...I am so fucking alone....

Even my advocate cant be here for me because his loyalties are tied up in his son....I am once again thrust on the back burner for more important things.  I get to spend the next 2 weeks being petrified and scared for the worse......2 wks of living hell.....

I do not feel like faking it for anyone, I do not want to fake happy or whatever in front of a child....I do not want to act like its all good, when it is not all good.....and I am mad as hell that when I need my advocate the most, he chose his son over me.....and that is exactly what he did...he chose David....

I see where I am now....I finally see that I will NEVER BE NUMBER 1 for anybody....I will also come in second or last...never a winner, always a loser....a loser at birth, a loser at death...

Source collectors

 So there seems to be a new fad in DID where adults (who have DID) can create new ones to add to the ones they were diagnosed with.  They call them "source collectors".  I call it bullshit, and here is why:

DID is formed when a small child  is horrifically abused and the only avenue of escape the child has is their mind.  The child has absolutely no one to turn to for comfort or help, so the child turns to their own brain for help...the brain splits so the child can "go away" during the abuse....

An adult, today, has many  avenues for escape and help,  and to say they are forming new alters rings bullshit to me.  Adults with DID can develop new alters if they are experiencing extreme abuse again and are all alone, but that is extremely rare as I said before, nowadays there are avenues for adults to seek help and support.  I believe that these people saying they are forming new alters as adults are just seeking more attention and want their 15 minutes of fame.  

It amazes me how many fakers there are out there...DID is not a fun or glamorous condition...it is frustrating, confusing and the amnesia is frightening at times...I would not want anyone to have this, as it means they have been horrifically abused as a child, but to say you have it and were not abused, is so wrong....fakers are making it doubly hard for real DID people to be accepted and understood...

Please do not believe everything you see or read about DID...go to the professionals, like the CTAD clinic for the facts about DID...

The reason I will not ever let my alters be on our Youtube channel, is because DID is not entertainment, and I will not entertain the looky loos with my alters, period,

S, T, 7

two things

 So two things:  

I got to help an elderly lady who had gotten into a car accident...I gave her first aide for her bleeding arm, and climbed into her smashed up SUV to retrieve her purse from the front floor board..I had to climb under airbags. around airbags to get to her purse....really glad I am a small person and a contortionist, because I had to twist my body into a fucking pretzel, to enter her smashed car....let me tell you, her SUV had every airbag known to man in that car...fuck.....

the other thing:

My mammogram found two round masses in my left breast.  I have very dense breast and have had call-backs for further testing before...but this time, I have to go back and get an ultrasound and another mammogram of the left breast.  I will find out after they do those two test what the results are, as the doctor will talk to me right then...

there is no breast cancer on my mothers side of the family, but I am still very nervous....I do not want to have cancer...if I do, I will not do chemo, I am too thin already and chemo would just kill me...so, I am trying to stay focused on the positive and hoping the universe will give me a "all good" after my testing...

My advocates chest scan showed his lungs to be good (he is a smoker), but it did show a cysts on his kidney....hmmmmmm, but it didn't sound like it was a big deal...we both have our yearly physicals in a month or so, and will talk more with the doctor about his test results and the cysts...

It really sucks getting older, even though in my head I feel young and vibrant, my body is in fact, old and breaking down...I hate that....

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A friend of mine, and my x husband, was killed in an automobile accident in Florida.  Our friend is Bart Bryant, a golf pro, he has beaten Tiger Woods, and has won many PGA champion tournaments.  He was 59 years old...two years earlier his wife died of brain cancer.  He remarried a woman whose husband had also died of cancer...now that woman, is a widow again....

The randomness of life is scary....you never fucking know, I don't care how great a christian you are, you are not immune from randomness. Barts dad was a baptist preacher, Bart was a strong christian, but his god and his jesus did not stop that guy from rear-ending his stopped car at 60 miles an hour.  God did not save his follower...just more proof that there is no loving and caring god...fuck...

His daughters had to say goodbye to their mother 2 yrs ago, and now they are saying goodbye to their father....sometimes life just sucks...I feel so sad for the entire family....

S, Tessa