no trust

 So, its official.  I cannot be trusted.  I cannot trust myself, Sparrow, and I can't even trust my alters...dumb dumb dumb

It is no fucking secret I was addicted to drugs, pills, for over 15 years because of "pain management" and the brain tumor fiasco...I was medically detoxed separately from each and every one of them....Instead of giving me a pill that wasn't working, the docs just gave me another pill to take...along with the one not working...then one would make me sick, so I was given a pill to take to combat the sickness, yet I was never taken off any of the others...at one point I was on 8 or 9 pills three to four times a day!!!!!

So, I am acutely aware of my addictive body personally, and I am so scared to take pills....

Now, because of the not sleeping issue, my doc put me on a time release sleep medication and Xanax....BOTH HABIT AND ADDICTIVE FORMING....I voiced my concern about that, and he said, you cannot get addicted in one week...He wants me to do the pills for one week to get my circadian rhythm of sleeping back on track...then, go off the pills.....

Well, still more nights of no sleep and my head starts getting chaotic, even more so than usual....I do get suicidal in my thoughts, but not "I wanna kill myself, suicidal...I just want to sleep...sleep...sleepppppppppp

and in my stupid head, taking more than the prescribed dosage WILL knock my ass out and I can finally sleeppppppppp quicker than later..

So, I cannot be trusted with pills in my home, so my advocate has them hidden at his house, and hidden in my house...everything is hidden from me, because I am a child and cannot be trusted....

So then, I love looking at pictures...I have millions of pictures of my family, my life....my advocate has almost zero pictures...seriously...so I only know of his life, what he has physically told me, but no pictures, so it is so hard for me to understand, remember and imagine.  The other day, I decided to look at his pictures on his computer (he does not have any photo albums), he had tons of them there, and so I started perusing them,  like I would a photo album on a shelf....but I came across very disturbing pictures, pre-me pictures, but still disturbing as hell for me...I am not a jealous person, however, I am a very very very insecure person.  I am insecure of my small stature,  I am insecure of my "lack" of a womans body curves, and I have no confidence, what so ever, in myself. As a woman, as a girlfriend, as a wife whatever...I have ZERO like for myself.  I look in a mirror and literally see "Ick."

So, I guess I kept looking at all the pics, that I should not have looked at, and I, evidently deleted them all.....I remember thinking, "omg, I can't have these particular pictures on here, because I am so fucking insecure, not even remotely as beautiful or as curvaceous, I am nothing like the women in these pics so I do remember deleting a few....but after that, its a blurrrrr.  Why would he want to keep all those pictures of them?  My head "because they are real women, I am more like a little 11 yr old girl" and when he tires of me, then he has them....I can never even begin to hold a candle to any of his previous girlfriends....after all, I am a 8 headed monster in a flat boyish body...so I digress....

I did not have permission to delete my advocates pictures...in fact, I told him I would never snoop around at his house, I would never be that woman jealous of every single woman he has ever dated or been with...I DID EXACTLY WHAT I SAID I WOULD NEVER DO...I AM NO BETTER THAN A FUCKING JEALOUS GIRLFRIEND.  Sad fact is, I am exactly that woman....

So now that I know he has pictures on his computer that are not my business...I asked him to change his password.  I simply do not trust myself anymore...I also told him I would no longer be staying over night at his place unless he is off the next day....I will not allow myself to be alone in his apartment....he has drugs hidden there, and who knows what else,that is fucking just frankly none of my goddamn business....

So, I am exactly the kind of insecure needy nagging meddling fucking woman I never thought I would be....

Pathetic, trust is everything, and he cannot trust me..plain and simple.

S