life partners

 I have days, even weeks, when I feel like a "normal singlet"...like, nothing can possibly be wrong with my head....this DID, can't be real....

I am upbeat happy, positive, adventuresome and my alters and I are getting along....the alters are sleeping, and I am driving the car.

then there are these days:  I wrote this Feb. 12, 2022.  almost 4 mos ago...

     "Get the fuck out of my head.  You ruin everything.  Why does it always have to be your way?  Freak outs, that's all I know.  Your way, her way, it's way...fuck all of you.  Is it too much to ask?  You onslaught my mind with conflicts.  I am never at peace....NEVER, LEAVE ME ALONE...go away, go back to the depravity that spawned you.  I want to be normal.  Why is that too much to ask?"

I do not know the situation or trigger that made me write that...but it was definitely Sparrow.  Was I not sleeping?  Was I dealing with a bad memory?  I just fucking don't know, but what I do know is one day I am good, I feel good, then other days my head is just one big huge clusterfuck of alters.....

I am starting to accept the fact I have DID, and most days I am good with that, I am still living a good life...

Then other days, I am almost paralyzed with the knowledge that I have different personalities and the memories that spawned my girls...

I get overwhelmed and feel like I have no control over my mind...but the fact of the matter is, those girls, my personalities, have controlled my mind for me...they have kept me on the straight and narrow, they have literally kept me alive...they helped me raise my children, they have been my support, even though I was not even aware of them....

They have done the work, a team effort.  I should be grateful, if I had not developed them, who knows where I would be today, who knows the path my life would have taken after the horrific abuse....so they actually are "life savers, they are life partners."

I know that today, today, I am not raging against them, I wish that I always felt of them, like I am feeling right this instant...but I know that is not the case...a trigger will happen, a memory will come forward, or whatever, and I, Sparrow, will lose control and they will take over...which makes me angry at times...I want to be strong, when in reality, I am weak...they are strong.

So not only are they life partners, they are also my security team...and I don't have to give them a paycheck!

Will I write more "rants" like the one aforementioned above?  I am sure I will...will I mean it forever more?  No, I won't.

S, Tessa