Guilt trip galore

 So, I got a phone call from my dad (step dad).  He never physically hurt me, and he raised me from age 10 on...he is a good man.  But he is a preacher.  A retired police officer and judge, and texas ranger.  

When he and my mother retired, I guess, I really persuaded them to retire in Oklahoma so I could take care of them in their old age.  I do remember saying that...I wanted them to be close to their grandkids and great grandkids...it is important for my kids to have their grandparents, I never had any grandparents around, so I felt it important.

So, during the phone call...my dad said "I sometimes get angry with you, because here we are in Oklahoma for you to take care of, and you run off to Virginia, essentially abandoning us. " 

But I said for them to come to Oklahoma, way before I started my journey with brain cancer, TBI and the realization that my head is not right...then the memories started coming...I tried to commit suicide, was locked up, went through years of therapy and drugs trying to figure out why my "depression" was so crippling.

When I tried to talk to my dad about my childhood abuse, he said "we will never speak of this again"  I was told to never open my mouth about the abuse ever....then when I confronted him on lying about my very existence to the Baptist Seminary...he said "we all make mistakes, we have to put them behind us and move on", no apology, just a lecture.

Crimes were committed against me, yet I am not allowed to speak of it.

So, Oklahoma was no longer a safe place for me, my mother is still alive, she was instrumental in my abuse...yet I am not allowed to confront her, not to ask why? nothing.....so it is not safe for me to be around her.  My husband,  ignored my mental health, preferring to just "pray about it instead",  when I was in the mental hospital, my dad never visited me, not my kids, and certainly not any "friends", only my husband visited me twice.  

My dad did not mention ever that I was in an institution for 14 days, he acted like, everyone acted like, it never happened.

that is not a safe place for me....for us...

So, I made the huge decision to leave...it was either leave or die. PERIOD...so I chose to leave...and now, my dad is putting me on a guilt trip for leaving and taking care of myself, instead of them....

My entire life was, what I could do for others, nobody ever said "what can I do for you?"   not until I met my advocate.

My dad still hasn't said "why, did you leave? what can I do for you? how can I help you?"  Instead I am ridiculed for leaving, I am basically being punished for finally stepping up and putting myself first, and walking out....

I love my dad, and I feel he really loves me, so when he calls I am excited to talk to him, but then he says shit like that, and I am crushed all over again....it never ends....

again, why I left Oklahoma....

Sigh,

S, 7