Doctors Visit

 So, yesterday I had an appointment with my doctor about my non-sleeping issues.  I am so uncomfortable going to the doctors, because of my DID, and my history of doctors misdiagnosing me and stringing me out on drugs...

My advocate always goes with me to all my appointments.  This doctor I have here in Virginia, knows of my DID, he watches our videos, and has confirmed that there actually can be physical changes to a body when an alter fronts...ie, Lilly's eyes going all black, or my heart suddenly having a murmur, or other physical changes..He understands about how DID is formed and all that.

That is refreshing as no other doctor, diagnosed DID, and certainly most doctors don't even believe it is real...they just think it is acute PTSD and disassociation...and it is, but it is more than than....

At the appointment, my advocate talked freely about each of my girls and their impacts on my sleep, etc...it makes me nervous, and at times one of my alters would front, but they would front "being Sparrow", nobody ever knew that, but now my advocate recognizes when one is pretending to be me.  My advocate hopes that one day, my alters will learn to trust this doctor, so when they front, they can front as themselves and be able to talk freely to him.  WELL I THINK THAT WOULD FREAK HIM THE FUCK OUT!!!

I expressed my fears about him (the doc) knowing of my mental condition, and would suggest I go see a shrink, or even he would want to institutionalize me, or put me on anti-depressants.  But, my doc assured me he would not do that, nor would he report any injuries I may have on me as a result of Sophee...He is aware of why Sophee does what she does....but, I am sure he would like for me to never get to the point in my depression that I become suicidal and Sophee has to step forward and redirect my line of thought....but, I will not take any mind altering drugs....I can't, because it is just not me "sparrow" taking the drugs, its them too, and I won't force drugs on my other girls, especially Ally, the child.

So, with the help of my doctor understanding me and working with me and my advocate, I feel, better just knowing that he is not going to push drugs or more therapy on me...I have had enough of that shit to last a fucking lifetime.

Because my advocate keeps my xanax and ambien at his place and only gives them to me at his discretion, my doctor was okay with upping the mg on the ambien and refilling the xanax.  I am only given the xanax when I am super distressed, like when a horrific memory comes forward, or a family situation that is more than I can handle, or something like that....and the ambien is only given after a couple of nights of no sleep...so I am comfortable with those two drugs...

So, I am so relieved that my doctor knows about me, I don't have to hide or fudge anything, I can finally be honest about what is going on inside of me, it is a  breath of fresh air...I just wish I could have had this doctor earlier in my life, maybe I would be better emotionally today if I had.....

S,T