freedom

 I feel so safe here in Virginia and with my advocate...do you know how that feels?  To know that nobody is around to hurt me or "trigger" me.  No body here to "call me out as a liar", nobody here to ridicule me or use me for their gain...

I don't have to hide my true self in order to please another...I can be me, I can be us, I am free.

My home and my advocates home are safe places...

I can go anywhere I please, I can say anything I please, I can worship anyway I please, I can watch TV anytime I want and I can watch anything I please...there is no censorship, none.

I have been released from the prison that was Oklahoma....FREEDOM

Married to a prison guard, married to the holy spirit, married to his whims, his wants and his needs...forget me, make sure he is happy...fuck that...

My advocate makes sure that I AM HAPPY...My advocate lets me be me, my true self, he embraces that and encourages me to just be fucking me!  Do you have any ideal what a relief that is?  The weight off my back and shoulders are gone, my advocate carries the weight for me...

My advocate makes damn sure that I am safe, that Ally is safe, that Tessa is safe, that 7 is safe, that Lilly is safe, that Sammy is safe, that Sophee is safe and makes Kaos safe...he embraces ALL OF ME AND THEY TRUST HIM...that is not a small feat, it has taken years for my alters to embrace and accept and trust him,  they, we all know, that he believes in me, in us...he is our protector.

Sparrow

ears ringing...

 Sometimes when I start to dissociate it is as if "I am watching myself on TV"  I see myself, what I am doing, but it is as if I am watching someone else...doesn't seem real or reality....Sometimes before I start to disassociate my ears will start ringing....followed by a lightness or "balloon head" type feeling...my hearing gets muddled and I feel like I am looking through thick glass...then NOTHING

The NOTHING is the total switch, from Sparrow to another alter...Sometimes the switch is almost immediate, depending on the trigger...but sometimes it takes minutes, hours, even days of feeling "unattached to reality" before the NOTHING...  

Often I am able to catch the "disassociative" feeling with my sensory box...I can stop it with smell, touch, coldness etc...But oftentimes I cannot stop it, and frankly, at times, I don't even try, because I know that I am going to go to "sleep" and not have to deal with whatever is triggering me.  It is a weird conundrum...

The downside of totally switching, is the "trigger" or "memory" does not go away...it is just pushed to the side for another time (repressed)...Ultimate procrastination...sigh

When my ears start to ring...I KNOW something is about to happen...the hollow ringing sound followed by feeling "far away"...It took me being diagnosed  with DID, to understand that the "ringing" of the ears, is actually a precursor to disassociation and switching.  Now, I am better able to understand the disassociation and can do something to stop it (hopefully, the sensory box, for example) or, I can just let myself "switch"....

There is another DID system out there, that when they start "yawning" means they are about to switch or disassociate.  All systems are different, yet the same....

So, all that to say....I am growing in my knowledge and understanding of my DID...somedays I am fine with it, other days "I hate it"...its a love/hate relationship inside my head!

S, Tessa, 7

life partners

 I have days, even weeks, when I feel like a "normal singlet"...like, nothing can possibly be wrong with my head....this DID, can't be real....

I am upbeat happy, positive, adventuresome and my alters and I are getting along....the alters are sleeping, and I am driving the car.

then there are these days:  I wrote this Feb. 12, 2022.  almost 4 mos ago...

     "Get the fuck out of my head.  You ruin everything.  Why does it always have to be your way?  Freak outs, that's all I know.  Your way, her way, it's way...fuck all of you.  Is it too much to ask?  You onslaught my mind with conflicts.  I am never at peace....NEVER, LEAVE ME ALONE...go away, go back to the depravity that spawned you.  I want to be normal.  Why is that too much to ask?"

I do not know the situation or trigger that made me write that...but it was definitely Sparrow.  Was I not sleeping?  Was I dealing with a bad memory?  I just fucking don't know, but what I do know is one day I am good, I feel good, then other days my head is just one big huge clusterfuck of alters.....

I am starting to accept the fact I have DID, and most days I am good with that, I am still living a good life...

Then other days, I am almost paralyzed with the knowledge that I have different personalities and the memories that spawned my girls...

I get overwhelmed and feel like I have no control over my mind...but the fact of the matter is, those girls, my personalities, have controlled my mind for me...they have kept me on the straight and narrow, they have literally kept me alive...they helped me raise my children, they have been my support, even though I was not even aware of them....

They have done the work, a team effort.  I should be grateful, if I had not developed them, who knows where I would be today, who knows the path my life would have taken after the horrific abuse....so they actually are "life savers, they are life partners."

I know that today, today, I am not raging against them, I wish that I always felt of them, like I am feeling right this instant...but I know that is not the case...a trigger will happen, a memory will come forward, or whatever, and I, Sparrow, will lose control and they will take over...which makes me angry at times...I want to be strong, when in reality, I am weak...they are strong.

So not only are they life partners, they are also my security team...and I don't have to give them a paycheck!

Will I write more "rants" like the one aforementioned above?  I am sure I will...will I mean it forever more?  No, I won't.

S, Tessa

pictures

 So there is this facebook site that has pictures of MILFs...older women over 40...the pictures are beautiful, because women over 40 and even 50 can look amazing....

So, stupid me, I sent the site some pics of me...I felt they were pretty and even sexy...some of me in corsets, etc...no nudity...

But I was rejected....why?  because every single woman on that site all have nice big breast..some real some fake..but they ALL have full breast and are womanly in shape...

I have zero breast, I weigh 104, I am not womanly at all...what was I thinking??? They said the quality of the pics was not good enough...I have not had any professional shots done...but, as I am looking at the pics of other women on the site, most are selfies, done with their camera...just like mine...only they are real women.

So because I basically look like a little kid, no hips or ass, no breast, just skin and bones and I am not accepted as a "real" woman...

Talk about another blow to my self-esteem...fuck

yea, so there it is...another beat down of me....

S

no trust

 So, its official.  I cannot be trusted.  I cannot trust myself, Sparrow, and I can't even trust my alters...dumb dumb dumb

It is no fucking secret I was addicted to drugs, pills, for over 15 years because of "pain management" and the brain tumor fiasco...I was medically detoxed separately from each and every one of them....Instead of giving me a pill that wasn't working, the docs just gave me another pill to take...along with the one not working...then one would make me sick, so I was given a pill to take to combat the sickness, yet I was never taken off any of the others...at one point I was on 8 or 9 pills three to four times a day!!!!!

So, I am acutely aware of my addictive body personally, and I am so scared to take pills....

Now, because of the not sleeping issue, my doc put me on a time release sleep medication and Xanax....BOTH HABIT AND ADDICTIVE FORMING....I voiced my concern about that, and he said, you cannot get addicted in one week...He wants me to do the pills for one week to get my circadian rhythm of sleeping back on track...then, go off the pills.....

Well, still more nights of no sleep and my head starts getting chaotic, even more so than usual....I do get suicidal in my thoughts, but not "I wanna kill myself, suicidal...I just want to sleep...sleep...sleepppppppppp

and in my stupid head, taking more than the prescribed dosage WILL knock my ass out and I can finally sleeppppppppp quicker than later..

So, I cannot be trusted with pills in my home, so my advocate has them hidden at his house, and hidden in my house...everything is hidden from me, because I am a child and cannot be trusted....

So then, I love looking at pictures...I have millions of pictures of my family, my life....my advocate has almost zero pictures...seriously...so I only know of his life, what he has physically told me, but no pictures, so it is so hard for me to understand, remember and imagine.  The other day, I decided to look at his pictures on his computer (he does not have any photo albums), he had tons of them there, and so I started perusing them,  like I would a photo album on a shelf....but I came across very disturbing pictures, pre-me pictures, but still disturbing as hell for me...I am not a jealous person, however, I am a very very very insecure person.  I am insecure of my small stature,  I am insecure of my "lack" of a womans body curves, and I have no confidence, what so ever, in myself. As a woman, as a girlfriend, as a wife whatever...I have ZERO like for myself.  I look in a mirror and literally see "Ick."

So, I guess I kept looking at all the pics, that I should not have looked at, and I, evidently deleted them all.....I remember thinking, "omg, I can't have these particular pictures on here, because I am so fucking insecure, not even remotely as beautiful or as curvaceous, I am nothing like the women in these pics so I do remember deleting a few....but after that, its a blurrrrr.  Why would he want to keep all those pictures of them?  My head "because they are real women, I am more like a little 11 yr old girl" and when he tires of me, then he has them....I can never even begin to hold a candle to any of his previous girlfriends....after all, I am a 8 headed monster in a flat boyish body...so I digress....

I did not have permission to delete my advocates pictures...in fact, I told him I would never snoop around at his house, I would never be that woman jealous of every single woman he has ever dated or been with...I DID EXACTLY WHAT I SAID I WOULD NEVER DO...I AM NO BETTER THAN A FUCKING JEALOUS GIRLFRIEND.  Sad fact is, I am exactly that woman....

So now that I know he has pictures on his computer that are not my business...I asked him to change his password.  I simply do not trust myself anymore...I also told him I would no longer be staying over night at his place unless he is off the next day....I will not allow myself to be alone in his apartment....he has drugs hidden there, and who knows what else,that is fucking just frankly none of my goddamn business....

So, I am exactly the kind of insecure needy nagging meddling fucking woman I never thought I would be....

Pathetic, trust is everything, and he cannot trust me..plain and simple.

S

Eyelash less doll

 There was a little girl who had a littler sister and baby brother.  One time the family was at another home, a home with lots of adults and other kids...aunts, uncles, cousins etc...must have been some type of special occasion maybe Christmas or thanksgiving or something like that that families gather for.

All the adults would be in the living room, doing adult things, and all the kids, cousins etc, would be in a bedroom or playroom or another room, away from the adults...segregated.

The little girl and her sister had Chrissy dolls, and they carried them wherever they went...in this playroom, the little girl and her sister got into a fight, an argument that only sisters do...so in retaliation, the little girl grabbed her sisters Chrissy doll and pulled out the eyelashes of one of the eyes...now the Chrissy doll could only half sleep! as without the lashes, the bare eye does not close all the way.  

The little girl was tired of being bullied and spoken ill of by her sister, and she was tired of her sister always being a tattle tale, because that usually ended up in some type of punishment.

When the little sister found her eyelash less doll (it had been laying on the floor, unplayed with) she got very upset.  Of course, being a little girl, she lied, that I did not pull those lashes out...as did all the other kids, they all denied pulling the lashes out...but she knew, she was the culprit...but she kept her mouth shut, and tried to hide her doll under a bed....

The little sister went to her dad, in the adult room, and showed him the doll...

He came into the room with the kids, and told all the kids to leave that he needed to talk to the little girl.  He shut the door softly, and lowered his voice and started saying "why did you do that to your sisters doll?"  the little girl denied it to his face...he knew she was lying, even if she had been telling the truth, it would not have mattered...he had been drinking and stunk of alcohol...

He asked where her doll was...again the little girl said she didn't know, she left it at home, whatever...

In one fast swift move he grabbed her by her hair and pushed her against a piece of furniture, he put his hand over her mouth and nose and would not allow her to breath...as she was struggling to get out of his grip, he said in her ear "I can kill you so easily, I can hurt you worse than you could ever know...you are nothing..." and he continued to cut off her air supply...finally, he let go and told her to get her doll...

She went to the bed and reached under it and pulled out her doll and handed it to  him....the hurt inside her was so bad...she could feel her heart beating her up inside....she felt she would die of heart ache...

the dad took the doll and hit her over the head with it, and then left the room.

Minutes later all the kids came back into the room along with her little sister carrying her chrissy doll...my doll...

After awhile, the little sister put the doll down to go and play outside...she grabbed the doll and stayed in the room all by myself...two of her cousins (who routinely bullied her) came into the room and started talking in "pig latin" which she did not understand...they laughed at her, and one of them grabbed the doll out of her hands and ran outside...

at this house there was a train track that ran just behind the house, the kids were not allowed to play on the tracks...the little girl ran after them and they ran to some hay bails and tried to hide the doll, but the little girl saw where they put the doll and tried to get it...but they grabbed it again, then they ran and put the doll on the train tracks.....

they thought that was so funny, and a train was coming, the little girl could hear the rumbling...she was so frantic to get her Chrissy, that she ran to the tracks and grabbed her doll, minutes before the train roared by....

After going back inside, her dad was again waiting for her...the cousins had tattled that she was playing on the tracks...

Her dad announced that they were leaving, because the little girl could not get along with the other kids, and she was causing problems with them...when in reality, they were bullying her....

Once home, he told her to go and get in the bath tub, to get a bath before bed....in the bathroom, he came in and stared at her...she would not get undressed, she was so afraid...so he forcedly yanked off her shirt and shorts and panties and picked her up and dropped her in the bathtub.  He turned the water on, but only the cold water, no hot water, so she was forced to take a cold bath, in front of him....as he watched and smoked...

then, he helped her out of the tub and gently dried her off, then he literally carried her to her bed and tucked her in...she was so confused, he was being gentle and it seemed loving...

After she was all tucked in, he walked over and turned off the light to the room, and the door closed.  She was certain that he had left, but he had not.  He stood beside her bed, watching her in the dark...she feigned sleep.. It seemed like forever that he was standing there...so she kind of opened her eyes to see if he was still there and he was, with his penis in his hand, stroking it...he leaned over and gently rubbed his penis across her face...she immediately turned over to get away, and he grabbed her pillow, and put it over her face...

He was killing her, just like he said he would...she didn't fight too hard...

the little girl heard her mom calling for the dad from another room, and he took the pillow off her face, and left the room...but before leaving he leaned down and whispered in her ear "I am the only one that loves you, and he kissed her lightly on the forehead, like a loving father would do and left the room.

She was so confused...she did not sleep...she never slept again.

S,7, Tessa, Sammy

Christian Prison

 I was in a christian prison for 20 years.  What is a christian prison?  Is there such a thing?  How can a christian prison be so bad? And I am speaking mostly about born again southern baptist christians...

In 1983 I married a christian man.  In my head, he would be a good father, provider and husband for me, being a christian and all, he seemed to be a good man.  And he was a good man, to a point.

He was also very mentally and emotionally controlling, he was a christian prison guard.

Living in his home, his prison, his rules:

No TV shows with sexual innuendo was allowed to be watched, no "friends", no "big bang theory",  no sit coms of any sort...

No movies were allowed to be watched in the home that were rated above PG.  

If a show or movie was on, and a swear word or cuss word is said, the TV was immediately turned off by the prison guard.

The guard would not take me to the movies at a theatre unless it was a Disney cartoon or Pixar animated children's show.

I was not allowed to listen to any type of music in the home or in my car except christian/gospel music.

I was expected to dress a certain way, never allowed outside the home without a bra on, unless I was in my bathing suit in the pool.

I was expected to be dressed with make up on and dinner ready when the guard got off work.

I could not gain weight, I could not dress in tight fitting clothes...I had to be camera ready, so to speak.

In public, because my prison guard was a public persona (on the news all the time for Tinker AFB reports) and a high profile civil servant that traveled all over the US representing the AF.  He also, hobnobs with governors, generals, and other high profile people, so I always had to be "perfect" in case I was with him, or ran into any of his high profile friends in public.

My tattoos always had to be covered up in those situations, so as to not look bad in front of the elite....

the entire family had to be in church every time the church doors were open, Sunday all day, Wednesdays, VBS, Youth camps, revivals, whatever was going on in the church, we had to be there.

I was expected to teach Sunday school, GA's, youth...I was expected to be the supportive christian wife...

I could never voice my opinion on any manner unless I could back it up with bible scriptures.  If the bible could not back up my opinion, then my opinion was wrong.....period.

When I violated any of these rules, the guard would lecture and admonish me with scripture and God judgement, then lock himself in his office and give me the silent treatment...

If I was dealing with something, a memory, or a black out or whatever, the guard would say "let me pray about this", "let me ask God for the answer"...he never helped me, never sought to figure out why I was upset...I could never tell him specifics of memories, as he would just act like he was listening then say "I need to pray about this..."and I never heard from him again...

When I was in and out of therapy throughout my incarceration, the guard never accompanied me...he went to one TBI support group and left telling me " I have all the support and help I need with God, I don't need a group of people..." and he never went again.  

I was always paranoid if I went to a bar "Louies" and sat at the bar and had a beer...what if someone from the church sees me?  what if one of Johns peers saw me?  then it would be hell to pay when the guard found out.  "you can be causing someone to stumble in their christian walk if they see you drinking...or, you are making me look bad, like I have no control over my wife..." "you look like a hypocrite, church on sunday and bar on other days"....he would heap on the guilt and christian condemnation that they are all so good at!

He also would accuse me of having "sin in my life" when I was angry or rebelling against him, or if I was sick physically or even mentally, it was always because I had hidden sin somewhere...and I needed to confess and ask for forgiveness...

But I endured this prison...for my kids, and for my kids only...I did not want to leave and give them the legacy I lived my entire life with divorced parents, step parents and no stability.  So I sacrificed who I was down deep inside for the sake of my children.

But once they were grown and gone from the home, I knew I could no longer justify staying in this prison...so I started looking for an escape.

But sadly, the escape was suicidal tendencies, I felt I had no life left to live, there was no me, who the fuck was I anyway??? Johns wife, the kids mother?  But who was Melissa???  I was ready for execution.

But before I died, I wanted to take a trip, and try, as a last ditch effort, to figure out myself, what I wanted, what I needed, what I desired...and on that trip, I discovered I did not want to die...I wanted to live, but I wanted to live on my terms...so I left my prison and my prison guard. 

I didn't even care how this would reflect on the guard, I was done.

I paroled myself.  I changed my environment, moved 1000 miles away from the prison, I changed my name legally, I ditched Melissa...and Sparrow was born.  I went into witness protection sort to speak.

I am now a new person...Sparrow...I am no longer forced to be christian or act christian...I can be the pagan I have always been since a very small child...I realized at the age of 9, that god did not really exist at all....that god was nothing more than a tool to control and abuse others...

It is so freeing to be released of all the christian fucking judgment and condemnation that is what BAC's strive on (born again christians), I can watch whatever I want , listen to whatever I want, do whatever I want...I am free...and freedom is wonderful.  I do not have to worry about being a hypocrite if I watch an R rated movie, or if I say "fuck"...and I do not have ANYONE whispering behind my back "she did that and she is suppose to be a christian??  what a hypocrite.."  I have none of that fucking baggage and bondage.  I am no christian...

I do not have a pastor or husband telling me what to do, or what to say, or where to go, or how much money to give the church, I do not have anybody over me slamming me with the worthless book called the bible.

I am now in Heaven....the christian prison was my hell....along with the abusers that ruined my childhood.  I am safe, happy and protected, and most of all FREE!!!!

S, 7, sammy

Guilt trip galore

 So, I got a phone call from my dad (step dad).  He never physically hurt me, and he raised me from age 10 on...he is a good man.  But he is a preacher.  A retired police officer and judge, and texas ranger.  

When he and my mother retired, I guess, I really persuaded them to retire in Oklahoma so I could take care of them in their old age.  I do remember saying that...I wanted them to be close to their grandkids and great grandkids...it is important for my kids to have their grandparents, I never had any grandparents around, so I felt it important.

So, during the phone call...my dad said "I sometimes get angry with you, because here we are in Oklahoma for you to take care of, and you run off to Virginia, essentially abandoning us. " 

But I said for them to come to Oklahoma, way before I started my journey with brain cancer, TBI and the realization that my head is not right...then the memories started coming...I tried to commit suicide, was locked up, went through years of therapy and drugs trying to figure out why my "depression" was so crippling.

When I tried to talk to my dad about my childhood abuse, he said "we will never speak of this again"  I was told to never open my mouth about the abuse ever....then when I confronted him on lying about my very existence to the Baptist Seminary...he said "we all make mistakes, we have to put them behind us and move on", no apology, just a lecture.

Crimes were committed against me, yet I am not allowed to speak of it.

So, Oklahoma was no longer a safe place for me, my mother is still alive, she was instrumental in my abuse...yet I am not allowed to confront her, not to ask why? nothing.....so it is not safe for me to be around her.  My husband,  ignored my mental health, preferring to just "pray about it instead",  when I was in the mental hospital, my dad never visited me, not my kids, and certainly not any "friends", only my husband visited me twice.  

My dad did not mention ever that I was in an institution for 14 days, he acted like, everyone acted like, it never happened.

that is not a safe place for me....for us...

So, I made the huge decision to leave...it was either leave or die. PERIOD...so I chose to leave...and now, my dad is putting me on a guilt trip for leaving and taking care of myself, instead of them....

My entire life was, what I could do for others, nobody ever said "what can I do for you?"   not until I met my advocate.

My dad still hasn't said "why, did you leave? what can I do for you? how can I help you?"  Instead I am ridiculed for leaving, I am basically being punished for finally stepping up and putting myself first, and walking out....

I love my dad, and I feel he really loves me, so when he calls I am excited to talk to him, but then he says shit like that, and I am crushed all over again....it never ends....

again, why I left Oklahoma....

Sigh,

S, 7

Doctors Visit

 So, yesterday I had an appointment with my doctor about my non-sleeping issues.  I am so uncomfortable going to the doctors, because of my DID, and my history of doctors misdiagnosing me and stringing me out on drugs...

My advocate always goes with me to all my appointments.  This doctor I have here in Virginia, knows of my DID, he watches our videos, and has confirmed that there actually can be physical changes to a body when an alter fronts...ie, Lilly's eyes going all black, or my heart suddenly having a murmur, or other physical changes..He understands about how DID is formed and all that.

That is refreshing as no other doctor, diagnosed DID, and certainly most doctors don't even believe it is real...they just think it is acute PTSD and disassociation...and it is, but it is more than than....

At the appointment, my advocate talked freely about each of my girls and their impacts on my sleep, etc...it makes me nervous, and at times one of my alters would front, but they would front "being Sparrow", nobody ever knew that, but now my advocate recognizes when one is pretending to be me.  My advocate hopes that one day, my alters will learn to trust this doctor, so when they front, they can front as themselves and be able to talk freely to him.  WELL I THINK THAT WOULD FREAK HIM THE FUCK OUT!!!

I expressed my fears about him (the doc) knowing of my mental condition, and would suggest I go see a shrink, or even he would want to institutionalize me, or put me on anti-depressants.  But, my doc assured me he would not do that, nor would he report any injuries I may have on me as a result of Sophee...He is aware of why Sophee does what she does....but, I am sure he would like for me to never get to the point in my depression that I become suicidal and Sophee has to step forward and redirect my line of thought....but, I will not take any mind altering drugs....I can't, because it is just not me "sparrow" taking the drugs, its them too, and I won't force drugs on my other girls, especially Ally, the child.

So, with the help of my doctor understanding me and working with me and my advocate, I feel, better just knowing that he is not going to push drugs or more therapy on me...I have had enough of that shit to last a fucking lifetime.

Because my advocate keeps my xanax and ambien at his place and only gives them to me at his discretion, my doctor was okay with upping the mg on the ambien and refilling the xanax.  I am only given the xanax when I am super distressed, like when a horrific memory comes forward, or a family situation that is more than I can handle, or something like that....and the ambien is only given after a couple of nights of no sleep...so I am comfortable with those two drugs...

So, I am so relieved that my doctor knows about me, I don't have to hide or fudge anything, I can finally be honest about what is going on inside of me, it is a  breath of fresh air...I just wish I could have had this doctor earlier in my life, maybe I would be better emotionally today if I had.....

S,T

Stock market

 GRRRRRR, I hate when my alters do something and not tell me!

A week ago, evidently Tessa, did my banking, transferring money to pay car and rental insurance, which is fine, but when I look at my account and see that I have hardly any money (after insurance took their cut) and cannot cover my rent, then that freaks me out.  

I thought that the car insurance would not take effect and they would not take their payment until the 15th when my former insurance is gone...so in my mind, I would have enough money because I would get another paycheck before then...

this morning, BOOM...no money to cover my rent...that freaked me out!!!  My advocate said he knew I already transferred money for insurance and they would take it out on that day, the 3rd, but evidently that was Tessa he was talking too, because me, Sparrow had no fucking ideal she did that...Now, I have not enough money to pay my property insurance...

I do have money invested, an IRA, but with the economy tanking I am losing thousands of dollars a month, from stocks...and that scares me...

In the last year, I have lost almost 30,000 dollars in the market...

I am seriously thinking about withdrawing most of it and putting it in a safe place until the economy and stock market rebounds...I cannot loose everything...

But if people start withdrawing all their invested money to save, then the economy will never rebound...so I am in a no win situation...

I will probably end up in the streets....

fuck

PS:  Tessa, you gotta let me know when you are fucking with my money!!!