maybe today

 I am:

the one eared squirrel

the three legged dog

the declawed cat...

I am:

the skinny stray dog

the fleas and ticks that cover it

the maggot infested road kill

I am:

the gum under your shoe

the trash, blowing down the street

the rotten food in a sink drain

I am:

the parasite that saps your strength

the poison ivy of humanity

the brain damaged human

I am NOT:

worthy of love

worthy of commitment

worthy of happiness

I am NOT:

the apple of a someones eye

the taste of fine honey, or

the partner who is loveable.

I do not DESERVE:

love

understanding

patience

peace

or even sleep....

I DESERVE:

hostility

to be unhappy

to be ugly

to be unloved

to be thrown away,

like the fucking garbage I am....

I AM:

a horrible person

a lousy excuse for a woman, mother, partner, friend.

homeless in my heart...

I Wish:

I had never been born

I had never experienced sex as it should be

I had never allowed myself to be happy

I had not failed my marriage, my kids and my family.

I did not have fucking DID

DID HAS:

ruined me

ruined my relationships

ruined my health

ruined my life....

Now I am nothing but a pathetic loser whose heart refuses to stop beating...who has only fleeting moments of joy, followed by horrible bouts of despair and more than 90% of the time, I don't know why I feel or act or say or do the fucking shit I do....

I am truly a monster...an eight headed circus side show freak, the only thing I am good at, being different, being disgusting and being a nightmare to those around me....

I have no control...I am out of control....sparrow is nothing....

was born nothing, raised a nothing, and continues to be a nothing...

a sorry excuse for humanity....fuck... no better than Putin.

Putin needs to die, and so do I....

Time to fucking rid the world of the oddities that are supposed human.

I am not human.

Maybe today I will die.