friendships and DID

 So I have been all over the map lately...it started when we were going to do a video on "Friends, and how hard it is for DID and Cptsd people to keep friends"...

Kevin did a lot of research on friendship, singlet friendships, childhood friendships and adult friendships....

He found that with adults, friendships are different because every one has their own life, family, jobs etc...so friendships get fractured once you graduate high school and move away.

Then he researched friendships with people with DID...the issue with me and friendship, is my alters.  

My alters may front and say or do something that is rude, or bizarre or so out of character of Sparrow...

There have been so many times I have posted or said things and they offended others, and I did not mean too....the girls just say what they have to say...

Kevin found that it is HARDER WORK FOR DID PEOPLE TO TRY AND HAVE FRIENDSHIPS...he said that those in therapy are recommended to always apologize for "different behavior, or words" to whoever you addressed...

My question is why??? Why do PTSD AND DID people have to always apologize to make something right?  especially apologizing for things "they did not do"....Kevin feels this is wrong...Singlets don't apologize for their rants or behavior usually..so why is it that DID people have to work harder on friendships than regular people??

Kevin has told me over and fucking over "stop apologizing"...

So I took everything he said and "overthinked" it to death....It fucked me up knowing how many people I offend with my words...I NEVER try to offend or attack anyone with words...I just say what I feel or think, and the girls do the same....

Now, I am committed to be more cognizant of my behavior and words, especially on facebook...I am no longer going to voice my opinion on anything...Facebook will now be like every one elses...vanilla and boring.  I am not ever going to post when I am sad, or depressed or whatever...from now on, the facebook world will think I am just hunky dory..

I went into depression knowing that I will never have the kind of friendships I want...I never had friends growing up...because of my home life, I kept myself away from others...I only had one true girlfriend for over 20 years...she knew of Lilly, but thought she was a demon...and she rolled with my erratic behavior...I thought she was the real deal, I loved her so much..I miss her so much...but the minute I left my husband and moved away...she dropped me like a hot potato....

The rejection she gave me, split my heart in two....Now I am afraid to have close friends, but at the same time I crave them...

So I was dealing with the emotional fallout of my behavior and lack of friends...

Then I had expectations of something, got ready for it, thought about it all day, was so excited to get to do it...and plans fell through, life happened...and the disappointment was overwhelming...

So I felt a double whammy....fucking horrible week...Sophee even had to do her thing, so my arm is all fucked up again...ugh

I am better today...at least so far.

S, Tessa