Dreams

 So this past week or so, I have been in a horrible depression.  I have had bouts of anger and frustration that have literally caused rage black outs...I have broken dishes, I have screamed and fought my advocate, or said things about myself that are horrible.  

When I say "I",  I am referring to my body, Sparrows body, because the alters share my body, whatever they say and do, is me, Sparrow saying and doing those things, but have no ideal they are happening....So "I" is figurative.

I have been having nightmares like crazy....usually when this happens that means a memory is trying to surface...maybe one of the girls are getting me ready to cope with another horrible memory......it scares me to know that I may have to deal with another retching memory of my childhood....

So, last night, another dream:

I am in a house (don't know whose or where) and I am so tired, I am trying to find a place or room in this  house where I can go to sleep....but every room I go into I am interrupted,  I can't seem to find a place to lay my head down....

I am, in my dream, getting so frustrated, I am yelling at them to go away and let me sleep, I am so fucking tired, I ache with exhaustion....but no one will let me sleep.

So I go out the back door of this house, step down the stairs onto the ground.  I don't know why I went outside...maybe to find a place that is quiet and peaceful in the backyard so I can sleep...I don't know...

But as I am standing in the back yard looking around, a tall slim man comes around the corner of the house and comes at me....He is tall, slim, has like a blonde bowl cut parted down the middle blonde hair....but his eyes...one looked straight at me and the other looked off to the side, his eyes were cockeyed....freaky looking...

He grabbed me and threw me to the ground, and as I was struggling and fighting him to get free, I kept screaming for my mother "mom",  "mom"...over and over yelling and pleading for her to come and save me....but my voice had no voice, I was hoarse, I could not scream and yell loud enough...it was pointless to fight...I desperately tried to poke his weird eye out with my fingers, but couldn't get to them...with a house full of people, nobody could hear my screams and struggles...I was so alone...

As we were struggling on the ground...somehow his foot was coming down on my face, and I snapped awake......

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as I was laying there sweating and trying to calm myself down with "it was only a dream, you are okay" these words popped into my head:

         MY HEART BEATS SO LOUDLY

         THAT  I CANNOT HEAR THE

          SILENT SCREAMS OF MY MIND.....

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I did finally go back to sleep, and I think I slept pretty good after that fucking dream...

So, maybe that is my alter (the one trying to give me a memory?) letting me rest, getting my body rested, to deal with the horror of yet another memory...I don't know...I just fucking don't know.

S, sammy