DID and emotion

 I have to say, that sometimes what I blog is what I am going through or feeling in that moment...It is not a commentary on how I feel ALL THE TIME.

When I am in an emotional moment, I say or write how I feel, how I am perceiving  an incident or whatever, how my mind "at the time" is trying to deal with and disseminate the onslaught of thoughts, emotions that are in my head...

It is just not me, with all those thoughts and emotions, my alters also feel things, they are not unfeeling robots that live in my head...they are individual personalities that have their own ideals, thoughts, likes, dislikes, etc...that are different than mine, Sparrow.

So maybe something happens and it upsets me, for whatever reason, but it may also upset someone else for a different reason...so now in my head I am upset, and one or more of the others may be upset, yet I DO NOT KNOW WHY THEY ARE UPSET..and if I don't know why they are upset, it fucks me up, because the emotion I am feeling is magnified and I can't separate what feeling is what, what feeling belongs to who, and why am I feeling this way too....??? I know my feelings and why, but I don't know theirs, and that is confusing, and frustrating and  it reeks havoc on those around me, because they are trying to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me....

It takes extraordinary patience and understanding to let my/our outburst slide off their backs and not let it bother them....THAT IS MY ADVOCATE...  He has amazing patience and understanding with me, he does not hold a grudge, he understands the "war" in my head...and he never walks away from me, angry or disgusted...

So for anyone who may be reading this and think "fuck" she is crazy as a loon...they are right!!!  haha, no, I am not crazy...just "weird"!!!!

But, most people keep their feelings and emotions inside and do not let them out, they process those things in their head, work it out and go from there....I cannot do that, because it is just not me...it is very likely them too that are messing with my head and thoughts...So, I have to write, vent and rage in my essays...if I was to keep all my emotions and frustrations or whatever in my head and never told anybody, I would be dead....that is exactly what lead to my suicidal attempts that led to the mental hospital...because no one knew of my DID, no doctor ever even tried to understand me...everything I did was written off as "oh its her brain injury" or "its the brain tumors" so they tried to deal with me with those in mind...and completely missed the boat on the underlying issue of DID.

Medical professional doctors, therapist, shrinks etc...could not even find the DID...they diagnosed me with everything else, and nothing helped me....until I moved away, and felt safe again and the girls started becoming more comfortable in their lives as well...

It took a man, not a doctor of any sort, to watch me, to see the subtle differences in my personality, to take note and investigate.  It took my advocate less than 5 years to find my alters, to learn about them, and make their lives easier, and by making life easier for them, it makes my life so fucking much better.  

Fucking decades of being in and out of therapy, hospitals and counseling, and I was diagnosed for everything but DID...I was given drugs for all those diagnoses, and all those drugs did for me, was drug my alters...nothing changed...

But a regular guy, (who by the way has identical twin daughters) found them.  In part because of raising his twin daughters, seeing that they LOOK physically exactly the same, yet their personalities were so different, that he had an advantage in finding and seeing the differences in me, yet I was not a twin.  I was a singular person, that had multiple differences in my personality, that was not normal...

I am so thankful that my advocate discovered my mental condition.  I am so thankful that he accepts it, embraces it, and is open to all of me...Yes, he catches their wrath too, not just mine...Poor guy!

DID, is probably one of the hardest mental conditions to figure out, deal with and then live with...it cannot be given drugs to go away, it can not be surgically fixed, drugs do not "mask" the DID, the DID is cemented in my brain, not going away, ever...it can't, because it is a Defense Mechanism that is triggered to action for whatever reason to protect me physically and mentally and emotionally....

I am not two-faced, I am not a hypocrite, I am not a liar or a deceiver, and I am not insane or crazy, I am not mentally ILL.  I am Sparrow.  I am also, Tessa, Sammy, Kaos, Lilly, Ally, Sophee and 7.  They each have their own jobs to do in my system to help protect me against whatever is attacking me physically or mentally...

They are not imaginary friends...they are real. So fucking hard to explain and even harder to comprehend, but trust me, they are real as you and me.

So when you read one post, that I seem completely off the wall, saying things that are mean, or saying things that seem so fucking rude and disgusting, just know that I may feel something is wrong, one of my alters may feel that same thing is wrong, so when I "go off", please understand that it is most likely not just "me" going off, but them too.  Which is why it is so important for them to sign their work.

You will notice that often times at the end of my blogs, they do sign...they help me alot in my writing, and if they are pissed, it will show in my writings also..so now they do sign, so please don't think it is just "stupid ass me",  if they sign also, then it is them too!!

S, Tessa