car engine

 So. having DID is so weird.  Before I knew I had it, I would be going along my day and find myself in places I don't remember going...

walking into a room and forgetting why?

driving, and ending up at a strange place..why?

purchasing merchandise at a store, and not remembering that I bought it...why?

even sitting watching TV, all the sudden it will be like 20 minutes later, and I don't remember what I was watching..why?

people coming up to me to talk about something, and I have no ideal what they are talking about, or who they are...why?

Before I use to blow this off as "I am old, or having a senior moment"....

but now, especially when my advocate is around, if I all the sudden am like "why am I sitting here? etc...he can tell me flat out "7 was out, or Tessa was out"...and then I can account for the time loss....it is so comforting to know that my time loss and amnesia is not a mental disease of some sort...it is just the DID...nothing harmful or dreadful....

I am finally starting to accept the DID and my alters...I know that they serve a purpose in my life...I know that they are never going to go away...I know that they are there to protect me, my mind and my body...I also know that not everybody is going to understand or even accept this DID, and that is okay.  I don't need those people in my life, not anymore.

It is like having 7 babysitters, all the time...funny that it takes 7 alters to take care of me...I should be glad its not 20 or 30 like some DID people have...I am also so thankful that they are not out of control, like so many alters are with DID people...My alters work like a car engine...it takes all 8 of us to keep the engine running...without one of the alters, something would be missing in the engine and it won't run correctly...

So, my alters are my engine, if the engine is running smoothly, I am doing okay...but if the engine starts to sputter or die...then I know someone inside me is upset and I need to figure out which one in the system is malfunctioning..so I contact my mechanic, my advocate, and he will figure out what is going on, fix it, and then my engine is running smooth again...

That is why it is so important to have an advocate, someone who can help you figure things out...I am so thankful for my advocate...it is so nice to finally have someone in my corner, fighting for me, protecting me, and speaking for me...and most importantly, defending me!

S, T