this is sophee

 this is sophee...she is not sleeping because her brain won't shut up.  I cannot shut up her brain, I can shut her up physically, but that does not make her sleep.  her head screams and yells a mile a minute.  Its because of her brain that none of us sleep either...her brain is too active, it goes back and forth and over and under...she has collisions of thoughts she can't figure out, so she obsesses on them in her mind, and that spills over to us.  It makes me angry when she gets all "gonna kill myself: her getting over tired brings these thoughts to the surface, she starts thinking if she is dead, then she can finally sleep....NONONO

We don't want to die, so I have to fight her all the time...7 and Tessa do not keep her up at night, Ally sleeps too, Lilly never sleeps and I never sleep...don't know about the others what they do or don't do.

she keeps having a recurring dream that is fucking her up inside...she can't put her finger on the dream and she can't figure it out, so it leaves her confused and anxious and she cannot fall back to sleep.  I wish there was a way that we could all block her dreams, but we cannot, that is not what we do....

she is going to be all over the place today as she is determined to never try and sleep again...the frustration of not sleeping has finally made her snap...she is not going to sleep anymore...if she doesn't sleep then there is no frustration for not sleeping.

So, I will be waiting...she will be calling on me soon....

sophee

I don't need sleep...

 SLEEP...sleep is a normal part of the human existence.  Every living thing has a sleep cycle, to rest and refuel the body and get it ready for a day of awakeness...

But what happens when one cannot sleep?  What if one night I sleep, then the next night I am wide awake....can some people go multiple days without sleeping, is that normal...It seems anymore I sleep one night then up the next, then sleep, then up...I guess I am a sleep every other night kinda person...

the days I am not sleeping makes me feel so dethatched from reality...I feel I am walking in a hazy fog, I feel like I am in some sort of trance.  In the world, but not of the world...

I feel I disassociate more often when I am physically not sleeping, when I am in a fucking daze it is so easy for my girls to front and do their thing...I am too lazy hazy in my head to fight them...

I want to be hypnotized to go to sleep.  I want to see a hypnosis doctor and for him to hypnotize me to fall asleep when a certain word is said...He can tell Kevin the word, so when I am not able to fucking sleep, Kevin can camly say the "word" and I might go to sleep...a "sleep word",  haha

I am seriously considering this....nothing else is working,I have tried everything, ear plugs, white noise (fan) new soft bed, plush sheets, soft pillows, black out curtains, melatonin pills, I have an audio book to listen to, I have a quiet apartment, there should be absolutely no fucking reason I am not sleeping...I can;t blame my not sleeping on anyone or anything..it is the fault of no one and nothing...It is all on me...I just fucking cannot sleep like a normal person.  I have to beg for sleep, I have to damn near drug myself with sleeping pills, gabapentin, melatonin, sinus meds and even ibuprophen PM extra strength...and with all that, I may fall asleep for an hour or two hours tops, then I am fucking wide awake again....

Maybe my body just fucking doesn't need sleep...I am already a freakish monster with 8 alters, they dont sleep so why the fuck should I... 

So, I have decided that I don't need sleep.  I am just going to have to adjust my attitude and waking patterns to compensate for no more sleeping...evidently Sparrow doesn't need to sleep, just like the others don't feel the need to sleep...so sleeping is not needed. not when you have alters...So, I am not going to get ready for bed, I am not going to make my bed down anymore to sleep.  I am just going to be the lady who does not sleep, ever....

But I can't help but think, that if I do not ever sleep again, I will in fact become a psychotic animal they may have to be put down permanently.  So be it....If I can't sleep, then the depression will hit, then I will kill myself...it is only a matter of time..before I am put down...

wait for it...

s,7 sophee

car engine

 So. having DID is so weird.  Before I knew I had it, I would be going along my day and find myself in places I don't remember going...

walking into a room and forgetting why?

driving, and ending up at a strange place..why?

purchasing merchandise at a store, and not remembering that I bought it...why?

even sitting watching TV, all the sudden it will be like 20 minutes later, and I don't remember what I was watching..why?

people coming up to me to talk about something, and I have no ideal what they are talking about, or who they are...why?

Before I use to blow this off as "I am old, or having a senior moment"....

but now, especially when my advocate is around, if I all the sudden am like "why am I sitting here? etc...he can tell me flat out "7 was out, or Tessa was out"...and then I can account for the time loss....it is so comforting to know that my time loss and amnesia is not a mental disease of some sort...it is just the DID...nothing harmful or dreadful....

I am finally starting to accept the DID and my alters...I know that they serve a purpose in my life...I know that they are never going to go away...I know that they are there to protect me, my mind and my body...I also know that not everybody is going to understand or even accept this DID, and that is okay.  I don't need those people in my life, not anymore.

It is like having 7 babysitters, all the time...funny that it takes 7 alters to take care of me...I should be glad its not 20 or 30 like some DID people have...I am also so thankful that they are not out of control, like so many alters are with DID people...My alters work like a car engine...it takes all 8 of us to keep the engine running...without one of the alters, something would be missing in the engine and it won't run correctly...

So, my alters are my engine, if the engine is running smoothly, I am doing okay...but if the engine starts to sputter or die...then I know someone inside me is upset and I need to figure out which one in the system is malfunctioning..so I contact my mechanic, my advocate, and he will figure out what is going on, fix it, and then my engine is running smooth again...

That is why it is so important to have an advocate, someone who can help you figure things out...I am so thankful for my advocate...it is so nice to finally have someone in my corner, fighting for me, protecting me, and speaking for me...and most importantly, defending me!

S, T

stay tuned...

 So along time ago, I had a friend on facebook, and I sometimes visited her when I was in texas.  She was also my sisters friend...when I left John, I deleted my facebook account for a year...when I came back on, I was Sparrow and had a new account.

This friend, found my new account and sent me a friend request.  I accepted...but felt like I needed to send her a personal message.  I told her about my split from John, that I was in a new relationship and lived in Virginia.  I told her about my legal name change...I also told her I am back to my Wiccan roots, and am a practicing witch now...

I probably blew her mind...and I did not tell her about my DID...didn't want to shock her too much! haha

she is christian, of course, so I don't know if she will unfriend me or not...I don't care.  I was straight up with her, telling her about the new and authentic me, if she can't handle that, then okay...

This is the attitude I need to take...if people can't accept the authentic me, then they are not worth my time and energy...they are not friends...they will be wiped away from my heart, to not ever bother me again with confusion and frustration and hypocrisy

I know I am different...different than most...so I need to accept my difference and learn to live with that.

I will be curious her response to my message....stay tuned..

S, 7

friendships and DID

 So I have been all over the map lately...it started when we were going to do a video on "Friends, and how hard it is for DID and Cptsd people to keep friends"...

Kevin did a lot of research on friendship, singlet friendships, childhood friendships and adult friendships....

He found that with adults, friendships are different because every one has their own life, family, jobs etc...so friendships get fractured once you graduate high school and move away.

Then he researched friendships with people with DID...the issue with me and friendship, is my alters.  

My alters may front and say or do something that is rude, or bizarre or so out of character of Sparrow...

There have been so many times I have posted or said things and they offended others, and I did not mean too....the girls just say what they have to say...

Kevin found that it is HARDER WORK FOR DID PEOPLE TO TRY AND HAVE FRIENDSHIPS...he said that those in therapy are recommended to always apologize for "different behavior, or words" to whoever you addressed...

My question is why??? Why do PTSD AND DID people have to always apologize to make something right?  especially apologizing for things "they did not do"....Kevin feels this is wrong...Singlets don't apologize for their rants or behavior usually..so why is it that DID people have to work harder on friendships than regular people??

Kevin has told me over and fucking over "stop apologizing"...

So I took everything he said and "overthinked" it to death....It fucked me up knowing how many people I offend with my words...I NEVER try to offend or attack anyone with words...I just say what I feel or think, and the girls do the same....

Now, I am committed to be more cognizant of my behavior and words, especially on facebook...I am no longer going to voice my opinion on anything...Facebook will now be like every one elses...vanilla and boring.  I am not ever going to post when I am sad, or depressed or whatever...from now on, the facebook world will think I am just hunky dory..

I went into depression knowing that I will never have the kind of friendships I want...I never had friends growing up...because of my home life, I kept myself away from others...I only had one true girlfriend for over 20 years...she knew of Lilly, but thought she was a demon...and she rolled with my erratic behavior...I thought she was the real deal, I loved her so much..I miss her so much...but the minute I left my husband and moved away...she dropped me like a hot potato....

The rejection she gave me, split my heart in two....Now I am afraid to have close friends, but at the same time I crave them...

So I was dealing with the emotional fallout of my behavior and lack of friends...

Then I had expectations of something, got ready for it, thought about it all day, was so excited to get to do it...and plans fell through, life happened...and the disappointment was overwhelming...

So I felt a double whammy....fucking horrible week...Sophee even had to do her thing, so my arm is all fucked up again...ugh

I am better today...at least so far.

S, Tessa

DID and PTSD and memories (with an added footnote)

 So, I want to talk about DID and PTSD.

When an adult remembers something from the past, an adult can process the memory from an adult stand point, understanding that that happening was a long time ago...Yes, it may hurt, remembering the bad memory, but as an adult, a singlet, you can work through it and recognize that it was a long time ago and not happening now.

But with a person who has DID, a memory can, and often does trigger a full blown PTSD attack.  Post Traumatic Stress Disorder....

In the moment that the "memory" is coming forward,  I am reliving the ordeal as if it is happening in real time...as if I am still that little girl,  I am not an adult remembering, I am an alter or a little girl...I am feeling the abject horror and pain of the memory....it is real, and in real time.....in my head....

I had another memory, that first started as a nightmare....and turns out, that nightmare was my alter "Sammy"s...the trauma was happening to her...because she does not speak....

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was this little girl, she was very quiet and never spoke, at least he never heard her utter a word, maybe he thought she was actually a mute, but whatever, Sammy never talked...her silence ensured that her siblings would not be hurt...

She was in the backyard, and her neighbor, Mr. Marc (who also shared the backyard as the home was a duplex) he came back there and walked up to  her....He would stare at her with those cock-eyed eyes of his, was he looking at her? or was he looking to the side? was so hard to tell...his eyes were very scary...

Started out that he would just talk softly to her, trying to gain her confidence, I guess, but then he would say "I need to go potty"....he would undo his pants and take his dick out and show it to her, then he would say, "make sure nobody sees me potty", and he would proceed to piss on the ground next to her....if she looked away, he would grab her head of hair and jerk her head down and force her to watch him piss on the ground.....when he was done....he would take her shirt or shorts or little dress and use it as toilet paper, to wipe the piss off his dick....then he would smirk, wink that funky eye, and put his finger to his lips as if to say "shhhhh".....then he would go back into his house.

This happened 4 or 5 times, I cannot remember for sure....When her mother would tell her to go outside and play...she was afraid too, as Mr Marc would see her out there...so she was afraid of being in the house with her mom and dad, and she was afraid to go outside because of Mr Marc.  She lived in constant fear....

but she never spoke a word of the happenings to anyone, ever...she did not talk.  Her silence saved her family.......

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is what causes DID....relentless abuse and constant fear...and fucking NOBODY to turn too for help or comfort...abject loneliness....

I was not created by GOD, I was created by monsters.......

S, sammy, 7, Tessa

----------------------------------------

I wanted to add an example to maybe help explain the "real" time feelings with a past memory...

If you have ever been stung by a bee, you know it is painful and irritating and all that...okay, so imagine you were stung as a small child...

then later as an adult, you remember being stung....NOW, there is no actual bee stinging you in your memory...but your brain the DID brain, remembers the sting, can feel the sting, can hear the bee buzzing, you are at that moment being stung...it is REAL, you feel the pain, your feel the irritations, your feel the fear, etc....IT IS REALLY HAPPENING TO YOU AGAIN...(even though it is not)...this is just a goofy example of a PTSD attack.

Tessa

Easter.....ugh

 So it is no fucking secret I am a pagan.  I do not believe in any deity of the christian religion.  They can only back up their belief system by a book, only one book, they quote scriptures from that said book, the bible.  There is absolutely no truth to the christian story.  That book, was written by men, period.  One lone book, does not mean absolute.  How fucking idiotic.

The Easter celebration is all about commercialism and brain washing.  

Buy candy, buy baskets, buy new clothes for church, go buy buy buy...its all about money and the bottom dollar.

Man created a god, because some man some where determined that he would be able to manipulate peoples emotions by inserting a death sentence of Hell...The whole christian religion is based on fear and works.

Go evangelize, give your hard earned money to the church (in other words, line the pockets of the preachers), repent of your sins, they use guilt and ridiculous rules that are stupid and inane.  

Easter and Christmas is one of the biggest money making holidays of the year.  Its all about MONEY.

Then other people decided they needed to make their own religion and to get their own followings of ignorant people looking for love and hope...they use them too...the Muslims, the Buddhist, the Mormons, Scientologist, then all of the splintered "Christian religions, Methodist, Catholics, Presbyterians, etc....its all the same.

IF the BIBLE was truly the spoken word of God, then there would be no room for interpretation...so again, all these splintered religious groups and organizations are false.

The earth has been proven to be billions of years old, yet the bible has only been around like 6,000 years...where was the evangelical god then???  Man created god.

IF the world was created by a GOD, then science would not be able to explain other planets, scientist would not be able to prove that Biblical happenings never actually happened.  The bible is a work of fiction.  Been disproven over and over, yet people refuse to open their eyes to facts, they would rather be deceived and manipulated and live in guilt and fear.

I will not be manipulated into believing a falsehood because some fucking man somewhere decided that there is a god of judgement and hell fire...PLEASE

Now, having said all of that...I have Tessa to deal with....Tessa is a christian.  She is the one that taught sunday school, was the church secretary, worked with the youth and helped to raise "our" children in the christian religion.  

How do I compromise MY paganism with her christianity????  The thought of church, attending a church or even watching some fuck evangelist on TV literally makes me nauseous and I want to puke....

Yet deep inside, my heart and mind is so deeply confused...I need to be able to compromise with my alters, as they obviously have to compromise for me, but I am the host, the Main alter and I have to deal with the physical manifestations, ie, depression, nausea, confusion and frustration...they don't.

So I feel that I have superiority of my heart and mind.  I feel that I am the one to make final decisions and they should just have to live with them and leave me the fuck alone.

I am compromising with the smoking of Sophee and 7. When I feel that Ally is wanting to front, I let her. I am compromising by having toys and doll houses all over the place, I am learning to put myself aside and let them front, I will even turn music on, if I feel maybe Sammy would like to dance...I give myself over to them...I compromise.

But I will not compromise on my Pagan belief.  NEVER

S

Dreams

 So this past week or so, I have been in a horrible depression.  I have had bouts of anger and frustration that have literally caused rage black outs...I have broken dishes, I have screamed and fought my advocate, or said things about myself that are horrible.  

When I say "I",  I am referring to my body, Sparrows body, because the alters share my body, whatever they say and do, is me, Sparrow saying and doing those things, but have no ideal they are happening....So "I" is figurative.

I have been having nightmares like crazy....usually when this happens that means a memory is trying to surface...maybe one of the girls are getting me ready to cope with another horrible memory......it scares me to know that I may have to deal with another retching memory of my childhood....

So, last night, another dream:

I am in a house (don't know whose or where) and I am so tired, I am trying to find a place or room in this  house where I can go to sleep....but every room I go into I am interrupted,  I can't seem to find a place to lay my head down....

I am, in my dream, getting so frustrated, I am yelling at them to go away and let me sleep, I am so fucking tired, I ache with exhaustion....but no one will let me sleep.

So I go out the back door of this house, step down the stairs onto the ground.  I don't know why I went outside...maybe to find a place that is quiet and peaceful in the backyard so I can sleep...I don't know...

But as I am standing in the back yard looking around, a tall slim man comes around the corner of the house and comes at me....He is tall, slim, has like a blonde bowl cut parted down the middle blonde hair....but his eyes...one looked straight at me and the other looked off to the side, his eyes were cockeyed....freaky looking...

He grabbed me and threw me to the ground, and as I was struggling and fighting him to get free, I kept screaming for my mother "mom",  "mom"...over and over yelling and pleading for her to come and save me....but my voice had no voice, I was hoarse, I could not scream and yell loud enough...it was pointless to fight...I desperately tried to poke his weird eye out with my fingers, but couldn't get to them...with a house full of people, nobody could hear my screams and struggles...I was so alone...

As we were struggling on the ground...somehow his foot was coming down on my face, and I snapped awake......

----------------------------------------

as I was laying there sweating and trying to calm myself down with "it was only a dream, you are okay" these words popped into my head:

         MY HEART BEATS SO LOUDLY

         THAT  I CANNOT HEAR THE

          SILENT SCREAMS OF MY MIND.....

-----------------------------------------------

I did finally go back to sleep, and I think I slept pretty good after that fucking dream...

So, maybe that is my alter (the one trying to give me a memory?) letting me rest, getting my body rested, to deal with the horror of yet another memory...I don't know...I just fucking don't know.

S, sammy

maybe today

 I am:

the one eared squirrel

the three legged dog

the declawed cat...

I am:

the skinny stray dog

the fleas and ticks that cover it

the maggot infested road kill

I am:

the gum under your shoe

the trash, blowing down the street

the rotten food in a sink drain

I am:

the parasite that saps your strength

the poison ivy of humanity

the brain damaged human

I am NOT:

worthy of love

worthy of commitment

worthy of happiness

I am NOT:

the apple of a someones eye

the taste of fine honey, or

the partner who is loveable.

I do not DESERVE:

love

understanding

patience

peace

or even sleep....

I DESERVE:

hostility

to be unhappy

to be ugly

to be unloved

to be thrown away,

like the fucking garbage I am....

I AM:

a horrible person

a lousy excuse for a woman, mother, partner, friend.

homeless in my heart...

I Wish:

I had never been born

I had never experienced sex as it should be

I had never allowed myself to be happy

I had not failed my marriage, my kids and my family.

I did not have fucking DID

DID HAS:

ruined me

ruined my relationships

ruined my health

ruined my life....

Now I am nothing but a pathetic loser whose heart refuses to stop beating...who has only fleeting moments of joy, followed by horrible bouts of despair and more than 90% of the time, I don't know why I feel or act or say or do the fucking shit I do....

I am truly a monster...an eight headed circus side show freak, the only thing I am good at, being different, being disgusting and being a nightmare to those around me....

I have no control...I am out of control....sparrow is nothing....

was born nothing, raised a nothing, and continues to be a nothing...

a sorry excuse for humanity....fuck... no better than Putin.

Putin needs to die, and so do I....

Time to fucking rid the world of the oddities that are supposed human.

I am not human.

Maybe today I will die.

Turning 60

 I can't fucking believe that in a few short days I will be fucking 60 years old....my life is almost over, and I don't have barely much time left to be happy...I have no kind of a legacy, nothing I am proud of except producing three kids, other than that, my life has been a useless waste of breath.  I have absolutely nothing to show for 60 years.  I am invisible and when I am gone, the world will not mourn my passing as I have given nothing to this world, except misery.

I have been cheated out of life...

I was cheated at birth, beat and humiliated, and abused until I was 9.

Sex trafficked at age 15 and 16.

Bounced back and forth between parents when they got tired of me...

Ignored and bullyied.

Married to a man I did not love...

Spent 34 years with a man I did not love, a man that we did not have a sexual relationship, except to make babies.

A man who put God, his job and his self ahead of all things...

Drugs, alcohol, therapy, hospitalizations, suicide attempts

multiple health issues and surgeries...

And I finally get the balls to leave my situation and move away and start over with a man that understands me, loves me, and wants to be with me, despite my DID, and I am turning 60.

I don't have many years left, and I am so angry that I will be dead soon without ever getting to live my life for me....maybe only a few short years, but overall, I will not live much longer.

My boyfriend and I only have a few years left together...at age 60 people start dropping like flies, heart attack, cancer whatever...so thinking I will live another 30 years is a fucking pipe dream...NOT GONNA HAPPEN

So, I do not want to be 60...I hate turning 60...I do not want to be reminded of my birthday...no cake, no card, no gifts, no phone calls...just leave me fucking alone...

Don't remind me that my life is over just as it is starting to begin....

54 years of unhappiness, filled with every abuse known to man...and I finally find happiness, only to realize I am a fucking old woman...too fucking old to enjoy life, to enjoy sex and youthful activities, to enjoy anything anymore...

I am now full of aches and pains and health issues that go hand in hand with being an old person....and I hate that....

I hate that I will only have happiness for a short while...

I don't want to be 60,  I want to be alive instead I am already dead.

S

DID and emotion

 I have to say, that sometimes what I blog is what I am going through or feeling in that moment...It is not a commentary on how I feel ALL THE TIME.

When I am in an emotional moment, I say or write how I feel, how I am perceiving  an incident or whatever, how my mind "at the time" is trying to deal with and disseminate the onslaught of thoughts, emotions that are in my head...

It is just not me, with all those thoughts and emotions, my alters also feel things, they are not unfeeling robots that live in my head...they are individual personalities that have their own ideals, thoughts, likes, dislikes, etc...that are different than mine, Sparrow.

So maybe something happens and it upsets me, for whatever reason, but it may also upset someone else for a different reason...so now in my head I am upset, and one or more of the others may be upset, yet I DO NOT KNOW WHY THEY ARE UPSET..and if I don't know why they are upset, it fucks me up, because the emotion I am feeling is magnified and I can't separate what feeling is what, what feeling belongs to who, and why am I feeling this way too....??? I know my feelings and why, but I don't know theirs, and that is confusing, and frustrating and  it reeks havoc on those around me, because they are trying to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me....

It takes extraordinary patience and understanding to let my/our outburst slide off their backs and not let it bother them....THAT IS MY ADVOCATE...  He has amazing patience and understanding with me, he does not hold a grudge, he understands the "war" in my head...and he never walks away from me, angry or disgusted...

So for anyone who may be reading this and think "fuck" she is crazy as a loon...they are right!!!  haha, no, I am not crazy...just "weird"!!!!

But, most people keep their feelings and emotions inside and do not let them out, they process those things in their head, work it out and go from there....I cannot do that, because it is just not me...it is very likely them too that are messing with my head and thoughts...So, I have to write, vent and rage in my essays...if I was to keep all my emotions and frustrations or whatever in my head and never told anybody, I would be dead....that is exactly what lead to my suicidal attempts that led to the mental hospital...because no one knew of my DID, no doctor ever even tried to understand me...everything I did was written off as "oh its her brain injury" or "its the brain tumors" so they tried to deal with me with those in mind...and completely missed the boat on the underlying issue of DID.

Medical professional doctors, therapist, shrinks etc...could not even find the DID...they diagnosed me with everything else, and nothing helped me....until I moved away, and felt safe again and the girls started becoming more comfortable in their lives as well...

It took a man, not a doctor of any sort, to watch me, to see the subtle differences in my personality, to take note and investigate.  It took my advocate less than 5 years to find my alters, to learn about them, and make their lives easier, and by making life easier for them, it makes my life so fucking much better.  

Fucking decades of being in and out of therapy, hospitals and counseling, and I was diagnosed for everything but DID...I was given drugs for all those diagnoses, and all those drugs did for me, was drug my alters...nothing changed...

But a regular guy, (who by the way has identical twin daughters) found them.  In part because of raising his twin daughters, seeing that they LOOK physically exactly the same, yet their personalities were so different, that he had an advantage in finding and seeing the differences in me, yet I was not a twin.  I was a singular person, that had multiple differences in my personality, that was not normal...

I am so thankful that my advocate discovered my mental condition.  I am so thankful that he accepts it, embraces it, and is open to all of me...Yes, he catches their wrath too, not just mine...Poor guy!

DID, is probably one of the hardest mental conditions to figure out, deal with and then live with...it cannot be given drugs to go away, it can not be surgically fixed, drugs do not "mask" the DID, the DID is cemented in my brain, not going away, ever...it can't, because it is a Defense Mechanism that is triggered to action for whatever reason to protect me physically and mentally and emotionally....

I am not two-faced, I am not a hypocrite, I am not a liar or a deceiver, and I am not insane or crazy, I am not mentally ILL.  I am Sparrow.  I am also, Tessa, Sammy, Kaos, Lilly, Ally, Sophee and 7.  They each have their own jobs to do in my system to help protect me against whatever is attacking me physically or mentally...

They are not imaginary friends...they are real. So fucking hard to explain and even harder to comprehend, but trust me, they are real as you and me.

So when you read one post, that I seem completely off the wall, saying things that are mean, or saying things that seem so fucking rude and disgusting, just know that I may feel something is wrong, one of my alters may feel that same thing is wrong, so when I "go off", please understand that it is most likely not just "me" going off, but them too.  Which is why it is so important for them to sign their work.

You will notice that often times at the end of my blogs, they do sign...they help me alot in my writing, and if they are pissed, it will show in my writings also..so now they do sign, so please don't think it is just "stupid ass me",  if they sign also, then it is them too!!

S, Tessa