never ask for help

 I feel myself starting to fall, mentally.  I think it is because Sophee seriously injured my wrist...I had to go to the fucking ER and everything...

When she does this to me, it makes me feel so aggravated, and it makes me feel like an abused women...the injury makes me have to slow down and basically be a baby "will you do this for me, or that for me?"  I hate asking for help for things I can usually fucking do myself.  It makes me feel needy and childish...

So, I have been trying to stay upbeat...My advocate is helping me, of course, but I don't want help, I want to be able to take care of myself...but fucking sophee won't let me...

But because I am so fucking weary and pissed off about my wrist, other things are starting to get to me:...

the one thing that gets to me the most is asking someone to please do something, and they do it, but not what I actually asked them to do...they only hear half of my comment or request and the other half they don't hear or they ignore...

for example:  please take this bag to the trash, and put this bag in the car.  And later I find out both bags were placed in the trash...So I was only half listened too, and half ignored...

So many times I am talking with someone who is only half listening to me, their ears only perk up if I am in distress or adamant about something, if I am just talking, I am usually ignored...

At the dinners we have gone too, the munchs etc...I find that if I talk to anyone, I am usually cut off mid sentence, or I say something, then the next sentence out of the persons mouth I was talking too, is totally unrelated and has nothing to do with what the subject was I was talking about.  I am constantly cut off, not listened too, or only given curtesy attention....

THIS HAS BEEN MY ENTIRE LIFE AND IT GOES ON TODAY.... I try not to nag anybody...I have found that it is just easier to do things for myself...because if I do ask someone to do something for me, 7 times out of 10, it either doesn't get done or it is done, but not as I asked for it to be...so I have to go and just do it myself...Like the trash thing,  I just had to walk down and dig in the dumpster until I found the bag of stuff I wanted in the car.....

So much easier to just fucking do everything myself, at least all the easy stuff, the stuff I can damn well do without help...the other stuff, I have to bite my tongue and humble my ass to ask for help...

So, now today I am struggling with not going into my downward spiral and it is fucking raining and dark outside...great  a mood lifter for sure!  FUCK

I am going to fake it today...I am going to act like everything is great with me...I am going to fake it until I make it, lie until it is not a lie anymore...

S,Tessa