Boo-bear

 When my kids were smaller, I think my daughter was around 12 or 13, I got a kitten from a friend.  We already  had Rassie (Satan) but she was my daughters cat.  So I got a really long hair fury white cat with black eyes and ears...had really cool markings.

I loved this cat.  His name was Boo, and I called him boo-bear.  He rode in the car with me, laying out on my front or back dash, he loved soaking up the sun on the car dash.  When he was little, he use to stay in my purse...I took him everywhere.  He was the coolest cat I ever had.

Boo was an indoor cat, but there was a cat door on my garage door (that led from the kitchen to the garage) and the cats would come to the garage to do their pooping and peeing (their box was inside the garage).  So I knew and everyone knew to be careful pulling the car out of the garage, as the cats may be in there and try to escape through the garage door pulling up....

One early afternoon, I had some errands to run...The kids were all in school, and John was at work.  I went to the garage and opened the door...I did not see any cats, so I got in  my van and proceeded to pull out of the garage.  I did not look good enough....

I hit something, I thought it was one of the kids bikes...so I got out and behind my wheel, I had hit Boo.  Boo had been trying to go out of the garage before my van, and I ran over him.

I killed my cat.  My favorite cat of all time....The coolest cat...the cat that had the funniest antics, the cat that loved car rides, the cat that loved to be petted and loved on....I killed my cat with my van.

I was devastated,,,I just sat there and wailed and cried...the errand forgotten.  My back wheel broke his back and he died in my arms.  I held him and told him I was so sorry over and over and then he took his last breath.  I couldn't believe it..  I wrapped him up in a blanket and finally called my husband.  He said he couldn't come home, to just wrap him up and he would bury him behind the pool when he got home.....I was devastated and he couldn't come home to be with me....

I told him that he got out and a car driving down the street hit him...I lied....I could not bear to tell my husband or my kids that I was the one who ran over Boo.

Later, after the kids got home, we all watched as he dug a hole and put Boo to rest.  

My daughter was so sad...imagine what she would have thought if her and the boys knew that it was me that killed the cat.....I KILLED BOO...I DID NOT LOOK GOOD ENOUGH BEFORE I STARTED TO BACK OUT MY VAN, I WAS IN A HURRY...I WAS CARELESS AND NOW MY BELOVED CAT WAS DEAD AT MY HANDS...

I FELT LIKE A MONSTER, AN ANIMAL KILLER, NO BETTER THAN THAT MONSTER WHO KILLED MY OTHER PETS...I know it was an accident, but it was an accident that could have been avoided had I just been more careful...My carelessness culminated in the death, a brutal death of my kitty.

I remember his last breath...and when his soul left, part of mine left too....My husband did not know that it was ME....It was ME that murdered my cat....

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Lilly took that memory from me....in fact, I forgot all about Boo until the other day, he came to mind, and I found a picture of him..I can remember what happened to ALL my pets, but I could not remember what happened to Boo,,,,so I asked my husband and daughter and they said "he was hit by a car"....but I knew it was more, because I would have remembered that....I did not even remember burying him, it was like he vanished...

Now I know,  the memory was finally released to me...The memory was taken because it was me that killed him, I ran over him.....now I remember....

Lilly was looking out for me...but was she really????

Now I have to deal with it, and it is as fresh as if it had happened yesterday or today...the pain in my cats eyes, the last breath, feeling his life leave his body....because of ME.

It hurts so bad, I can barely breath.....

S, T, 7