A loner

 I am not comfortable blogging anymore....All I seem to do is gripe and complain.  If I post what is bothering me, how and why...it comes back to bite me in the ass....

Remember what you heard growing up "if you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all"..

Well it seems everything out of my mouth of late, is scathing and unedifying for all those involved...

I should be able to feel free to vent or post anything I have going on inside of me, but when I do, I sound mean or bitchy or just frankly stupid.

I sound ungrateful for the kindness I get from my advocate and the few friends I have that know about my DID...

I have been spending way to long, screaming in rage at the injustice that was my childhood...time to get over it....

I am not a child anymore....I am not around my abuser anymore....I need to grow a pair and then grow the fuck up.  I need to accept my DID and learn to live with it...I need to stop fighting against my head....my head is fucked, permanently deformed and I need to be able to accept that and go on...Just like a person who was born disfigured, nothing you can do about it, but to accept your fate, get over yourself, and try and be happy...

I accept that I am mentally ill....a disorder is an illness...I don't feel it is a "defense mechanism" at all, as I don't need defending anymore...Now the initial defense mechanism has evolved into mental "illness'...I may not need defending anymore, but I do need to be handled with kit gloves, because any disturbance in my precarious mental state will plunge me into full blown, mental illness...in the picture of "PTSD", "splitting", "depression" and all the rest of the shit that follows in DID's footsteps...

I need to be able to accept my aloneness....I have always been alone, alone in my head, alone in my friends, alone all the time....because of the DID and because people are afraid of it, I will always be alone.  A loner....Yes I have my advocate, but he seems to be the only person comfortable around me....

I have my dog also.  And I have 7 other personalities all crammed inside my head, so really, I am not alone at all, if you think about it...haha, but I am alone in that all the personalities reside in my body...one body...one alone body....one lone head...one lone brain, fragmented and broken beyond repair.

Some things that are broken, can never be fixed.  I cannot be fixed...

S,7