Puny

 I am so sick of my health.  If its not my fucking DID, its my banged up wrist, or its my stupid blood sugar (hypoglycemia), or its my goddamn brain tumors and unrelenting headaches, I am just one nightmare after another....

I hate my body.  I hate my split up mind....I HATE BEING SO FUCKING SICK OR FRAGILE OR WHATEVER...

Being so old, I am not ready for my body to fall apart....I am just now starting to finally "live", I am finally free, yet my stupid ass body is not.....

I am trapped in a broken down body, AND a broken mind.

Some days I just literally hate myself, my alters, everything about me...I am a certain mess for sure....

My dad use to call all my ailments as me being puny....."you must be feeling puny today", or "sorry you are feeling so puny", etc...

I should have changed my name to Puny, instead of Sparrow....

Because that is what I am, a puny woman....

S

never ask for help

 I feel myself starting to fall, mentally.  I think it is because Sophee seriously injured my wrist...I had to go to the fucking ER and everything...

When she does this to me, it makes me feel so aggravated, and it makes me feel like an abused women...the injury makes me have to slow down and basically be a baby "will you do this for me, or that for me?"  I hate asking for help for things I can usually fucking do myself.  It makes me feel needy and childish...

So, I have been trying to stay upbeat...My advocate is helping me, of course, but I don't want help, I want to be able to take care of myself...but fucking sophee won't let me...

But because I am so fucking weary and pissed off about my wrist, other things are starting to get to me:...

the one thing that gets to me the most is asking someone to please do something, and they do it, but not what I actually asked them to do...they only hear half of my comment or request and the other half they don't hear or they ignore...

for example:  please take this bag to the trash, and put this bag in the car.  And later I find out both bags were placed in the trash...So I was only half listened too, and half ignored...

So many times I am talking with someone who is only half listening to me, their ears only perk up if I am in distress or adamant about something, if I am just talking, I am usually ignored...

At the dinners we have gone too, the munchs etc...I find that if I talk to anyone, I am usually cut off mid sentence, or I say something, then the next sentence out of the persons mouth I was talking too, is totally unrelated and has nothing to do with what the subject was I was talking about.  I am constantly cut off, not listened too, or only given curtesy attention....

THIS HAS BEEN MY ENTIRE LIFE AND IT GOES ON TODAY.... I try not to nag anybody...I have found that it is just easier to do things for myself...because if I do ask someone to do something for me, 7 times out of 10, it either doesn't get done or it is done, but not as I asked for it to be...so I have to go and just do it myself...Like the trash thing,  I just had to walk down and dig in the dumpster until I found the bag of stuff I wanted in the car.....

So much easier to just fucking do everything myself, at least all the easy stuff, the stuff I can damn well do without help...the other stuff, I have to bite my tongue and humble my ass to ask for help...

So, now today I am struggling with not going into my downward spiral and it is fucking raining and dark outside...great  a mood lifter for sure!  FUCK

I am going to fake it today...I am going to act like everything is great with me...I am going to fake it until I make it, lie until it is not a lie anymore...

S,Tessa

telling my husband

 So, My advocate has informed me that this is the year we are going to tell my husband about my DID,  Its been four years I have been separated and going through treatment and therapy and learning about, my DID.    

My husband deserves to know, why I left, and "who alls" I am.   I am fucking scared as hell to tell him.  My advocate said that "HE" would initially talk to John....He wants to explain DID to him, and he will be able to answer any questions that John may have.  Then after he talks with John, he is going to send him the link to my "Youtube" channel, to watch the video of just me talking....I am also going to make a private video just for John that will never be added to the channel...

I told my sister about my DID, and she has abandoned me....I told my closest cousin about my DID and I have not heard from her since...she abandoned me apparently too....I have only one cousin that has accepted my DID....

John is super christian, and my advocate is not...so the phone conversation that they will have, will be interesting....as GOD cannot cure my DID, in fact, GOD is the reason I have it...if there even is a god to begin with...so,  it will be interesting to hear my advocate slamming religion....but he will do it very politically correct and John will not be able to counter it....

I am fucking dreading that conversation, but at the same time, I want John to know...I want him to understand that "HE" was not the sole reason I left...I was married to him for over 30 years...it will be interesting for me to see his reaction to my diagnosis....He had to have known I was "Off" in my head...I think he attributes my leaving to the brain injury and consequent brain tumors...but that did not cause my DID...it has always been there....I think this will be the hardest thing for John to wrap his head around.....

John is a good man, he is smart, and compassionate...so I am hoping that he will understand and accept and support me as his former wife...I hope to all that is holy that he is able to explain and comfort my kids when they find out, I am hoping that he will defend my DID to my family and HIS family....I am hoping for the best....but I am expecting the worse....

Am I ready?????

S

Boo-bear

 When my kids were smaller, I think my daughter was around 12 or 13, I got a kitten from a friend.  We already  had Rassie (Satan) but she was my daughters cat.  So I got a really long hair fury white cat with black eyes and ears...had really cool markings.

I loved this cat.  His name was Boo, and I called him boo-bear.  He rode in the car with me, laying out on my front or back dash, he loved soaking up the sun on the car dash.  When he was little, he use to stay in my purse...I took him everywhere.  He was the coolest cat I ever had.

Boo was an indoor cat, but there was a cat door on my garage door (that led from the kitchen to the garage) and the cats would come to the garage to do their pooping and peeing (their box was inside the garage).  So I knew and everyone knew to be careful pulling the car out of the garage, as the cats may be in there and try to escape through the garage door pulling up....

One early afternoon, I had some errands to run...The kids were all in school, and John was at work.  I went to the garage and opened the door...I did not see any cats, so I got in  my van and proceeded to pull out of the garage.  I did not look good enough....

I hit something, I thought it was one of the kids bikes...so I got out and behind my wheel, I had hit Boo.  Boo had been trying to go out of the garage before my van, and I ran over him.

I killed my cat.  My favorite cat of all time....The coolest cat...the cat that had the funniest antics, the cat that loved car rides, the cat that loved to be petted and loved on....I killed my cat with my van.

I was devastated,,,I just sat there and wailed and cried...the errand forgotten.  My back wheel broke his back and he died in my arms.  I held him and told him I was so sorry over and over and then he took his last breath.  I couldn't believe it..  I wrapped him up in a blanket and finally called my husband.  He said he couldn't come home, to just wrap him up and he would bury him behind the pool when he got home.....I was devastated and he couldn't come home to be with me....

I told him that he got out and a car driving down the street hit him...I lied....I could not bear to tell my husband or my kids that I was the one who ran over Boo.

Later, after the kids got home, we all watched as he dug a hole and put Boo to rest.  

My daughter was so sad...imagine what she would have thought if her and the boys knew that it was me that killed the cat.....I KILLED BOO...I DID NOT LOOK GOOD ENOUGH BEFORE I STARTED TO BACK OUT MY VAN, I WAS IN A HURRY...I WAS CARELESS AND NOW MY BELOVED CAT WAS DEAD AT MY HANDS...

I FELT LIKE A MONSTER, AN ANIMAL KILLER, NO BETTER THAN THAT MONSTER WHO KILLED MY OTHER PETS...I know it was an accident, but it was an accident that could have been avoided had I just been more careful...My carelessness culminated in the death, a brutal death of my kitty.

I remember his last breath...and when his soul left, part of mine left too....My husband did not know that it was ME....It was ME that murdered my cat....

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lilly took that memory from me....in fact, I forgot all about Boo until the other day, he came to mind, and I found a picture of him..I can remember what happened to ALL my pets, but I could not remember what happened to Boo,,,,so I asked my husband and daughter and they said "he was hit by a car"....but I knew it was more, because I would have remembered that....I did not even remember burying him, it was like he vanished...

Now I know,  the memory was finally released to me...The memory was taken because it was me that killed him, I ran over him.....now I remember....

Lilly was looking out for me...but was she really????

Now I have to deal with it, and it is as fresh as if it had happened yesterday or today...the pain in my cats eyes, the last breath, feeling his life leave his body....because of ME.

It hurts so bad, I can barely breath.....

S, T, 7

A loner

 I am not comfortable blogging anymore....All I seem to do is gripe and complain.  If I post what is bothering me, how and why...it comes back to bite me in the ass....

Remember what you heard growing up "if you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all"..

Well it seems everything out of my mouth of late, is scathing and unedifying for all those involved...

I should be able to feel free to vent or post anything I have going on inside of me, but when I do, I sound mean or bitchy or just frankly stupid.

I sound ungrateful for the kindness I get from my advocate and the few friends I have that know about my DID...

I have been spending way to long, screaming in rage at the injustice that was my childhood...time to get over it....

I am not a child anymore....I am not around my abuser anymore....I need to grow a pair and then grow the fuck up.  I need to accept my DID and learn to live with it...I need to stop fighting against my head....my head is fucked, permanently deformed and I need to be able to accept that and go on...Just like a person who was born disfigured, nothing you can do about it, but to accept your fate, get over yourself, and try and be happy...

I accept that I am mentally ill....a disorder is an illness...I don't feel it is a "defense mechanism" at all, as I don't need defending anymore...Now the initial defense mechanism has evolved into mental "illness'...I may not need defending anymore, but I do need to be handled with kit gloves, because any disturbance in my precarious mental state will plunge me into full blown, mental illness...in the picture of "PTSD", "splitting", "depression" and all the rest of the shit that follows in DID's footsteps...

I need to be able to accept my aloneness....I have always been alone, alone in my head, alone in my friends, alone all the time....because of the DID and because people are afraid of it, I will always be alone.  A loner....Yes I have my advocate, but he seems to be the only person comfortable around me....

I have my dog also.  And I have 7 other personalities all crammed inside my head, so really, I am not alone at all, if you think about it...haha, but I am alone in that all the personalities reside in my body...one body...one alone body....one lone head...one lone brain, fragmented and broken beyond repair.

Some things that are broken, can never be fixed.  I cannot be fixed...

S,7

I apologize

 I would like to apologize to any and all persons who read my last two blog entries (which have now been deleted).

They were out of line, and they made my advocate seem like an uncaring person.  Which is not true...

I was being stupid and ignorant and mean about my feelings and threw a fit here, because I thought it was a safe place...but after my advocate read it, and let it be known his feelings and how much my post hurt and offended him, I realized that sometimes the "little" things like lights and such are just that...fucking little insignificant things that don't matter.  He is fucking right.....

No matter how I try and change some of his habits, I am not doing it for his betterment, I am doing it for mine...fucking selfish self-centered me.

I have it so good here, I have thousands of blessings...these stupid ass "triggers" are just that stupid ass fuck nothing.  I need to grow up and get over it.

So, again, I apologize for myself and whoever else helped me write those last two entries, they were out of line and uncalled for.

Don't let my stupid words influence your opinion of my advocate.  He is a fucking SAINT and deserves a purple heart for dealing with me/us.

S

ww3

 So it looks like WW3 and a nuclear war is imminent.  All these women and couples having babies are so stupid....why bring a child into the world amidst the threat of all out nuclear war...what kind of world will there be for them???  I fear for my grand sons, when they are of age the military will probably draft them....as war tends to thin out the male soldiers...

Russia has decided that it wants another country...Russia attacks the nuclear station in that country...a war crime....he is attacking civilians and homes, non strategic strikes, that is a war crime....Russia does not care about people,  it only cares about power, but what happens to their power when a nuclear war erupts?  There people will be killed, their power will be destroyed, along with other countries...the US will be compromised and all those little babies being born will have no future.....

Sometimes I sit in my balcony and wonder when the world will end....not because of some stupid "Jesus" coming back bullshit...but war, and nuclear destruction...not to mention illness "(Covid-19) and all the other killing machines...will I be sitting on my balcony and then witness a huge mushroom cloud in the distance?  If I see that, then I will be dead soon from the radiation fallout and destruction....how long before those mushroom clouds start popping up all over the world???  

When will it be the beginning of the end?

I do not fucking believe in the biblical revelations of the end times, that is horse shit, but I do believe that a WW3 Nuclear War will be the start of the end times...MAN made, not god m ade....Man will kill man....

I am alternately terrified of this possible, very fucking possible, WW3, and yet strangely calm....death does not scare me, its the manner of death I am scared of...I do not want to suffer with radiation poisoning...I would rather die instantly...

Where is the christian god who is suppose to protect his people???????  fucking bullshit of the highest order, yet christians still cling to the notion that god will protect them...hmmmmmmmmmm, how has that been working out for them???

Putin is the enemy but he is not the biblical 666, anti-christ.....He is just a man, who has lost his vision and ability to reason, his mind is going bad....just like our fucking president Biden...old senile man that has no ability to hold his office...just like Putin...age does matter....so Biden and Putin will start a nuclear war....and with a nuclear war, there are no victors....WHY CANT THOSE FUCKING MORONS SEE THAT.???

I say force Biden out of office, and force Putin out of office...stage a coo and get rid of both of those fucking idiots that only care about themselves.....the world would be a better place.

S