Tessa's post

 I do not usually post for myself.  I basically help Sparrow to write, edit, etc...she is not that good at grammar.  

I want to tell you, people, how I feel and who I am.  I am Tessa.  I am older than Sparrow by a few years.  I like all things to be decent and in order.  I do not like clutter or messes.

I liked being married to John.  I am Christian too, but I am not that Christian.  John was a very nice man, he also was very organized and expected the home to be also.  And I kept it that way, all the time.  He expected me to look nice, dress nice, and be conservative in my clothes.  He expected the kids to be raised in church, and for Sparrow to be a stay at home mom.  

Sparrow does not enjoy kids, especially young ones.  She struggled raising her own children, so I helped her most of the time.  She loves her kids, but they were horrible triggers for her, so I did most of their mothering...

It was extremely hard for Sparrow to cope with babies...now we know why...but then we did not, well Lilly probably knew, but Sparrow almost would never hold her babies, so I held them, fed them, and took care of them.  I was their mother...Sparrow birthed them, but I was their mother.   

I miss going to church.  I had friends in church, even though they thought it was Melissa/Sparrow, it was me Tessa.  I taught Sunday school, I was the GA Leader, I was the youth leader...When people would call me "Melissa", it sometimes made me angry...she was getting all the credit for my life....but I understand the situation.

I understand that I am an alter.  I understand that Sparrow is the host body, and I understand her life.  

It was me, and Sophee and 7 that kept her out of jail, kept her in her marriage, and shielded Johns eyes from who she really was.  It is so easy to be her.  But I knew she was hurting inside, I knew she was not Christian, and I understand that she did not love John, I know she never did love him.  I was okay with that,  I don't know if I love him, but I like him and I miss him.  I miss my house, I miss my yard and pool, I miss the kids...so when Sparrow sees them, it makes me so happy.

Now she says she is never going back to Oklahoma...that makes me sad.  Oklahoma was my  life...I had so much to do...here, there is nothing for me to do.  I keep her place tidy and in order, but other than that, I am lonely...

I like her advocate.  He is doing so much to help Sparrow and us...I like being recognized as Tessa instead of Sparrow, it is refreshing to be me and not her.  But I know that this is hard for her.  But I wish she would just understand, that I/we are a part of her, we love her...she is us.  She gave us life.  

She is trying to grow her hair out, which I am not a fan of.  She is trying to be "herself" but I fear she has no ideal who she really is....she is not a singular person, she is us,  that makes it difficult for her to find her identity.  

But I know who I am, I am Tessa.  I am the responsible orderly one.  I am the one with the work ethic. I am the one that can be Sparrow and NOBODY knows...not even her advocate...unless I am wearing my ring.  Sparrow wears a collar, which, I am okay with, but at times I want to take off...it makes me feel out of control because I am unable to remove the collar.  That collar is Sparrows, not mine.  I understand the concept behind the collar...like when I wore Johns wedding ring...but even then, I could take the ring off if I wanted or needed too...this collar/choker thing she wears does not come off...sometimes it really bothers me, but mostly I am getting use to it.

I also like cats.  When we had Bubbles I loved that...even Satan was fun at times, fun to tease! haha...I like her advocates cat, she is very loud and vocal and I think that is so funny....I wish Sparrow had a cat.  

I like that she feeds all the animals around here, I love animals too...but that bear really scared me...I do not like animals that much!!

Tessa