Good memories, leave me stranded...

 So, almost all my childhood memories are bad...especially the first 9 yrs of my life....So every time I had a memory, it was usually really bad, and it would leave me depressed, angry, and wondering "why?"....

It takes me some time to work through a memory, to accept it, and move on....

But at times, I will have an actual good or "normal" childhood memory...but instead of being happy or relieved that there were SOME pleasant memories, I will even get more depressed or sad....why?

Why would having a regular early childhood memory, a "good" one, cause me so much pain??

I am learning to deal with the horrendous memories...I can put them in their place, I can pretty much understand "why, and how" this memory happened....I am more comfortable with bad memories than good....

when I have a good memory, it backfires...I immediately feel guilty...

"see...your childhood was not all bad"

with good memories, it gets me to thinking "were my BAD memories really that bad?" 

"did I exaggerate the negative memory?"

"am I faking it?, was my childhood really more normal than I have been saying?"

I will start to feel guilty of accusing my mother or step dad for something horrendous, when there were other times, maybe it wasn't so bad...

Then a good memory, or a happy memory, will make me cry....

why?  because of many reasons...1-why couldn't I have had more good memories?

having just a scant few...I sometimes wish there hadn't been any good ones at all...the good memories confuse me, they frustrate me, and yes...they make me sad.

I don't cry because of "happiness", I cry because of shame, guilt, "I did not ever deserve to have not even one happy moment", and then "why just one or two happy memories, in an ocean of tragic ones?"  that makes me sad....

2-I will overthink the good memory...searching for more good memories and when they don't come, THAT leaves me feeling empty and alone...isolated.  

3-I will convince myself that I do not deserve to have good childhood memories because I was such a bad girl....I didn't deserve to have "happy moments with my bio-dad" when he would just turn me back over to my monster step dad.  I felt like I was being punished every time I had to step back into that house....IT WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER FOR ME AS A CHILD TO HAVE NEVER HAD A GOOD OR POSITIVE EXPERIENCE, THAN TO HAVE HAD ONE OR TWO, ONLY TO HAVE THEM TAKEN AWAY AGAIN......

Sometimes what you don't know, does not hurt you in the way knowing something can, because if it is out of your grasps, it can't hurt you more....is it better to not have any normal healthy frame of reference to compare your live with?  If you don't know love, happiness, childhood innocents as a way of life, getting just a small piece of it does not satiate you or fill you up...it leaves you craving more and when you don't get "more", the devastation is even more REAL.

So most often times, when I am the happiest, I am also the saddest....the good memories leave me stranded in the fast lane of oncoming bad memories that will once again, take me out.

Another fuck thing is this:  If I can't find something, I start to panic, "where is it?" "did I lose it?" I will get angry with myself for not being able to find something.  Then when the item is found, instead of being relieved, I feel worse...for example:

Recently, a piece of jewelry went missing...I had just had it the night before,  but the following morning I could not find it...I started looking everywhere, dumping my purse, going through coats and clothes, looking in the exact place that it is suppose to go too whenever I am not wearing it...but it was gone....the piece of jewelry was very special to me, it was a gift and I treasured it...now it was gone...how could I have lost such a dear piece?  why am I so fucking careless?  I can't keep anything...I lose everything, what a loser, I don't deserve nice things...and on and on and on, I beat myself up emotionally...I was so distraught I told my advocate.  He came over to help me look for it, he walked into my bedroom and saw it, right there in plain sight, on my dresser, right away....and instead of being "so happy and relieved he found it", I felt worse....what the fuck, it was right there, right there in front of my eyes....I feel like such a stupid ass fuck, how stupid to get so upset over losing it, then more upset over finding it....I am beyond embarrassed, I feel so fucking retarded, I over reacted, immediately expected the worse, then when it was found within 5 minutes of him walking into my place, I am humiliated, embarrassed, fucking angry at myself, and feel so stupid, like such a pathetic baby.....so instead of being happy, I am even worse off....

like the good memories leave me stranded

finding a believed lost item, leaves me humiliated and feeling worse than actually misplacing it in the first place....

good/bad, its all the same....

S, T, sophee