So, another banner day for me yesterday....rejection of family is too fucking hard for me. I feel like I am being punished for a crime I did not commit. I have been sentenced to life in prison for just being born.
Judge: You should have never been born. I sentence you to life of misery and isolation.
That is how I feel, isolated. I sit all fucking day long in this apartment. I literally have no fucking friends to call or hang out with. I only have my advocate, and I am sure he is getting so fucking tired of my bullshit.
Here in Virginia, I am living as Sparrow. I am opening up about my mental disorder, so everyone here knows about it (all my advocates friends anyway as I have no friends) that may be the reason nobody wants anything to do with me....I am a "freak" and I "scare" off any potential friend with my fucked up head or I should say "heads"...
In Oklahoma, I lived as Melissa. No one knew of my DID, so I had friends I could call, or go visit or do things with, I had family that would come by to visit, I had places to go and activities....
Was I better off living as Melissa? At least Melissa was not a fucking freak....she was accepted as "quirky" and everyone thought it was just her nature....she had people who were there for her as Melissa.
Now living as Sparrow, I am isolated, alone and consumed with "too fucking much time on my hands"....I am trying to be my real self....I am trying to survive a death sentence...
I am so afraid to go out and find a job (I literally could not hold a job anyway), I am so afraid to put myself out there as Sparrow and volunteer with anything, because of my alters...they will ruin me...they ruined my dog kennel job, they ruin everything...I will not EVER put myself out there again only to be humiliated by them. They do not help me, they are the ones actually keeping me a prisoner....
So I will just piddle around my cell and mark the days off my calendar until I am released, and by released I mean dead.
I am a useless person....a parasite really.
S
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