5 more years

 Yesterday was my advocates 60th birthday.  Yesterday was also my late daddy's birthday, they share the same birth date.  My advocate is my life.  Literally he is all I have in this world that really loves and understands me, and wants to share his life with me....he is 60.  The only other man in this world that truly loved me, me for me, was my daddy.  

Lots of people gave me lip service "love you"...even my husband told me he loved me, but he did not love me more than he loved himself...so I was secondary only to his career and needs....he did not put me first, he did not listen to me...

But, my advocate, listens, he puts me and my happiness and healing first, which is still amazing to me that anyone would or could ever love me that much.

My daddy died at age 65.  So yesterday as I was celebrating my advocates birthday, I was reminded that at age 60, my daddy only had 5 more years.....my daddy smoked and had heart disease....cigarettes killed his heart.

My advocate smokes cigarettes, and he does have some cholesterol build up and a slight heart issue, nothing serious, but its still there, and I am petrified that I will only have 5 more years with him....I tried my fucking hardest to not let that thought invade my mind while I was with him last night at the party...I am not afraid of death, I am afraid of the separation and loneliness that will follow....I ache for my daddy...65 was too young to go....

Aside from the smoking, my advocate is in remarkable good health.  He is slim, and has a job where he is walking and on his feet all day, and I am trying to get him to start eating more healthy, and to take vitamins...its a slow process, but I feel he is listening, at least a little bit.  As far as the smoking, he has smoked since he was 9 yrs old...his lungs were clear at a recent lung scan (slight emphysema) but years of smoking his lungs should have been shot, and they are fucking healthy....He is a life long smoker and I would never ask him to quit...I like when he smokes, my daddy smoked, their smoking is a comfort to me...it is familiar, like a stuffed animal...I do not want him to quit smoking, but I do wish he would go to a "light cigarette" and start cutting down some...but the stress of his job, and the fucking stress I give him, "we" give him, he needs a fucking cigarette....I get that.

So,  for the next 5 years I will be holding my breath...I am so scared and nervous for him to reach 65...I know it is irrational and stupid to be so anxious, but I am...I am.

S