5 more years

 Yesterday was my advocates 60th birthday.  Yesterday was also my late daddy's birthday, they share the same birth date.  My advocate is my life.  Literally he is all I have in this world that really loves and understands me, and wants to share his life with me....he is 60.  The only other man in this world that truly loved me, me for me, was my daddy.  

Lots of people gave me lip service "love you"...even my husband told me he loved me, but he did not love me more than he loved himself...so I was secondary only to his career and needs....he did not put me first, he did not listen to me...

But, my advocate, listens, he puts me and my happiness and healing first, which is still amazing to me that anyone would or could ever love me that much.

My daddy died at age 65.  So yesterday as I was celebrating my advocates birthday, I was reminded that at age 60, my daddy only had 5 more years.....my daddy smoked and had heart disease....cigarettes killed his heart.

My advocate smokes cigarettes, and he does have some cholesterol build up and a slight heart issue, nothing serious, but its still there, and I am petrified that I will only have 5 more years with him....I tried my fucking hardest to not let that thought invade my mind while I was with him last night at the party...I am not afraid of death, I am afraid of the separation and loneliness that will follow....I ache for my daddy...65 was too young to go....

Aside from the smoking, my advocate is in remarkable good health.  He is slim, and has a job where he is walking and on his feet all day, and I am trying to get him to start eating more healthy, and to take vitamins...its a slow process, but I feel he is listening, at least a little bit.  As far as the smoking, he has smoked since he was 9 yrs old...his lungs were clear at a recent lung scan (slight emphysema) but years of smoking his lungs should have been shot, and they are fucking healthy....He is a life long smoker and I would never ask him to quit...I like when he smokes, my daddy smoked, their smoking is a comfort to me...it is familiar, like a stuffed animal...I do not want him to quit smoking, but I do wish he would go to a "light cigarette" and start cutting down some...but the stress of his job, and the fucking stress I give him, "we" give him, he needs a fucking cigarette....I get that.

So,  for the next 5 years I will be holding my breath...I am so scared and nervous for him to reach 65...I know it is irrational and stupid to be so anxious, but I am...I am.

S

little beak

 I watched a little bird today,

A sparrow or a finch, 

I couldn't say...

It wanted a peanut

but its beak was too small..

So peanut and bird took flight,

to the ground, using the earth

as its hammer...

A beak for a tool

the nut broke apart, pieces all around

Now little bird can eat,

safe and sound....

7

a parasite

 So, another banner day for me yesterday....rejection of family is too fucking hard for me.  I feel like I am being punished for a crime I did not commit.  I have been sentenced to life in prison for just being born.

Judge:  You should have never been born.  I sentence you to life of misery and isolation.

That is how I feel, isolated.  I sit all fucking day long in this apartment.  I literally have no fucking friends to call or hang out with.  I only have my advocate, and I am sure he is getting so fucking tired of my bullshit.

Here in Virginia, I am living as Sparrow.  I am opening up about my mental disorder, so everyone here knows about it (all my advocates friends anyway as I have no friends) that may be the reason nobody wants anything to do with me....I am a "freak" and I "scare" off any potential friend with my fucked up head or I should say "heads"...

In Oklahoma, I lived as Melissa.  No one knew of my DID, so I had friends I could call, or go visit or do things with, I had family that would come by to visit, I had places to go and activities....

Was I better off living as Melissa?  At least Melissa was not a fucking freak....she was accepted as "quirky" and everyone thought it was just her nature....she had people who were there for her as Melissa.

Now living as Sparrow, I am isolated, alone and consumed with "too fucking much time on my hands"....I am trying to be my real self....I am trying to survive a death sentence...

I am so afraid to go out and find a job (I literally could not hold a job anyway), I am so afraid to put myself out there as Sparrow and volunteer with anything, because of my alters...they will ruin me...they ruined my dog kennel job, they ruin everything...I will not EVER put myself out there again only to be humiliated by them.  They do not help me, they are the ones actually keeping me a prisoner....

So I will just piddle around my cell and mark the days off my calendar until I am released, and by released I mean dead.

I am a useless person....a parasite really.

S

exposing my DID

 So, awhile back since when I reached out to my sister about my DID, she has ignored me and refused to learn about it...she has written me off...maybe because of the guilt she feels as it was her bio father that was such a monster to me...whatever, I would never hold that against her, but so be it...if she no longer wants to be my family, ok.

About a week ago, I told my cousin about my DID.  I asked her to read up on DID and then once she has read about it, I will ask her to watch all the videos....so far, I have not heard one fucking word from  her......so it seems, she too will disown me....Even though I made it very clear to her that my bio daddy had nothing to do with my DID...regardless, I am only getting "crickets" from her.

The only family that knows is my other cousin.  And she has embraced me and accepted me, partly because she too has emotional and mental issues that she deals with, so she understands that type of stuff....takes one to know one, kinda thing....

My cousins are all Texans.  All Baptists, all hypocrits when it comes to god, jesus and life...they drink, eat THC gummy bears, swear, yet trot off to church every sunday acting like their shit don't stink.  And here I am, trying to be honest and real, and I am being shuned.....be better off if I was a hypocrite like everyone else...slap my head...

I am very upset...why can't people understand that not everybody had a Leave it to Beaver upbringing....not everyone was loved and cherished by their families...some of us were abused, neglected and cast out, ridiculed and ignored....by no fault of our own, yet family and society puts the blame on us, simply by chosing to ignore the problem or by saying "get over it"...like it i s our fucking fault that we have to live with the PTSD of our abuse....

If I do not hear from my cousin in one more week, I will know that she has rejected my disorder and has written me off....just like my sister....fuck....and if she does exactly that, it will crush me more than my sister ever thought about doing....

I am truly an island, with only one visitor, my advocate.

S, T, 7

Good memories, leave me stranded...

 So, almost all my childhood memories are bad...especially the first 9 yrs of my life....So every time I had a memory, it was usually really bad, and it would leave me depressed, angry, and wondering "why?"....

It takes me some time to work through a memory, to accept it, and move on....

But at times, I will have an actual good or "normal" childhood memory...but instead of being happy or relieved that there were SOME pleasant memories, I will even get more depressed or sad....why?

Why would having a regular early childhood memory, a "good" one, cause me so much pain??

I am learning to deal with the horrendous memories...I can put them in their place, I can pretty much understand "why, and how" this memory happened....I am more comfortable with bad memories than good....

when I have a good memory, it backfires...I immediately feel guilty...

"see...your childhood was not all bad"

with good memories, it gets me to thinking "were my BAD memories really that bad?" 

"did I exaggerate the negative memory?"

"am I faking it?, was my childhood really more normal than I have been saying?"

I will start to feel guilty of accusing my mother or step dad for something horrendous, when there were other times, maybe it wasn't so bad...

Then a good memory, or a happy memory, will make me cry....

why?  because of many reasons...1-why couldn't I have had more good memories?

having just a scant few...I sometimes wish there hadn't been any good ones at all...the good memories confuse me, they frustrate me, and yes...they make me sad.

I don't cry because of "happiness", I cry because of shame, guilt, "I did not ever deserve to have not even one happy moment", and then "why just one or two happy memories, in an ocean of tragic ones?"  that makes me sad....

2-I will overthink the good memory...searching for more good memories and when they don't come, THAT leaves me feeling empty and alone...isolated.  

3-I will convince myself that I do not deserve to have good childhood memories because I was such a bad girl....I didn't deserve to have "happy moments with my bio-dad" when he would just turn me back over to my monster step dad.  I felt like I was being punished every time I had to step back into that house....IT WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER FOR ME AS A CHILD TO HAVE NEVER HAD A GOOD OR POSITIVE EXPERIENCE, THAN TO HAVE HAD ONE OR TWO, ONLY TO HAVE THEM TAKEN AWAY AGAIN......

Sometimes what you don't know, does not hurt you in the way knowing something can, because if it is out of your grasps, it can't hurt you more....is it better to not have any normal healthy frame of reference to compare your live with?  If you don't know love, happiness, childhood innocents as a way of life, getting just a small piece of it does not satiate you or fill you up...it leaves you craving more and when you don't get "more", the devastation is even more REAL.

So most often times, when I am the happiest, I am also the saddest....the good memories leave me stranded in the fast lane of oncoming bad memories that will once again, take me out.

Another fuck thing is this:  If I can't find something, I start to panic, "where is it?" "did I lose it?" I will get angry with myself for not being able to find something.  Then when the item is found, instead of being relieved, I feel worse...for example:

Recently, a piece of jewelry went missing...I had just had it the night before,  but the following morning I could not find it...I started looking everywhere, dumping my purse, going through coats and clothes, looking in the exact place that it is suppose to go too whenever I am not wearing it...but it was gone....the piece of jewelry was very special to me, it was a gift and I treasured it...now it was gone...how could I have lost such a dear piece?  why am I so fucking careless?  I can't keep anything...I lose everything, what a loser, I don't deserve nice things...and on and on and on, I beat myself up emotionally...I was so distraught I told my advocate.  He came over to help me look for it, he walked into my bedroom and saw it, right there in plain sight, on my dresser, right away....and instead of being "so happy and relieved he found it", I felt worse....what the fuck, it was right there, right there in front of my eyes....I feel like such a stupid ass fuck, how stupid to get so upset over losing it, then more upset over finding it....I am beyond embarrassed, I feel so fucking retarded, I over reacted, immediately expected the worse, then when it was found within 5 minutes of him walking into my place, I am humiliated, embarrassed, fucking angry at myself, and feel so stupid, like such a pathetic baby.....so instead of being happy, I am even worse off....

like the good memories leave me stranded

finding a believed lost item, leaves me humiliated and feeling worse than actually misplacing it in the first place....

good/bad, its all the same....

S, T, sophee

How do I apologize?

 How do I apologize for things I have done, or I should say "they have done?  

For example, in Oklahoma we had a pool pump housing unit and I found cigarettes hidden, I accused my son and daughter of hiding them and smoking...of course they denied the cigarettes were theirs.  they got punished for lying...well, 7 has told my advocate that the cigarettes were 7s and Sophees..they smoke.  

so, now I know they were telling the truth...how do I apologize to them?  

also, while I was with my husband, I had multiple affairs...which he knows about...but it was not me!  it was Sophee and Sammy fooling around,  not me, Sparrow..how do I apologize for that???? My husband knew about one of the affairs and it caused so much heart ache for me, and him....How do I apologize to him for their behavior?  Was it my alters that caused our split??  fuck...

7 and sophee are revealing so much to my advocate...and now I am filled with guilt and sorrow.  

It is so hard to come to grip with the fact that I have DID, and the DID has affected not only me, but my family and friends...

Last night, I was on the phone to my son.  My advocate listened to me talking to him, and noted later, when Tessa was out talking to him (my son)...it seems that Tessa and I were both alternately talking with him...I remembered parts of our conversation,but other parts I had no ideal I said to him, because it was Tessa talking.  so basically, I ignored him...

How do I apologize for that?  I, or I should say, Tessa was more of their mother than me, Sparrow.  How do I apologize to them for not being their mother???

fuck....

S

 

Tessa's post

 I do not usually post for myself.  I basically help Sparrow to write, edit, etc...she is not that good at grammar.  

I want to tell you, people, how I feel and who I am.  I am Tessa.  I am older than Sparrow by a few years.  I like all things to be decent and in order.  I do not like clutter or messes.

I liked being married to John.  I am Christian too, but I am not that Christian.  John was a very nice man, he also was very organized and expected the home to be also.  And I kept it that way, all the time.  He expected me to look nice, dress nice, and be conservative in my clothes.  He expected the kids to be raised in church, and for Sparrow to be a stay at home mom.  

Sparrow does not enjoy kids, especially young ones.  She struggled raising her own children, so I helped her most of the time.  She loves her kids, but they were horrible triggers for her, so I did most of their mothering...

It was extremely hard for Sparrow to cope with babies...now we know why...but then we did not, well Lilly probably knew, but Sparrow almost would never hold her babies, so I held them, fed them, and took care of them.  I was their mother...Sparrow birthed them, but I was their mother.   

I miss going to church.  I had friends in church, even though they thought it was Melissa/Sparrow, it was me Tessa.  I taught Sunday school, I was the GA Leader, I was the youth leader...When people would call me "Melissa", it sometimes made me angry...she was getting all the credit for my life....but I understand the situation.

I understand that I am an alter.  I understand that Sparrow is the host body, and I understand her life.  

It was me, and Sophee and 7 that kept her out of jail, kept her in her marriage, and shielded Johns eyes from who she really was.  It is so easy to be her.  But I knew she was hurting inside, I knew she was not Christian, and I understand that she did not love John, I know she never did love him.  I was okay with that,  I don't know if I love him, but I like him and I miss him.  I miss my house, I miss my yard and pool, I miss the kids...so when Sparrow sees them, it makes me so happy.

Now she says she is never going back to Oklahoma...that makes me sad.  Oklahoma was my  life...I had so much to do...here, there is nothing for me to do.  I keep her place tidy and in order, but other than that, I am lonely...

I like her advocate.  He is doing so much to help Sparrow and us...I like being recognized as Tessa instead of Sparrow, it is refreshing to be me and not her.  But I know that this is hard for her.  But I wish she would just understand, that I/we are a part of her, we love her...she is us.  She gave us life.  

She is trying to grow her hair out, which I am not a fan of.  She is trying to be "herself" but I fear she has no ideal who she really is....she is not a singular person, she is us,  that makes it difficult for her to find her identity.  

But I know who I am, I am Tessa.  I am the responsible orderly one.  I am the one with the work ethic. I am the one that can be Sparrow and NOBODY knows...not even her advocate...unless I am wearing my ring.  Sparrow wears a collar, which, I am okay with, but at times I want to take off...it makes me feel out of control because I am unable to remove the collar.  That collar is Sparrows, not mine.  I understand the concept behind the collar...like when I wore Johns wedding ring...but even then, I could take the ring off if I wanted or needed too...this collar/choker thing she wears does not come off...sometimes it really bothers me, but mostly I am getting use to it.

I also like cats.  When we had Bubbles I loved that...even Satan was fun at times, fun to tease! haha...I like her advocates cat, she is very loud and vocal and I think that is so funny....I wish Sparrow had a cat.  

I like that she feeds all the animals around here, I love animals too...but that bear really scared me...I do not like animals that much!!

Tessa

endless questions

 When will the memories end?

When will I smile?

when will sleep become my friend?

How much more can I endure, before it is too much?

When will the tears start?

And how long until they stop?

How much more can I handle?

Am I that strong?

What made my life a waste?

Was being born too much?

How can I love?

When my heart is consumed with anger, hate and sadness?

I am forever lost in a sea of questions,

that offer no explanations..

There will never be an answer for me,

Only endless questions....

S, sammy, Tessa

In the corner

 So, this morning, one of my stuffies fell in the corner by my bed...for me to reach it, I literally had to put my nose in the corner and reach in to grab it....

Putting my nose in that corner, triggered a memory....

There was this little girl, she just couldn't seem to do anything right.  She was always in trouble, being scolded for something, being beat for something, being humiliated for something....her "dad" had a variety of methods for punishment, but the one she hated the most, was "having to stand with her nose pressed into a corner"....

I know that does not sound so bad, lots of kids were made to stand in a corner when they are bad, or their behavior is undesirable.  But the little girls discipline was more extreme.

Her dad would grab her by the hair on her head, drag her to the corner, push her face up against the wall, and then pull down her pants and panties.  She would have to stand there, with her pants down, for inordinate amounts of time...in a room where her sister, mother and baby brother would see her.

As she was standing there, he would throw empty beer cans at her, he would throw trash at her, he would walk by and slap her butt so hard...but if she whimpered or cried, then he would use his belt....he would stick his fingers inside her, to hurt her....

It was only when he would finally pass out from his drunkeness, that her mother would tell her to go to her room....many times her mother was not even home...so she would have to stand there until her legs and feet fell asleep, then she would curl up in a ball on the floor....she would sleep.

Mercifully, he did not put her in the corner very often, only when he was feeling "playful"...

She never saw her sister get put in a corner, and her brother was too little...it was only her, because she was so bad and naughty.....she did not know the correct way to act or behave so she was punished regularly....and she was punished severely, but never in a way that people on the outside could see, and even if they could, they would not have cared anyway because "she must have been a very naughty girl"......

S, sophee

I let her have this memory,  it started coming so I let it....now you get to deal with her depression....7

worthy

 So, I slept maybe three hours last night...I hate when I cannot sleep...I was so tired that my body was tingling, but I could not get my head to relax and go to sleep...

Why???  who is keeping me from sleeping?  This is the first night in a very long time that I have not been able to sleep...

Am I not worthy of a good nights rest?  Am I being punished?  which of my alters is punishing me??

Who did I upset?  fuck.......

So the depression will come back with a vengeance, it always does when I am sleep deprived..joy...great...

S