Disturbance in the force

 So, I told my advocate last night that I felt "a disturbance in the force"...meaning I felt something was going on inside my head...I felt "disassociated" all day.

One minute I am Sparrow, then all the sudden its 20 minutes later and I don't know where that time went...when I have short switches, it often leaves me feeling dizzy and discombobulated...I do better when an alter fronts and stays awhile, but when they front and go, it is harder for me to keep my day straight.

Before I knew I had DID, I would be in a store, then I would be checking out at the register...I have no memory of the aisles I walked...I use to contribute that to "day dreaming"...or "running on automatic"....I had no ideal that an alter had fronted and actually did the shopping....what a mind fuck.

Last night, I even caught myself smoking...goddamnit...7 had fronted, lit a cigarette then left...and all the sudden I have a half smoken cigarette in my hand...YUK seriously, 7 could at least smoke the whole thing then leave...sigh

I do not know who is "disturbed" in my head...but I can feel the physical and emotional disturbance through out my body...I think it is 7.  7 seems to front the most, why???

7 protects my heart, but I seriously think 7 is so comfortable fronting now, that they will just front whenever...no excuse,  no reason....so I think 7 is the most predominate of all my personalities....7 was the last alter to find, but I really think 7 has been around much of my life, like Tessa...I believe the two of them have basically raised me....

My advocate told me of a memory 7 told him...that memory makes me, sparrow, to be about 3 yrs old....3 yrs old and already have an alter????????? what kind of fucking monster destroys a childs mind by the age of 3???

I am beginning to wonder if 7 was my very first alter....we always assumed it was Lilly, but fuck, 7 may be the first alter....hmmmmmm

Lilly, Ally and 7 are all left handed...meaning they were the first alters, because sparrow was born left handed, but forced to be right handed...Sammy, Tessa, Sophee are all right handed, meaning they were formed when I was in school??? kindergarten or first grade...

It is so hard to know why an alter is the way they are...so different...yet they are all me....what a fucking mind fuck.

I am not sure who is upset in my system...but someone is upset, I know, because I can feel something deep down that is not right...I can't describe the feeling, it is just an itch I can't scratch....a nagging ache...I don't feel angry or mad or sad, but I feel something, maybe an alter is trying to decide to share a memory with me...I don't know...

fuck...DID is so convoluted...

S, T