dark ugly place

 So I did a horrible thing....I watched myself on my 50" smart TV.  I Youtubed our channel and watched myself....big as day....

was a freaking nightmare....

Have you ever had the dream where you are in a crowded room or mall and you are naked?  In the dream you are so afraid of being seen without your clothes on, then people would know what you really looked like....so you hide and dodge do what you can to not be seen....its a feeling, a dream feeling of stark terror....

Well that is exactly how I felt watching myself on TV.   My advocate told me that we are being viewed in other countries as well....THE FUCK???  The whole world will discover me and my DID....the whole world will laugh and ridicule and call me a faker and a liar.  I will not be believed...I have never been believed, so I have had to live a lie my entire life...and now that "lie" is open for everyone.

The "Lie" being, "I am fine, nothing is wrong with me...I am happy and whole" the whole fake beautiful life lie....I am not fine, I am not happy, and I am not whole.  I am fractured...my brain is fractured, my psyche is fractured, and I will never be a whole person, only a fragment of 8 personalities....I AM NOT OKAY.

Just because I am breathing air, have a nice place, a wonderful loving beyond amazing advocate, I am not happy, because I am so fucking broken.  And I realize that I will never be fixed, there is no fixing DID and the scores of other atrocities that come with that diagnosis.  The crippling depression, the stares, the doubt of myself, the hatred I have for certain people in my life...the hatred I have for myself.

I am trying to live my fucked up life, while one of my pedophile predator's gets to sit in a comfy Hospital for the Criminally Insane, gets three square meals a day, a soft bed, TV, meds,  healthcare....

and I get 7 personalities besides myself, to try and manage...My other pedophile predator is dead...but he lived until 2013...he got to live his fucking full life, knowing what he did to me, my mom and my life...how many others did he get to abuse and screw up for the rest of their lives????  How many other women with DID got it from him????

It sickens me that one pedophile got to live his entire life until the ripe old age of 70's, then died, without a backwards thought to me...and the other is in protected custody being taken care of, despite what he did to me and the others that he was imprisoned for hurting...I don't even take comfort in the fact that he is locked up and the judge will not let him out....HE will get out....the bad horrible people get justice for their crimes, yet the ones who were hurt by those crimes, have to suffer every fucking day...

When I watch myself on TV, in our Youtube Videos, I am reminded that the reason for these videos is because of the abuse I suffered at the hands of monsters...I am laying bare my injuries to the world...

I am permanently mentally disabled...It would have been better had they just fucking killed me....

I am telling the world, literally the whole fucking world, I am a freak, a broken sad woman, yet I am trying to live in a fucked up reality of life.  Smiling when I want to scream, acting like "everything is good" when it is not, thinking that I can be beautiful, when in fact I am ugly...very ugly...my mind is an ugly dark place, and now the world will know of my dark ugly place....

S,T,7