So I need to vent some here. Of course it is about the holiday season, kind of. In 2015 I met Jett...I met him while he was wrapped around a pole from a motorcycle wreck. In the year I knew him, we became really close, then he died almost a year to the date when I first met him.
Fast forward to 2020-21...I met a man name JR. I have written about him in previous blog entries....
The day after christmas, I received a text from my step dad (the baptist preacher). He was asking how my holidays went etc....So I texted him back about my friend, JR, and how hard that was for me...I even said "It is like Jett all over again"...and because of that, my holidays were not that great....My dad knew how hard Jett was for me, he had a front row seat in my Jett heartache...but, when my dad replied to my text, he said "glad to hear your holidays were good, love ya kid" or something to that effect....
NO: I remember how hard Jett was for you, I am sorry for your loss, he never asked me a damn thing about JR...he just flat did not care. He is a fucking Pastor...he could have put his pastor cap on and try to comfort me through this loss, but he did not. He fucking blew me off....
That text right there proved to me, that once again, christians, and especially pastors don't really give a rats ass for the suffering of others...and it proved to me, once again, that I do not matter....I am invisible. After all, my dad would not have even been ordained as a pastor if the seminary had known of my existence...so by my dad disregarding my feelings, giving me a fucking pat answer and not recognizing me as a daughter and human being, just fucking cemented my "lack of faith".
If a dad, a fucking preacher, cannot put "virtual" arms around his daughter and try to comfort her in the loss of a dear friend, then I do not have a dad. Just because I am a 59 yr old woman, does not mean that death does not affect me....I am still a little girl inside who needed her dad to tell her "its gonna be alright"...MY DAD DID NOT AND WILL NOT DO THAT.
I keep hoping, perhaps stupidly, that my family will embrace me, that they care for me, and they will accept that I need to live MY LIFE.
But living MY LIFE does not mean I don't want them in it...I do!!! They get to live their lives as they see fit, so why is it a different story for me??? WHY?????
I guess I will never know "why"...that is a question that I will have to take to my grave. I just have to learn to live with the fact that "I don't matter"....with my family.
So for New Years, I will put my "hurt" feelings away....The blinders are now off my eyes, and I see clearly for the first time. If my family does not need or want me, then I have no need or want for them. I am going to try and stop beating myself up for not being important enough, or loved enough for my family.
If me being gone, is easier for my mother, so she doesn't see me as a reminder of a horrid past, if it is easier for my dad to "take care of her", then I am gone.
Do no harm. That is my mantra, obviously not theirs....so be it.
S,7, sophee
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