an inconvenience

 So, obviously I am not the brightest or the smartest person...It takes me a long while to put pieces together and to realize a truth, or the truth.

Last night, I slept so fitfully....why?  I did not have nightmares or any memories, just something in the back of my head...nagging me.....

After talking with my cousin,  it finally hit me....

They knew!  they knew of the abuse, how could they not?  How could they have not seen the bruises?  I had bruises that were beyond regular childhood accidents...those weekends I spent with my daddy's family (before he had to bring me back to the house of horrors),  there had to be bruises...

so why did he keep taking me back to that house????  He did not want me either....or he would have tried to keep me,  he did not want to deal with a fucked up little girl... His family had their own families, families that were "perfect", not messed up, why in the fucking hell would they want to bring a messed up little girl into the fold.....it makes perfect sense.  My daddy flat did not want to fight for me...I was expendable.  His sisters (my aunts) did not want the added burden of having to raise someone else's child.   I was not wanted either by my mother or my father.  That is so fucking apparent now, how could I have been so blind??

I hated my mother so much, I guess I painted my father as a saint, but he was no saint.  He was a young man that did not want to be burdened with a young child...he had his whole life in front of him and being saddled with a baby/toddler/child was not in his cards.  He was perfectly content to let my mother and that fuck of a step father "raise" me, what he didn't know wouldn't hurt him, and he can live happily ever after...acknowledging me on birthdays and christmas only...

I have been nothing but a pain in the ass for my entire family.....MY WHOLE FUCKING FAMILY....I have never been wanted...I have been paid lip service at times, but only to placate me and to shut me up....but the fact of the matter is, I am a fucking waste of life, a waste of a daughter, mother and every other damn thing....

Is talking about DID going to help?  Is it going to make me feel better?  Is it going to help me by helping others to understand this fucking nightmare of a disorder?  NO.

It just reiterates the brokenness of a girl, who told herself her entire life that her "daddy" loved her, only to realize, that was simply not true.  I am sure he felt a sense of duty, since it was his sperm that fathered me, but he was so happy to let that fucking bastard step dad adopt me, then he would not even have to pay child support.  He could wash his hands of me, his colossal mistake...

So now I have to live with the thoughts "did he know?", I can never ask him or my aunts as they are all dead now...they went to their graves never having to explain themselves to me, how great for them....How convenient for them to ignore an inconvenience like me....

My mother did not want me, my father did not want me...I was an orphan, unloved, used, abused then thrown away......

an inconvenience.....

S, 7, sophee