act like an adult

 So another friend has died of covid.  Unvaccinated, of course...she left 6 kids, a husband and was in her 40's.

I knew that she was going to die, her mother is a very good friend to my advocate, and she calls and talks with him.  During her daughters illness, they talked frequently on the phone, then he would tell me...I also kept updated on her condition through facebook.

Her mother had covid, and lived....so she was questioning why she lived and her daughter is dying...

Parents do not bury their children, children bury their parents.

The daughter left a 3 yr old child...now she has no mother..

The mother was so distraught...I could feel her pain, I knew her questions, I related to her situation so much...it grieved my own heart...

when Gagey was dying I asked all the same questions...

why do I get to live with brain tumors and he is dying of one..

he is only 8 yrs old...it is unnatural to bury a child...

the grief knowing he won't grow up, was overwhelming...

I felt the mothers grief, deep into my heart......I connected to her on a deep maternal level so her pain, and her daughters death, hit me very hard...

So hard in fact, 7 popped their ass out and took all the memory of the daughter dying away from me..So, the daughter died, and I had no ideal.

My advocate, did not retell me about the daughter, he let me be in a blissful fucking fog, not knowing...My fear was I would find out on facebook....which is unacceptable.

The mother called him to tell him she was gone..he supposedly told me, but fucking 7 swooped down and kidnapped the memory..

So the entire evening, as my advocate was dealing with his friends daughters death, I had no clue and I could not be there for him, to comfort him....so basically I was a cold heartless ass, flitting away the night like nothing ever happened, while he had to deal with me, the mother, then the pain of her death...all alone...I HATE THAT

The next evening, a full 24 hours later, I get on facebook, and there it is:  She died, she has her fucking angel wings..blah blah blah..."  It was like a slap in the face...I was furious

and I confronted my advocate...he, of course, had all the right answers, and he told me about 7, blah blah blah....he had planned to "hide" the moms post, so I wouldn't read it..well, guess what...I read it...

I feel like a child.

I fucking hate being treated with kit gloves.

I hate being talked over....going over my head...

I hate being handled...

and that is exactly what is happening...

7 is handling me, my advocate is handling me, my fucking landlord is handling me, all my fucking alters, handle me.  Sparrow is nothing more than a juvenile emotional trainwreck that has to have handlers to manage her day....just call me Britney Spears....fuck.

When I do get to be Sparrow..I end up having an emotional fit the size of the titanic, because I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO HANDLE HARD EMOTIONS...my fucking alters take care of that...I am stunted in my emotional growth, because of them....

I am just a child...like Ally...nothing but a fucking big baby...everyone feelS like they have to tip toe around me...I FUCKING HATE THAT...I FUCKING HATE THAT I AM SO EMOTIONAL STUNTED BECAUSE OF THE ALTERS...BECAUSE OF MY CHILDHOOD, BECAUSE OF MY FUCKING BIRTH.

I am so sad about the daughter...her death was fucking hard as she could not breath, she suffered so badly....just like my Gagey towards the end, he could not even swallow his own spit because of the tumor that eventually severed his spine....the daughter suffered just as much.....and that hurts my heart more than anyone could ever know...no one should ever have to sit and watch and wait for their child to die...its a nightmare, that never ends...

But I am more angry that I was left out of the loop and found out on facebook...even though my advocate said "I, Sparrow" knew of the phone call, knew she was gone, but 7, in their infinite wisdom, decided I was too much of a fucking baby to handle her death, so they took the memory away....leaving me looking like a fucking selfish uncaring bitch...so I won't have to be sad....fuck that shit.

Then you wonder why I am so fucking depressed all the time....my alters control every fucking thing...how depressing is that???

So today, I will stuff my emotions, and act like a grown up.  Yep, the daughter is dead, yep its sad...everyone dies someday...I am fine.

S, Tessa, sophee