sleep sabotage

 By far the hardest thing for me to do, is sleep.  My entire life I have had sleep issues..I have done everything under the sun to try and get good sleep.  Every suggestion, every sleeping aide available to man...I have tried....

Now I know why sleep is such a four letter word for me...DID.  Maybe I want to sleep, but some of my alters never sleep..they are up all the time...even when I am trying to sleep, they are still there, listening....so I hear every fucking creak and sound all night, every fucking noise...

When you are listening, you are not sleeping.  I am now able to sleep better since I have been able to lock my bedroom door...but I cannot sleep with anybody...I have to sleep alone.

I left my marriage bed, about 15 yrs before I split with my husband...I could not sleep with him...

I have tried to sleep in the same bed with another man, and I can't do it...I literally cannot sleep with someone beside me...

Which makes me so upset and angry with myself, with them, the girls....

I want to be a normal woman...I want to be in a committed relationship with someone, and being in a committed relationship also means being able to sleep with them beside me.

But if I can't sleep, if the girls won't let me sleep, then they are sabotaging my relationships with others.  I think they deliberately make it damn near impossible to have a normal life, because they don't want me to have one....

A normal committed relationship with someone is just fucking damn near impossible for me.  It is a nightmare of epic proportions to get the girls on the same page in regards with me being with someone...

And why they won't let me sleep is beyond me...they are cruel.  I feel they are trying to get me so irritated and angry that I will say "fuck it" to any meaningful relationship and push everyone away...

They are selfish and want me all to themselves...ourselves, how convoluted and absurd is that??? I want me all to myself...sounds selfish and self-centered as hell.  If they are me, then I should just play along and be the miserable lonely woman that I have been my entire life.  That is what they want.

Fuck...goodbye sleep...goodbye happiness...goodbye...

S