New Year

 I am so fucking tired of my emotions being all over the place.  I literally cannot control most of how I feel.....

Imagine:  I am tired....Sophee is pissed....Ally is sad....Tessa is overwhelmed with chores...7 is annoyed....So, Sparrow is:  tired, pissed, sad, overwhelmed and annoyed.....

that is a bowl full of conflicting emotions...I may know why I am tired...no sleep...but I will have no ideal why Sophee is pissed, or ally is sad or whatever...so my tiredness is amplified with four other emotions....I am now an emotional trainwreck....I feel inside so wound up, like a rubberband getting ready to snap.  I cannot put my emotions in a place to deal with them individually...they are just all lumped into my brain, a clusterfuck of emotions...and that makes me "literally a head case"....

I seem, stubborn, irritated, mean, uncaring, unloving, I cannot express in words how and why I am feeling a certain way...I can express how Sparrow is feeling, but the rest I am oblivious as to the why, when and how come I am feeling the rest...so I come across as a fucking foolish woman that needs to have her head examined...NO NO NO N O, that is not it at all.....sometimes all I want in this whole world is to bury my head in my advocate shoulder and let him tell me everything will be alright...but at the same time, I fight against that "surrender"...I literally want to run into his arms, but there is a tight rope around my brain, holding me back....I hate that!  I hate the emotional push-pull thing...ugh

I know that because of this very reason, that is why people have walked away from me.  They don't know why I am being the way I am being...they only see me being mean, or a snob, or difficult...and its like "fuck that shit, I am out of here"....It takes a strong person to not let my "girls" affect them, and to understand better why I may be friendly and loving one day, and the next, aloof and uncaring or whatever...everyday, is a crap shoot for me...Will the girls be happy or content today, will I have a good day?  or will something trigger one or more of them and my day turns to shit...?  This is a real question and a real issue I deal with...ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

I know that I am not alone.  I know that there are others with DID that deal with the same exact feelings and issues I do...I know that some struggle more than I do...I know that some do not have an Advocate, like I do...I am blessed...not blessed to have DID, but blessed that I have an Advocate that has my back...

I wish I could say that this New Year will be better for me.  But I will just settle for more good days than bad....Because it is just not up to me, but it is up to all of us....

S,T