Jett 2

 Very early on in my blog, I wrote about a young man I found wrapped around a pole after a motorcycle accident.  I talked all about the experience, from finding him, to meeting him after he healed...but the story did not end there...I could not bring myself to finish it, to go through the grief and pain, that he had, that I had and still have...

About 4 mos after the accident...I got a call, from Jett.  He got my number from the police report of the accident.  He wanted to thank me for saving his life.  He did not know what else to say, so he gave the phone to his mother.  She profusely thanked me, and as we talked I was stunned to hear that they lived only one block from me...

Jett and I became friends.  He was an only child, my sons age...he started hanging out at my house with my kids...they all got along so well.  He came to our barbeques, went to watch Firework shows in July...he became my "surrogate son"...Jett had so many demons inside him, he was a "recovering heroin addict", he was from an extremely broken home...and now, after the accident, he was paralyzed in his left arm.  He was so depressed all the time.

One day, him and I were sitting by my pool, and he asked me "would you go to california with me?  I have never been..." I was so shocked by this, my first thought was, "is he falling in love with me?"...how fucking self-centered was that thought....he just wanted to get out of Oklahoma, he wanted to feel alive again, and he was sharing his desires to me because I was his only 'friend"  I cared enough to stop and save him, his twisted broken body, I cared enough to ignore his screams.....(MY VERY FEELINGS)

I did not go, I could not...not then...

About a week after that, he called me, and he was completely delusional...I ran to his house, and he was freaking out on the helicopters circling his house (there were none), he was on meth....a very bad dose....he was screaming and breaking things, completely lost in his madness...I was never scared for me....I held him, and told him over and over, that I would keep him safe....

eventually he fell asleep, and his mother finally came home and took him to bed....

the next day, I went by to ask him if he wanted to go with me to Louies for a drink...he said no, that he had plans.....I said ok, gave him a hug and said "see ya later"...I walked off, that was the last time I saw him alive.  I did not tell him I loved him, just see you later....

Three days later, his mother came to my house in tears...Jett was dead, he overdosed on heroin .I was stunned...I could not cry...I could not breathe...I thought I would die of heart break at that very moment.....

Before his funeral, I was thinking about our conversations...Jett flat out told me that he could not live paralyzed, he could not live alone...he was scared....he was so fucking depressed...he could not be given pain medication because of his past addiction...he was in constant fucking pain...the accident fractured his skull, broke 14 bones on his left side, of course he was in pain!!!! he kept getting denied for disability...he really thought his life was over...

Jett did not accidently overdose on heroin he committed suicide....he couldn't take life, and I only saved his life for him to die....I failed him when he asked me to take him to California I failed... I let everyone believe it was an accidental overdose...but I knew the truth, the awful sad fucking truth...but I kept his secret...

His mother asked me to speak at his funeral...she wanted me to talk about how I found him, and how we became so close...I spoke, but looking back, it was Tessa who spoke..I was too broken....

He died two weeks before his one year anniversary of the motorcycle accident...

His death, put me in the downward spiral...to the point I tried to follow in his footsteps...but I was saved...but was I only saved to die again?  Like Jett?

Why the fuck did a so-called fucking god, have me save him?  Did you want him to continue to fucking suffer for the next year???? He would have been better off dying that night...because the next year was a fucking nightmare for him....a fucking nightmare, and I did all I could to help him, but I had my own family, my own drama, and I was constantly in a state of "the fuck do I do???"

His mother was a wreck...I doubt she will be on the earth much longer either...Jett was all she had in the world...now she is just as alone as he was, how he felt...I do not talk to her anymore, I can't...remembering Jett makes my heart bleed...

why am I finally now talking about this??? I fucking don't know, but I was compelled to finish the story of Jett...do I feel better talking about it?  NO

So many more memories of times with Jett are flooding my mind...I may drown in a sea of sadness...

on my leg is a tattoo of a Jett and the trail of smoke has a heart in it...Jett is forever with me...

This is a picture of me and Jeff, just a couple of months before he died...

I love you Jett.

S, 7. sophee