Imagine this: You have a date tonight...you are excited...you shave, shower, and make yourself up, for your date, to be with the one you either love or like alot....You are looking forward to being with them, intimately.
Fast forward: You are with your love, kissing, snuggling, heavy petting, then he pushes you aside, and another woman shows up. She takes over your night of being together...she gets all the fun, all the love, and all the memories...
You get to "watch" him being with another woman...even though he loves you, he also loves other women.....when his night is over with them, he snuggles you close and tells you he loves you........
Now you feel angry, used, and abandoned. Dirty and empty inside.
THIS IS DID.
It is just not me in a relationship, its all of us, and some of my girls like "sex"...they will take over my mind and put me to sleep...then they will enjoy the sex...they get to have all the fun, the memories and the intimacy that I was craving....and I am left with nothing, but sexual frustration and amnesia. Pictures and videos really only "show" me the fun we had...like watching a movie...but the actors are not me...I am nothing but the audience in the back row....
What man wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a woman with DID....they get to be with multiple women, they get an harem, they get the experience of variety, its a win-win for them, and a lose-lose for me....I just feel like a cheap whore...
When I voice my feelings on this, this is what I get: But they are all YOU. YOU are all of them...It is you I am with....
FUCK NO ITS NOT....If they are distinct and different personalities they are not ME!!!
I do not want to share my boyfriend with anyone, not even the alters...fuck them, they are not me, and if they continue to take over my body and mind during sex, then I am done with sex.
IF I CAN'T BE 100% Sparrow during sex or intimate encounters, then I don't want it at all...and they can't have it either...why should my girls get to have all the fun, and I have to sit back and be miserable and feel rejected....
I am monogamous. I cannot do multiple partners, I can only be with one man, and I have to love that man....but evidently it is different for men, they can love one woman but yet fuck a dozen others, to them it is all about sex, not love....
That does not work for me...and even if a man is monogamous to me, Sparrow, they still get to have sex with multiple women...the fucking women in my head....
I feel cheated, its not fair...I have waited my whole entire life to be with a man I could really love and give myself 100% too, and now I can only give like 20% to him, and the girls get to give him the rest...they waited their whole lives too, I guess...
I will never be okay with sharing my man with my alters. NEVER, that is so fucking convoluted and retarded and I know that I sound like such a fucking fool...but what I am feeling is real....
You would feel the same damn way if YOUR man was with other women too....just because the other women are in my head, it is still their minds and their memories and their closeness, I am shut out...
I try so hard to stay "Sparrow" but I have so many goddamn fucking triggers, it is impossible...so I will never be a complete and whole woman, never...I will never be anything more than a whore and sexual novelty...
"who am I fucking now?" well lets see.........
If I can control any triggers I will....I can control the sexual trigger...by just eliminating sex all together...that will stop THAT PARTICULAR TRIGGER.
so be it...
S, 7
S, 7
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