Family gatherings

 How do you feel when you walk into a room or house full of your family and relatives?  I bet you feel so happy, loved and accepted.  I bet you think about your mom and dad and siblings and cousins etc, with love and affection.  I bet you enjoy laughing, hugging and reminiscing about old times...I bet you love sifting through family photos and laughing at the pictures and the memories.  I bet you gather around the table and eat as a family, sharing food and wisdom...I bet you can't wait to see your family on the holidays, especially if you only get to see them once or twice a year...the holidays bring families together....I bet you love your family..........I bet you can't wait to throw your arms around them and squeeze them tight...I bet you feel joy....

And that is how it should be.

For me, it is everything but that.  When I walk into a room or house full of my family, I feel fear, trepidation, guilt, I feel unloved, unaccepted, I am nervous and my emotions border on PTSD....

When I see my mom and dad, I feel anger.  I feel guilt and rage...I feel like a stranger, an unwanted child trying to look for a parent that threw them away...My skin crawls when ever my mother gets close to me...if she tries to hug me, my skin burns with her touch....she knew of the horrors I was living as a small child...she knew what was happening to me...she did not tell my bio father, she let him think I was in a good home...she purposely let that monster touch me, hurt me....she could have sent me away to my fathers family...but she did not...she used me against my bio dad, because she hated him...I was punished because I was his seed...She was cruel and inhuman to me....

so when I see her, I immediately hate her....I don't want to even breathe the same air as her...but, being the daughter, I have to put my anger, rage and unforgiveness away...I have to "act" like nothing ever happened and my life has been rosey...I have to perform and be fake.

so when I see my dad (my second step dad), I feel love, but I also feel anger and unforgiveness for him denying my existence to the Baptist Seminary, so he could be ordained, my moms marriage to my bio dad had to be hidden....He is a preacher, yet he lies about "his" daughter....He allowed my mother to also deny my existence to the church...I was never allowed to invite my bio dad to anything the kids did in church, because if my bio dad came, then my Preacher dads lies would be exposed...and in the church,  every fucking sin is hidden....so when I see him, I run and hug him, because he never physically hurt me, he took care of me as his step daughter, on the condition, I never tell anyone who my "real" father was...if I kept the secret, then all was fine and dandy.

when I see my step dad, I am also angry because he explicitly told me to NEVER speak to my mother again about the abuse I suffered as a child...he told me to forever shut my mouth.....so I feel manipulated and prisoned....

when I see my sister and brothers, I feel angry...they were not abused...they are normal people...their minds aren't split...they are happy, they are not full of rage, anger, and unforgiveness...they are laughing when I want to scream...my sister talks down to me, she ridicules everything I do or say....she hates me....my brothers also basically ignore me...I am the black sheep...the one that is NOT REALLY SUPPOSE TO EXIST AT ALL...but yet I do, so they have to tolerate me....

when I see my own kids, I feel love, affection and a strong maternal pull towards them...but I also feel anger at the decisions they have made (anti-covid vaccine stance), I feel anger at how reckless they treat their bodies....I want to be apart of their lives, but they do not talk to me about anything personal...all superficial talk...until the pictures are pulled out of the family albums..then everyone is like "remember this, remember that"...etc and I have to smile and act like I remember everything, and I don't...alot of the memories of my kids are my alters memories, not mine...my kids are adult strangers to me....

when I see my grandsons, my heart swells up...with love, and I also want to run and play and giggle and laugh with them...that is my Ally...she loved playing with those boys, she loved being able to be "out" with them and no one knew....

when I see my grandsons, I am so worried about their future...when I buried Gagey, my heart broke so bad...my grandson, my beautiful boy dead at 8.  When I see his mother, I want to murder her...literally...I hate her...she stole that boy from me, from his grandfather...she did not let us be a part of his life...she kept him and the other boys from us...that fat fucking cunt bitch robbed us of our grandson...I want her to die, why doesn't that fat fuck catch covid and die????????  when I am around her, I feel murderous rage and it is all I can do to not act on that feeling......

My aunts are now all dead, some from covid...I see my cousins very rarely, but when I do, we have fun...they accept me...but they have no ideal about the DID...will they still love me and want me as part of their family (Trammell family, my fathers family) or will I be a joke to them...the fear is real....

I navigate the holidays with my girls...it is my girls that get me through family ordeals, it is the girls that guard my mind, and keep me from flipping out... Believe it or not, it is my alters that keep me sane.....

When I go shopping during the holiday season, I get nauseas in stores that are playing christmas songs..I get jealous of seeing happy families with their children, laughing, playing, etc...I want to puke everytime I hear "Jesus is the reason for the season"...and all those stupid ass sappy christmas hallmark movies with all their happy endings and love and family bullshit...I want to take my TV and throw it over the balcony....I want to scream and rage and throw things and break things, because I am so fucking jealous of happy families...safe families...loving families...its not fair...why me???????????

My advocate has been trying so hard to make new happy holiday memories for me, and I love him for it, but there will never be a happy holiday for me...the holiday season has forever erased happiness.  He has even been buying gifts for my girls, so they can have good memories, so they can feel accepted and loved for who they are...why couldn't my blood family accept me?  I will tell you why, because I was never wanted, I was the "unwanted" member,,,the family member, they wanted to stay hidden...I was only tolerated for their benefit......

Will that ever change?  NO>>>>>>>>>> will they accept me and love me and want to protect me when they find out the damage they caused me? my mind?  NO....they will even hate me more, because then their lies will be revealed...

So, the holiday season is nothing but a shit fest for me....but now, I get to hide from them 1000 miles away...it makes it easier for them...I now do not exist at all...my leaving, was a blessing for them...pure and simple.

S, T, 7