dead men

 So we did a video on sleeping with DID...Sleeping is the number one worse issue I suffer with...and it is not because of me, it is because of us...

I remember when my three kids were young, getting them to go to bed and sleep at the same time was damn near impossible...they all have their own mind, wants and intentions...

Well that is DID, trying to get 8 of us to rest and sleep....not damn near impossible, it is impossible.

In a week, I may have 3 or 4 good nights sleep (I use to get maybe 1 good nights sleep a week, so I am getting some better) , but the other 3 nights might be horrible sleeping nights.  Its not so bad is if those other 3 or 4 days of the week are not be in succession, but, one night sleep, the next no sleep, then sleep, no sleep....

In my case,  my bad nights will be in a row....that means between bad nights of sleep, my body is not refreshing it self...each day of no sleep, causes my mind and body to deteriorate.  There is just no way to get each of my girls on the same page with regards to sleeping, why??? because Lilly, 7, Sophee...do not sleep, ever.  So I have to figure out how to keep Lilly, 7, and Sophee happy so I can sleep....How the fuck do I do that???

One night of virtually no sleep, will trigger another night of no sleep, then another, all my NON sleeping nights are in a row, so my body does not get to catch up on sleep...it literally runs until I am out of gas...so to speak...after 3 nights of no sleep,  I literally start thinking about taking every drug I can find that makes me sleepy and overdosing myself until I literally pass out....I get to the point where I have to drug myself and my alters to shut them the fuck up.....

The bad thing about drugging myself, I could easily accidentally overdose, because on the fourth day after three nights of no sleep, I can't wait for a single sleeping pill to work, I am so desperate to sleep NOW, that I will throw caution to the wind and literally do all I can think of to pass out.  its like the thought pattern, "the directions say take 2 pills every 4 to 6 hours for pain...well, then if I take 4 to 6 pills, they will hit my system faster" and the pain will go away quicker"....so if I take 4 to 6 pills, and if I am not asleep within 30 minutes, I start panicking again, and I may take another couple of pills from another bottle of different meds, and now I am getting into the dangerous "accidental overdose stage"...because I know that if I cannot get my body to sleep,  I will become suicidal and severely depressed, frustrated beyond belief, fucking angry at myself...then all the girls start coming out...rapid switching...which if my day was not ruined enough, rapid switching just makes it worse on me.....fuck

Last night, after filming about sleep and dreams,  I went to bed at 8 pm as I was tired from a long day, a good day.  At 11 pm, I was still awake, so I took a pill that usually helps me to drift off...did not happen...I got up and came into the kitchen around 2 am and made some toast, and then I noticed on the calendar that today is Ronnie's birthday.

Ronnie is one of the men that sex trafficked me.  (Ronnie is now in prison for pedophilia) but I believe I was his first victim... so in the back of my mind somewhere, the birthdate of this monster, triggered my girls...I was no longer safe....

I went back to bed, sometime later, I had a nightmare...in my dream, a man (indistinct) came towards me, he had vine like tentacles all over his body, and one of those vines snaked out and grabbed me around the waist and pulled me tight against him, squeezing me  and I literally snapped awake screaming "NOOOOO, STOPPPPPP"...there was no sleep after that....

The last time I noticed the clock, it was after 3:30 am, and still I did not go back to sleep...I lay there frantically trying to will my mind to sleep...maybe an hour later, I finally drifted off, only for my body to snap awake at 7:30 am...so not even 3 hours did I sleep....

I truly believe that noticing it was Ronnies birthday, triggered 7 and maybe even Lilly as my head is splitting (don't know if it is splitting because of no sleep, or Lilly) but regardless someone in my head would not let me relax, would not let me sleep....

Maybe the vine thing was symbolic of Ronnie and the hold he has over me and my girls...even though he is locked away in prison, probably for the rest of his life, he is still a perceived  threat, to me and my girls.  I never dream about my monster step father, who abused and terrorized me as a very young girl, because he is dead and is rotting in a grave....but Ronnie is alive...I do not have closure with Ronnie....it is not enough he is behind bars...he needs to be dead.  Dead men can't hurt me.  

So, today will probably suck....the morning is starting off sucky...which is never a good sign for me....I did have plans for later today and this evening, but now those plans have been shot to hell....why??? Which girl is messing with my head?  Is it 7?  Is it Ally, or Lilly or Sophee or Tessa?  I just don't know....I never know.  All I know for certain is that as this day progresses, my body will become more run down, my mind will become more run down, I will want to take a nap so bad, but the nap will never come...not at this stage of the game....

I will just have to ride it out until I literally pass out from total and complete physical exhaustion....this is my life....

S. Tessa