New Year

 I am so fucking tired of my emotions being all over the place.  I literally cannot control most of how I feel.....

Imagine:  I am tired....Sophee is pissed....Ally is sad....Tessa is overwhelmed with chores...7 is annoyed....So, Sparrow is:  tired, pissed, sad, overwhelmed and annoyed.....

that is a bowl full of conflicting emotions...I may know why I am tired...no sleep...but I will have no ideal why Sophee is pissed, or ally is sad or whatever...so my tiredness is amplified with four other emotions....I am now an emotional trainwreck....I feel inside so wound up, like a rubberband getting ready to snap.  I cannot put my emotions in a place to deal with them individually...they are just all lumped into my brain, a clusterfuck of emotions...and that makes me "literally a head case"....

I seem, stubborn, irritated, mean, uncaring, unloving, I cannot express in words how and why I am feeling a certain way...I can express how Sparrow is feeling, but the rest I am oblivious as to the why, when and how come I am feeling the rest...so I come across as a fucking foolish woman that needs to have her head examined...NO NO NO N O, that is not it at all.....sometimes all I want in this whole world is to bury my head in my advocate shoulder and let him tell me everything will be alright...but at the same time, I fight against that "surrender"...I literally want to run into his arms, but there is a tight rope around my brain, holding me back....I hate that!  I hate the emotional push-pull thing...ugh

I know that because of this very reason, that is why people have walked away from me.  They don't know why I am being the way I am being...they only see me being mean, or a snob, or difficult...and its like "fuck that shit, I am out of here"....It takes a strong person to not let my "girls" affect them, and to understand better why I may be friendly and loving one day, and the next, aloof and uncaring or whatever...everyday, is a crap shoot for me...Will the girls be happy or content today, will I have a good day?  or will something trigger one or more of them and my day turns to shit...?  This is a real question and a real issue I deal with...ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

I know that I am not alone.  I know that there are others with DID that deal with the same exact feelings and issues I do...I know that some struggle more than I do...I know that some do not have an Advocate, like I do...I am blessed...not blessed to have DID, but blessed that I have an Advocate that has my back...

I wish I could say that this New Year will be better for me.  But I will just settle for more good days than bad....Because it is just not up to me, but it is up to all of us....

S,T

UGH

 Some things will never change.  I have changed so much, my hair, my name, where I live etc...and I am so happy about it...I am free..flying like the little Sparrow I am...

But what hasn't changed is my inability to sleep in the same bed with someone or have someone sleep in the same room as me....

I am now starting to realize that, its not me, Sparrow, who is so hyper vigilant  when I am sleeping...it is the girls...don't know which one, but I think it is one of them that will not let me share a bed or room...I have been sleeping all alone for almost damn near 20 years.

That is how long I have been alone.  I am destined to sleep alone.  And that is going to have to be okay for me.   

However, I want so bad to be able to snuggle up against someone and sleep with them beside me....it will never happen.  And that falls on me, and my girls.

I just have to swallow the "sleep alone" pill, accept it, and move on.  

I am in a safe place now, my girls know that they are safe.  They like it here, they get to be themselves without fear of reprisal.  Everything is so good, except the sleep thing.  They just flat will not let me sleep with anyone.  WHY?  I wish I knew.

When someone is in the room with me, I am hyper sensitive to sounds, their breathing, their snoring, if they talk in their sleep, when they turn over...every little sound is magnified 1000 percent.   It makes me crazy!  seriously...bionic hearing is a curse.

So, I will never share my bed...or my bedroom...I will lock myself in my room, get my stuffies and hope for the best...the best being at least 6-7 hours of good sleep.  Evidently my girls do not feel that sleep is important.   UGH

S

Happy anti-christmas

 Seems like everyone I know who has died, died at the the start of the winter holidays...My daddy was buried on halloween day, 2007...gagey died just before halloween...Jett died right after halloween...JR died three days before christmas...

This is why I fucking hate the holidays...it brings back very painful memories, memories of people I love dying...memories of shit christmas days when everyone got presents but me,  being beat with the christmas tree because my "dad" was drunk...

The worst thing about the holidays growing up was the weather...it was too cold to go outside so I was trapped in a house with two monsters...my mom and her husband...I was routinely placed in a small dark room, maybe a closet, because they didn't want to see my face....my toys were taken away and broken or given to my siblings...

winter weather was a jail sentence for me....solitary confinement with a monster....

My childhood died during the holidays....because that was when I learned that Jesus was a fucking joke, that there was no god, no jesus, no angels....all these manger scenes, church services, tv shows...all garbage...no truth to them at all....a bunch of fucking bullshit to make money and make people feel guilty because they can't be like "jesus"...omg, I hate christianity....it is the biggest hoax every placed on man, and man is still falling for it......how pathetic that a person feels the need to have a crutch in the name of god...why can't they just be regular people....will god keep someone from hurting you, killing you, beating you...??? NO FUCKING WAY...

So I wish everybody a Happy Anti-Christmas...

S, 7

JR

 So, me and a couple of other people have been trying to help a guy name JR.  Jr is a disabled vet.  We have been friends with him for almost a year, but had never been to his apartment.  Awhile back he asked my advocate to look at his truck, which led to taking out some of his trash...but when my Advocate went into his place, he was shocked...it was beyond filthy...imagine the worse case scenario and there you go...in fact, his house was so bad that I COULD NOT STAND TO BE IN THERE.  So, my advocate, his friend, and me set out to get his place back in order...I did a bazillion loads of laundry, and threw out trash...my advocate cleaned his bathroom, and his friend tackled the kitchen....

We finally got the place back in order, so Jr could walk around his own place...Jr was so happy his home was looking like a home again.  He had started dialysis and was feeling much better...he asked me to take him grocery shopping, and of course I did.  While we were shopping, he told me I was his best friend....which touched my heart, because I do not have many friends...then a couple of minutes later, he chewed me out for throwing away his jar of mayonnaise (which he had left out for more than 3 days..) that was Jr.  He was 51 years old and almost blind, about 100 pounds, diabetic, and could barely walk but he would still chew out the best of us!!  haha  

Two days after I took him shopping, my advocate found him dead in his apartment.  He did a wellness check and found him slumped over in the bathroom...he said he looked peaceful, almost like he was resting....

We knew he did not have a lot longer to live, but we were trying to make his life easier, and he was happy, in the end...

His death, hurts me to the core....

I met Jr about a year ago, and now he is dead.  I got to know him, and help him, we developed a great friendship.  He knew of my DID, watched our videos and got such a great kick out of me saying "Hi Jr" at the end of the videos.

I met Jett, became friends with him, and he was dead in a year.

I met Jr, became friends with him, and he was dead in a year....

My god is this a pattern with me???  Why does this keep happening?  Jr died 3 days before Christmas....

Another fuck memory to attach to the already long list of fuck memories that are around christmas.   I hate the holiday season...

How can I be happy, when we are about to bury our friend...we gave him hope, and he died....alone.....

Good bye Jr...fly safe...I will see you in the universe....

So, this morning, the day after his death, I sent him this, to his cellphone...somewhere in the universe I feel he has read it..

Jett 2

 Very early on in my blog, I wrote about a young man I found wrapped around a pole after a motorcycle accident.  I talked all about the experience, from finding him, to meeting him after he healed...but the story did not end there...I could not bring myself to finish it, to go through the grief and pain, that he had, that I had and still have...

About 4 mos after the accident...I got a call, from Jett.  He got my number from the police report of the accident.  He wanted to thank me for saving his life.  He did not know what else to say, so he gave the phone to his mother.  She profusely thanked me, and as we talked I was stunned to hear that they lived only one block from me...

Jett and I became friends.  He was an only child, my sons age...he started hanging out at my house with my kids...they all got along so well.  He came to our barbeques, went to watch Firework shows in July...he became my "surrogate son"...Jett had so many demons inside him, he was a "recovering heroin addict", he was from an extremely broken home...and now, after the accident, he was paralyzed in his left arm.  He was so depressed all the time.

One day, him and I were sitting by my pool, and he asked me "would you go to california with me?  I have never been..." I was so shocked by this, my first thought was, "is he falling in love with me?"...how fucking self-centered was that thought....he just wanted to get out of Oklahoma, he wanted to feel alive again, and he was sharing his desires to me because I was his only 'friend"  I cared enough to stop and save him, his twisted broken body, I cared enough to ignore his screams.....(MY VERY FEELINGS)

I did not go, I could not...not then...

About a week after that, he called me, and he was completely delusional...I ran to his house, and he was freaking out on the helicopters circling his house (there were none), he was on meth....a very bad dose....he was screaming and breaking things, completely lost in his madness...I was never scared for me....I held him, and told him over and over, that I would keep him safe....

eventually he fell asleep, and his mother finally came home and took him to bed....

the next day, I went by to ask him if he wanted to go with me to Louies for a drink...he said no, that he had plans.....I said ok, gave him a hug and said "see ya later"...I walked off, that was the last time I saw him alive.  I did not tell him I loved him, just see you later....

Three days later, his mother came to my house in tears...Jett was dead, he overdosed on heroin .I was stunned...I could not cry...I could not breathe...I thought I would die of heart break at that very moment.....

Before his funeral, I was thinking about our conversations...Jett flat out told me that he could not live paralyzed, he could not live alone...he was scared....he was so fucking depressed...he could not be given pain medication because of his past addiction...he was in constant fucking pain...the accident fractured his skull, broke 14 bones on his left side, of course he was in pain!!!! he kept getting denied for disability...he really thought his life was over...

Jett did not accidently overdose on heroin he committed suicide....he couldn't take life, and I only saved his life for him to die....I failed him when he asked me to take him to California I failed... I let everyone believe it was an accidental overdose...but I knew the truth, the awful sad fucking truth...but I kept his secret...

His mother asked me to speak at his funeral...she wanted me to talk about how I found him, and how we became so close...I spoke, but looking back, it was Tessa who spoke..I was too broken....

He died two weeks before his one year anniversary of the motorcycle accident...

His death, put me in the downward spiral...to the point I tried to follow in his footsteps...but I was saved...but was I only saved to die again?  Like Jett?

Why the fuck did a so-called fucking god, have me save him?  Did you want him to continue to fucking suffer for the next year???? He would have been better off dying that night...because the next year was a fucking nightmare for him....a fucking nightmare, and I did all I could to help him, but I had my own family, my own drama, and I was constantly in a state of "the fuck do I do???"

His mother was a wreck...I doubt she will be on the earth much longer either...Jett was all she had in the world...now she is just as alone as he was, how he felt...I do not talk to her anymore, I can't...remembering Jett makes my heart bleed...

why am I finally now talking about this??? I fucking don't know, but I was compelled to finish the story of Jett...do I feel better talking about it?  NO

So many more memories of times with Jett are flooding my mind...I may drown in a sea of sadness...

on my leg is a tattoo of a Jett and the trail of smoke has a heart in it...Jett is forever with me...

This is a picture of me and Jeff, just a couple of months before he died...

I love you Jett.

S, 7. sophee

another day

 My needs go unheeded

My desires go unnoticed

I speak to the wind

and my words blow away...

I plead what I need

but it falls on deaf ears..

I am done asking

I am done explaining'

I am done repeating myself

My words and thoughts

are being put away,

Locked in a box

and tossed on a shelf

forgotten.....

I start anew,

I have nothing to say

my opinions are mine

and they will stay

stuffed in my heart

to bleed out

on another day....

S,7

Family gatherings

 How do you feel when you walk into a room or house full of your family and relatives?  I bet you feel so happy, loved and accepted.  I bet you think about your mom and dad and siblings and cousins etc, with love and affection.  I bet you enjoy laughing, hugging and reminiscing about old times...I bet you love sifting through family photos and laughing at the pictures and the memories.  I bet you gather around the table and eat as a family, sharing food and wisdom...I bet you can't wait to see your family on the holidays, especially if you only get to see them once or twice a year...the holidays bring families together....I bet you love your family..........I bet you can't wait to throw your arms around them and squeeze them tight...I bet you feel joy....

And that is how it should be.

For me, it is everything but that.  When I walk into a room or house full of my family, I feel fear, trepidation, guilt, I feel unloved, unaccepted, I am nervous and my emotions border on PTSD....

When I see my mom and dad, I feel anger.  I feel guilt and rage...I feel like a stranger, an unwanted child trying to look for a parent that threw them away...My skin crawls when ever my mother gets close to me...if she tries to hug me, my skin burns with her touch....she knew of the horrors I was living as a small child...she knew what was happening to me...she did not tell my bio father, she let him think I was in a good home...she purposely let that monster touch me, hurt me....she could have sent me away to my fathers family...but she did not...she used me against my bio dad, because she hated him...I was punished because I was his seed...She was cruel and inhuman to me....

so when I see her, I immediately hate her....I don't want to even breathe the same air as her...but, being the daughter, I have to put my anger, rage and unforgiveness away...I have to "act" like nothing ever happened and my life has been rosey...I have to perform and be fake.

so when I see my dad (my second step dad), I feel love, but I also feel anger and unforgiveness for him denying my existence to the Baptist Seminary, so he could be ordained, my moms marriage to my bio dad had to be hidden....He is a preacher, yet he lies about "his" daughter....He allowed my mother to also deny my existence to the church...I was never allowed to invite my bio dad to anything the kids did in church, because if my bio dad came, then my Preacher dads lies would be exposed...and in the church,  every fucking sin is hidden....so when I see him, I run and hug him, because he never physically hurt me, he took care of me as his step daughter, on the condition, I never tell anyone who my "real" father was...if I kept the secret, then all was fine and dandy.

when I see my step dad, I am also angry because he explicitly told me to NEVER speak to my mother again about the abuse I suffered as a child...he told me to forever shut my mouth.....so I feel manipulated and prisoned....

when I see my sister and brothers, I feel angry...they were not abused...they are normal people...their minds aren't split...they are happy, they are not full of rage, anger, and unforgiveness...they are laughing when I want to scream...my sister talks down to me, she ridicules everything I do or say....she hates me....my brothers also basically ignore me...I am the black sheep...the one that is NOT REALLY SUPPOSE TO EXIST AT ALL...but yet I do, so they have to tolerate me....

when I see my own kids, I feel love, affection and a strong maternal pull towards them...but I also feel anger at the decisions they have made (anti-covid vaccine stance), I feel anger at how reckless they treat their bodies....I want to be apart of their lives, but they do not talk to me about anything personal...all superficial talk...until the pictures are pulled out of the family albums..then everyone is like "remember this, remember that"...etc and I have to smile and act like I remember everything, and I don't...alot of the memories of my kids are my alters memories, not mine...my kids are adult strangers to me....

when I see my grandsons, my heart swells up...with love, and I also want to run and play and giggle and laugh with them...that is my Ally...she loved playing with those boys, she loved being able to be "out" with them and no one knew....

when I see my grandsons, I am so worried about their future...when I buried Gagey, my heart broke so bad...my grandson, my beautiful boy dead at 8.  When I see his mother, I want to murder her...literally...I hate her...she stole that boy from me, from his grandfather...she did not let us be a part of his life...she kept him and the other boys from us...that fat fucking cunt bitch robbed us of our grandson...I want her to die, why doesn't that fat fuck catch covid and die????????  when I am around her, I feel murderous rage and it is all I can do to not act on that feeling......

My aunts are now all dead, some from covid...I see my cousins very rarely, but when I do, we have fun...they accept me...but they have no ideal about the DID...will they still love me and want me as part of their family (Trammell family, my fathers family) or will I be a joke to them...the fear is real....

I navigate the holidays with my girls...it is my girls that get me through family ordeals, it is the girls that guard my mind, and keep me from flipping out... Believe it or not, it is my alters that keep me sane.....

When I go shopping during the holiday season, I get nauseas in stores that are playing christmas songs..I get jealous of seeing happy families with their children, laughing, playing, etc...I want to puke everytime I hear "Jesus is the reason for the season"...and all those stupid ass sappy christmas hallmark movies with all their happy endings and love and family bullshit...I want to take my TV and throw it over the balcony....I want to scream and rage and throw things and break things, because I am so fucking jealous of happy families...safe families...loving families...its not fair...why me???????????

My advocate has been trying so hard to make new happy holiday memories for me, and I love him for it, but there will never be a happy holiday for me...the holiday season has forever erased happiness.  He has even been buying gifts for my girls, so they can have good memories, so they can feel accepted and loved for who they are...why couldn't my blood family accept me?  I will tell you why, because I was never wanted, I was the "unwanted" member,,,the family member, they wanted to stay hidden...I was only tolerated for their benefit......

Will that ever change?  NO>>>>>>>>>> will they accept me and love me and want to protect me when they find out the damage they caused me? my mind?  NO....they will even hate me more, because then their lies will be revealed...

So, the holiday season is nothing but a shit fest for me....but now, I get to hide from them 1000 miles away...it makes it easier for them...I now do not exist at all...my leaving, was a blessing for them...pure and simple.

S, T, 7 

 

In return

 I need you,

to give me dreams.

I need you,

to hold me,

to keep me safe.

I need you,

to love me,

no matter what.

I need you

to trust....

In return,

I will never leave you,

I will love you,

I will take care of you,

I will die, for you.

S

But still....

 I close my eyes,

but I still find,

the scars that were left behind...

I open my heart

but I still find

a bleeding open wound.

 I shut the door

turn off the lights,

but I still find,

fear in a dream...

afraid to sleep

afraid to stay awake...

silent screams on every take,

but no where to run,

no answers, no solutions, a maze,

but I still find,

the path that leads to pain.

tears well up,

a heart that aches,

but still I find,

no wetness upon my face...

a wandering dog,

looking for a home,

but still I find,

I am hungry and alone.

Birds chirp and fly,

plants bloom and grow,

yet I stay caged,

but still I find,

that I cannot,  be happy,

always scared,  never able to rest,

what is calm?

I have failed the test...

but still I find,

I cannot control my mind...

but still......

S, sammy

dead men

 So we did a video on sleeping with DID...Sleeping is the number one worse issue I suffer with...and it is not because of me, it is because of us...

I remember when my three kids were young, getting them to go to bed and sleep at the same time was damn near impossible...they all have their own mind, wants and intentions...

Well that is DID, trying to get 8 of us to rest and sleep....not damn near impossible, it is impossible.

In a week, I may have 3 or 4 good nights sleep (I use to get maybe 1 good nights sleep a week, so I am getting some better) , but the other 3 nights might be horrible sleeping nights.  Its not so bad is if those other 3 or 4 days of the week are not be in succession, but, one night sleep, the next no sleep, then sleep, no sleep....

In my case,  my bad nights will be in a row....that means between bad nights of sleep, my body is not refreshing it self...each day of no sleep, causes my mind and body to deteriorate.  There is just no way to get each of my girls on the same page with regards to sleeping, why??? because Lilly, 7, Sophee...do not sleep, ever.  So I have to figure out how to keep Lilly, 7, and Sophee happy so I can sleep....How the fuck do I do that???

One night of virtually no sleep, will trigger another night of no sleep, then another, all my NON sleeping nights are in a row, so my body does not get to catch up on sleep...it literally runs until I am out of gas...so to speak...after 3 nights of no sleep,  I literally start thinking about taking every drug I can find that makes me sleepy and overdosing myself until I literally pass out....I get to the point where I have to drug myself and my alters to shut them the fuck up.....

The bad thing about drugging myself, I could easily accidentally overdose, because on the fourth day after three nights of no sleep, I can't wait for a single sleeping pill to work, I am so desperate to sleep NOW, that I will throw caution to the wind and literally do all I can think of to pass out.  its like the thought pattern, "the directions say take 2 pills every 4 to 6 hours for pain...well, then if I take 4 to 6 pills, they will hit my system faster" and the pain will go away quicker"....so if I take 4 to 6 pills, and if I am not asleep within 30 minutes, I start panicking again, and I may take another couple of pills from another bottle of different meds, and now I am getting into the dangerous "accidental overdose stage"...because I know that if I cannot get my body to sleep,  I will become suicidal and severely depressed, frustrated beyond belief, fucking angry at myself...then all the girls start coming out...rapid switching...which if my day was not ruined enough, rapid switching just makes it worse on me.....fuck

Last night, after filming about sleep and dreams,  I went to bed at 8 pm as I was tired from a long day, a good day.  At 11 pm, I was still awake, so I took a pill that usually helps me to drift off...did not happen...I got up and came into the kitchen around 2 am and made some toast, and then I noticed on the calendar that today is Ronnie's birthday.

Ronnie is one of the men that sex trafficked me.  (Ronnie is now in prison for pedophilia) but I believe I was his first victim... so in the back of my mind somewhere, the birthdate of this monster, triggered my girls...I was no longer safe....

I went back to bed, sometime later, I had a nightmare...in my dream, a man (indistinct) came towards me, he had vine like tentacles all over his body, and one of those vines snaked out and grabbed me around the waist and pulled me tight against him, squeezing me  and I literally snapped awake screaming "NOOOOO, STOPPPPPP"...there was no sleep after that....

The last time I noticed the clock, it was after 3:30 am, and still I did not go back to sleep...I lay there frantically trying to will my mind to sleep...maybe an hour later, I finally drifted off, only for my body to snap awake at 7:30 am...so not even 3 hours did I sleep....

I truly believe that noticing it was Ronnies birthday, triggered 7 and maybe even Lilly as my head is splitting (don't know if it is splitting because of no sleep, or Lilly) but regardless someone in my head would not let me relax, would not let me sleep....

Maybe the vine thing was symbolic of Ronnie and the hold he has over me and my girls...even though he is locked away in prison, probably for the rest of his life, he is still a perceived  threat, to me and my girls.  I never dream about my monster step father, who abused and terrorized me as a very young girl, because he is dead and is rotting in a grave....but Ronnie is alive...I do not have closure with Ronnie....it is not enough he is behind bars...he needs to be dead.  Dead men can't hurt me.  

So, today will probably suck....the morning is starting off sucky...which is never a good sign for me....I did have plans for later today and this evening, but now those plans have been shot to hell....why??? Which girl is messing with my head?  Is it 7?  Is it Ally, or Lilly or Sophee or Tessa?  I just don't know....I never know.  All I know for certain is that as this day progresses, my body will become more run down, my mind will become more run down, I will want to take a nap so bad, but the nap will never come...not at this stage of the game....

I will just have to ride it out until I literally pass out from total and complete physical exhaustion....this is my life....

S. Tessa

sleep sabotage

 By far the hardest thing for me to do, is sleep.  My entire life I have had sleep issues..I have done everything under the sun to try and get good sleep.  Every suggestion, every sleeping aide available to man...I have tried....

Now I know why sleep is such a four letter word for me...DID.  Maybe I want to sleep, but some of my alters never sleep..they are up all the time...even when I am trying to sleep, they are still there, listening....so I hear every fucking creak and sound all night, every fucking noise...

When you are listening, you are not sleeping.  I am now able to sleep better since I have been able to lock my bedroom door...but I cannot sleep with anybody...I have to sleep alone.

I left my marriage bed, about 15 yrs before I split with my husband...I could not sleep with him...

I have tried to sleep in the same bed with another man, and I can't do it...I literally cannot sleep with someone beside me...

Which makes me so upset and angry with myself, with them, the girls....

I want to be a normal woman...I want to be in a committed relationship with someone, and being in a committed relationship also means being able to sleep with them beside me.

But if I can't sleep, if the girls won't let me sleep, then they are sabotaging my relationships with others.  I think they deliberately make it damn near impossible to have a normal life, because they don't want me to have one....

A normal committed relationship with someone is just fucking damn near impossible for me.  It is a nightmare of epic proportions to get the girls on the same page in regards with me being with someone...

And why they won't let me sleep is beyond me...they are cruel.  I feel they are trying to get me so irritated and angry that I will say "fuck it" to any meaningful relationship and push everyone away...

They are selfish and want me all to themselves...ourselves, how convoluted and absurd is that??? I want me all to myself...sounds selfish and self-centered as hell.  If they are me, then I should just play along and be the miserable lonely woman that I have been my entire life.  That is what they want.

Fuck...goodbye sleep...goodbye happiness...goodbye...

S

Anna Lynne McChord

 So an actress, Anna Lynne McChord, and I use the term actress loosely, she is actually a has-been, D-actress...has released Youtube Videos that she had DID.  HAD, and she has been cured of it......

Cured of DID??? she also says "meditation" cured her head injuries as well....her TBI was cured by "meditation"....the fuck?????????

She came forward to reveal her DID and treatment....hmmmmmmmm, now she is cured and going to start a podcast called "unzipped"....whatever...she is just looking for attention, and a way to make her name relevant again in hollywood...

DID is not curable.  There can be some integration of alters, but they are still there, they do not go away, and for her to proclaim she has been "cured" is a slap in the face to all the DID patients in the entire world.

I read through some of her comments on a Youtube page, and I saw dozens of "you are so beautiful"...what does beauty have to do with DID?  Is she going to use her "beauty" to get more attention for her announcements?  That is what hollywood types do, they use their looks to get attention....

What she is doing is a typical hollywood maneuver.  Can you say Jesse Smollett? the black B-actor that nobody knew hardly, paid two white guys to attack and rob him, so he could plea "racism" that he was involved in a hate crime against him....and it worked to a point, he was all over the news, on TV talking about this "Horrible experience" and he was relevant again in Hollywood, until the truth came out...Jesse is nothing but an out of work actor, a liar and manipulator .PERIOD

This is exactly what Anna is doing...she is lying and manipulating the public for attention.  I don't doubt that she has mental issues, she could have had OSDD (which is curable) or PTSD, bi-polar, I believe that she has Borderline Personality Disorder...which is treatable and can be managed...I also believed that she ran across information about DID and decided to run with that...she can act out her "splits" as she calls them...she is articulate, charming, happy, beautiful and her subject of DID is a hollywood staple.  DID also generates interest as it is connected to many Hollywood movies...

So for now, Anna is having her new 15 minutes of fame...before she is knocked off her pedestal as a liar and fraud, just like Jesse Smollett...

I can't wait for that day, I will dance in the fucking street.

Fuck you Anna Lynne, you fucking liar and whore.  You are whoring yourself to the public, you fucking bitch,  you could have went with "I was raped.(that would have got you more attention).." but no, you had to say you have/had DID...so you are nothing but a fucking two faced hollywood has been...I hope you are exposed as the fucking fake you are, DID is not curable...we are not going away...doctors have tried, they have given her so many different drugs and diagnosis's, and all they have fucking done was drug us...did we go away...fuck no...we will never go away...for her to say she no longer has DID makes me want to punch her face and mess up her hollywood smile...what a fucking cunt she is...

S, sophee

I watch...

 I sit and watch:

I watch Tessa do my chores.

I watch Tessa run my errands.

I watch Tessa have sex.

I watch Ally play with her dolls.

I watch Ally color in her books.

I watch Ally draw pictures.

I watch Ally be silly and laugh.

I watch Sophee, hurt me.

I watch Sophee, hit me, burn me, cut me...

I watch Sophee enjoy sex.

I watch Sophee enjoy pain, my pain.

I watch Sammy, not speak.

I watch her dance.

I watch her other world of music.

I watch Kaos, bite.

I watch Kaos, bang her head..

I watch 7, close my eyes.

I watch 7, steal my heart.

I watch 7 reject all sexual orientation.

I watch Lilly, hovering.

I watch as she sends lightening bolts through my brain.

I watch as everyone of them,

steal my life, my time, my memories, my joy...

All Sparrow does is "watch"...

Sparrow is not a participant in her own life,

she is an unwilling pawn, by seven others.

In a 24 hour day, Sparrow is only maybe 2 hours.

I watch as my life slowly drifts away....

Sparrow

I am the other woman....

 Imagine this:  You have a date tonight...you are excited...you shave, shower, and make yourself up, for your date, to be with the one you either love or like alot....You are looking forward to being with them, intimately.

 Fast forward:  You are with your love, kissing, snuggling, heavy petting, then he pushes you aside, and another woman shows up.  She takes over your night of being together...she gets all the fun, all the love, and all the memories...

You get to "watch" him being with another woman...even though he loves you, he also loves other women.....when his night is over with them, he snuggles you close and tells you he loves you........

Now you feel angry, used, and abandoned.  Dirty and empty inside.

THIS IS DID.

It is just not me in a relationship, its all of us, and some of my girls like "sex"...they will take over my mind and put me to sleep...then they will enjoy the sex...they get to have all the fun, the memories and the intimacy that I was craving....and I am left with nothing, but sexual frustration and amnesia.   Pictures and videos really only "show" me the fun we had...like watching a movie...but the actors are not me...I am nothing but the audience in the back row....

What man wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a woman with DID....they get to be with multiple women, they get an harem, they get the experience of variety, its a win-win for them, and a lose-lose for me....I just feel like a cheap whore...

When I voice my feelings on this, this is what I get:  But they are all YOU.  YOU are all of them...It is you I am with....

FUCK NO ITS NOT....If they are distinct and different personalities they are not ME!!!

I do not want to share my boyfriend with anyone, not even the alters...fuck them, they are not me, and if they continue to take over my body and mind during sex, then I am done with sex.

IF I CAN'T BE 100% Sparrow during sex or intimate encounters, then I don't want it at all...and they can't have it either...why should my girls get to have all the fun, and I have to sit back and be miserable and feel rejected....

I am monogamous.  I cannot do multiple partners, I can only be with one man, and I have to love that man....but evidently it is different for men, they can love one woman but yet fuck a dozen others, to them it is all about sex, not love....

That does not work for me...and even if a man is monogamous to me, Sparrow, they still get to have sex with multiple women...the fucking women in my head....

I feel cheated,  its not fair...I have waited my whole entire life to be with a man I could really love and give myself 100% too, and now I can only give like 20% to him, and the girls get to give him the rest...they waited their whole lives too, I guess...

I will never be okay with sharing my man with my alters.  NEVER, that is so fucking convoluted and retarded and I know that I sound like such a fucking fool...but what I am feeling is real....

You would feel the same damn way if YOUR man was with other women too....just because the other women are in my head, it is still their minds and their memories and their closeness, I am shut out...

I try so hard to stay "Sparrow" but I have so many goddamn fucking triggers, it is impossible...so I will never be a complete and whole woman, never...I will never be anything more than a whore and sexual novelty...

"who am I fucking now?"  well lets see.........

If I can control any triggers I will....I can control the sexual trigger...by just eliminating sex all together...that will stop THAT PARTICULAR TRIGGER.  

so be it...

S, 7

S, 7