Monday, November 15, 2021

soft abuse

 I wish I could control my emotions better....but, my emotions are not just controlled by me, my girls have their own emotions and all our emotions can and do collide...making me, Sparrow, an emotional  nightmare....

I get all these thoughts in my head, I use to think it was because I am an overthinker, but when I am depressed, I don't think...I don't want to think...I want to close my door and windows, turn off the lights and go to bed throwing the covers over my head...I want to sleep...sleep forever...

But in the midst of that, I get words in my head "stupid" "you are acting like a big baby" "get up stupid" "big deal if you are lonely, we are alone" "just die already" "nobody will ever understand or like you" "monster monster monster"

I feel like my alters are now my abusers...they persecute me, they belittle me, they harm me,  they control my thoughts and actions, they put me to sleep....etc

Why would my alters abuse me?  Aren't they there to protect me??  Is their form of abuse, helpful to me, Sparrow?  

I feel it is "soft abuse"....a nagging persistent ache in my head...a ticking that never stops...amnesia...crying...headaches... 

I am being beat up by alters wearing fur and pillow gloves...yet hitting me over and over and over and over and over and over...it never stops....


S

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