Well the dinner party was nice...the food was AWESOME and evidently my spinach enchiladas were a hit, because they were gone fast.. The home was like a home out of "Better Homes and Gardens" absolutely stunning, an old home with huge front porch, high ceilings and wood floors.. the bathroom had a big claw tub...I wanted to run me a bubble bath and forget about the party downstairs! haha
I was introduced to various people, they were nice said their "hellos and nice to meet ya" then they were off and I never talked with them again...There were so many people there, even Kevin did not know them all...
we stayed for about 2 hours, but when everyone started drinking and getting loud and rowdy, I wanted to leave...so far, no one had asked me about the DID, but I know when people get alcohol in them, their lips and tongues get loser and they feel more bold...I did not want to have to explain myself to a drunk person...I asked Kevin if we could leave and he said "yes"..so we went and thanked the host and left.
As I sat and watched the people talk amongst themselves, eat etc...I remember feeling so dirty and ugly...everyone was so well turned out, and I felt like a bag lady.....Kevin said I was the most beautiful woman, but I am not...I never feel beautiful...Kevin says if they are looking at you its because of your beauty and small physique...they are jealous...I say BULLSHIT...I am not beautiful, all my life I was told I was ugly, plain, good for nothing, so that is what I believe...whether right or wrong...that is what I see when I look in the mirror...I see a woman who is old and tired and certainly not beautiful...no matter how many people tell me I am, I know they are just being nice, pandering to me, even Kevin..
Then a couple days later, Kevin tells me that one of the ladys I met at the party told him how beautiful I was, and that I was a keeper...the FUCK? That lady never said two words to me at the party, in fact nobody spoke to me at all, unless I said something first...I realize no one knew me, but they KNOW Kevin. So my head goes "its because of the DID, they are afraid to talk to a freak, a monster might pop out!"
Being around people makes me so insecure with myself, especially professional people, because I have no job to talk about, only my dog and the DID...and nobody wants to talk about the DID, especially me...so that leaves me a wallflower in a sea of leaves...a fly on the wall...there but not really there....
Anyway, the dinner was not a negative experience, I got to tour her beautiful home, which I love to tour homes, had some good food, and met some of Kevins co-workers, and then I got to spend the evening with Kevin...that is a win-win, for me.
Before I knew about my DID, I loved to go to parties, to be around people, my entire life I have never met a stranger..always so gregarious and outgoing...but then the DID diagnosis...now I am paranoid to be around others, I get nervous at parties..I am always second guessing myself...where I use to be happy go lucky, silly and fun and the life of the party...now I am a paranoid scared shell of a woman...
Is my diagnosis helping or hurting me...that is the question...
S
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