So its the holiday season again. I fucking hate this time of year. In 07 we buried my father on Halloween day...my mothers birthday is in November, right around thanksgiving and I hate sending her a card...I hate having to go through the motions of being a good daughter...it takes me forever to find a card I am comfortable sending her...then my dads birthday is in December...the same day as Ronnie birthday...so it always brings back the horrible memories of my time with Ronnie (who is now in prison serving time for pedophilia)...then their is christmas day....supposedly Jesus birthday, but it isnt. It is just a day the christians marked...Christmas is a farce...its all about greed, spending money and getting presents...it has nothing to do with anything religious. I hate Christmas....
My advocate on the other hand loves christmas...he puts up a Dallas Cowboy tree complete with over 200 mint dallas ornaments...the tree is pretty..but it is a christmas tree...and christian lore says the tree represents the wooden cross that Jesus was crucified on...I hate christmas trees..I hate everything to do with christmas...
When I was little, my step dad came home drunk, destroyed the house and picked up the tree and threw it at me, he then picked the tree up again and started hitting me with it....once we had a train track around the tree for christmas and I was playing with it and something happened and my dad started beating me with the train track...I would get gifts (mostly from my bio father and his family, who had no ideal of the abuse I was suffering living with my mother)...but those toys were always taken away from me for some fucking reason...so I never could really enjoy my gifts...the only gift I got and managed to keep (because I would hide her in a boot in the closet) was my Chrissy doll...
Then after I was married and had kids...christmas was about "I want this, I want that" and my kids were so greedy and spoiled...but nobody took their toys away...
I cannot stand all the christmas music...it makes my skin crawl. Christmas makes my skin crawl...I hate it..hate it, hate it.......
My family would go and listen to my dad preach on the sunday before christmas..he would stand up there all holy and stuff, and I would sit in the pew and remember how he rejected me in his letter to the seminary...I did not exist...the seminary was lied too by him and my mother so they could get admission to the university...A fucking LIE..when I confronted him on this all he said was "you need to let things go..." he did not apologize or anything...neither did my mother who also omitted me from her admissions letter. I DO NOT EXIST TO THE TROUTMAN FAMILY...
CHRISTIANS ARE THE BIGGEST ABUSERS AND LIARS IN THE WORLD.
Christmas is nothing more than a big HYPOCRITAL FIASCO for the christians and the commercial ads and greed....All the christians who seem so humble and loving but deep inside are nothing more than hypocrites liars and glutens...big fat fucking idiots...I hate this season.....
I can already feel the depression coming on...My advocate will have his son the week before christmas...that means presents, gifts and christmas shit for the kid....I do not want to be a part of it....I feel like a fucking hypocrite even participating in christmas shit for show...
When I watch little kids like my advocates son who is 9, my grandkids and even my own kids when they were little, get all excited for christmas day and the opening the presents under the tree it makes me feel like I want to puke....it brings back so many horrible fucking nightmare memories of my childhood christmas's...I almost get a PTSD attack at times...I do not know how to tell my advocate that I want nothing to do with christmas and his son....that should be about him and his son only...I should not and do not want to be a part of it...
The christmas season does not bring me joy or thanksgiving for anything...it only brings me fucking flashbacks of a horrible life...I HATE IT. I hate all the fucking christian christmas posts in facebook...all the fucking pictures of families all together sharing a meal and presents under the tree..makes me sick to my stomach...
well I guess I have puked enough on this post...
S, sophee
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Her heart was shattered on christmas day when she was beat by her dad...I stepped in and now I control her heart..I will not let anyone hurt her heart again...she is so fragile emotionally already, and the holidays just make it worse for her and harder for me..
I could care less about christmas or any other holiday...but for her, it is the hardest time of year...and I know how bad her heart hurts...
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