Hmmmm

 So is my diagnoses of DID helping me or hurting me??

Before I knew I had DID, I was very gregarious, the life of the party, the person on stage with the microphone, the comedian and goof ball...I never met a stranger, and I would do my best to include everyone that I felt was "standing alone"...

I did many news reports on camera concerning the dog park, been on a Purina commercial, and stood by my husbands side at all his dignitary luncheons and work parties.  I have friends that are reality TV stars...Street Outlaws...I am friends with governors and other high ranking officials because of my relationship with the now deceased Don Bobzien, the founder of the award winning dog park I managed...

I NEVER had any qualms about the life I led...I was never the shy or introvert, just the opposite....

BUT NOW:  everything about me has changed.  I no longer live in an area where I can see my "celebrity friends"...I  only have a handful of friends now...I am afraid to be in large crowds, work event parties with my advocate, leave me second guessing myself, and afraid to engage...

I am full of fear:  will one of the alters pop out?  What if I can't remember something important because I was not fronting...I am so insecure about myself, I feel I cannot trust my mind anymore...remembering the horror I endured as a child, has not really helped me heal...I now feel so dirty inside, dirty filthy...when I did not know about the abuse, especially the sexual abuse, I never remember feeling dirty...but then remembering how that monster touched me and abused me, the things he said to me, I now feel guilty and dirty.

No matter how many showers I take, I cannot get the filth off...because the filth is in my head, screaming at me all the fucking time...Once a man told a little girl who had bruises on her arms "you must have been a naughty little girl"..I guess she was...

Now, learning about my DID, does answer so many questions and it explains so much, but it is not a soul cleansing diagnosis, in fact it is a diagnosis that is terminal, and I will always feel forever ugly, dirty, gross, cheap, incomplete.  

In a room full of peacocks, I am the only one with my head in the sand...ashamed of who I am, and dirty because of who I am...

So am I being helped, or further abused....?  jerked around mentally by 7 alters, emotional abuse by them....DID is a love/hate condition.

S,7