I have had a crazy roller coaster of a ride this past couple of weeks. My depression started hitting and various incidences happened, then all hell broke lose with my alters...I had a day that I simply do not remember...the entire day...gone...poof....
When I asked my advocate what happened, he said "don't worry about it"...You are fine...
what did I do? Who was out? what did they do or say? what happened? I ended up with a few cut marks on my arm...which indicates Sophee was out and doing what she does to get my head out of the depression ass...but why????
When I have days of not knowing what happened, when days are entirely completely a blank, I know that I was "rapid switching"....going from one alter to another...
well evidently yesterday was another day of rapid switching...I knew Sammy was out because the disco ball was out and my stereo was on...I know that 7 and Sophee were out because of their cigarette butts in the ashtray...but why?
This time, I know the why...I had another memory...this time the memory is from when I was in my very late 20's, a very horrifying and disgusting memory...
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They had just left the support group meeting. He wanted to go and sit in an old school bus on the property to talk....we talked...then he suggested we go sit in his truck, since everyone was pretty much gone, had gone home...the parking lot was dark and deserted.
She got up in the cab of the truck, him coming in beside her...as they talked he pulled out his pistol (which had a very long barrel), she could see it had been shot and not cleaned as some gun powder residue was on the end of the barrel. He pointed the gun at her and told her to lay back...she did...he pulled up her dress, pulled down her panties and placed the barrel of the gun against her private area...gun powder residue was left on her upper thigh ...she was not scared...in fact, the act of intended violence excited her...he removed the gun and stared at her. She stared back then whispered to him "hit me..." and he did....he hit her on the shoulder, then hit her in the stomach, back, sides..hit her everywhere as she struggled in her seat..
This was the first time she asked anyone to hit her....being hit and hurt excited her...wow...thus started a year long affair with a man who had no qualms in hitting a woman...the only rule was "don't hit the face"...
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Now as stupid and retarded as that memory sounds...wanting to be hurt....let me explain the psychology of why...
As an abused child...I was hit, sexually molested, you name it...but after an attack by the fuck that was my step dad...he would say "good girl"..."I love you"..."I am only hitting you because I love you"...etc.....this continued into teenagerhood by being involved with a man who did the same thing...hit and hurt me...
So I associate love with pain....when I can't feel anything...I can feel pain...and pain soothes me...it reminds me that I am still alive...not dead....
I married a man who never hit me...even when I asked him too, he balked and told me I was not right in the head...he would not hit me, ever...so I found somebody who would..I needed that part of me satisfied...my marriage was nothing, I felt nothing with my husband, I felt like a Zombie..
then when I met the guy at the support group, he made me feel alive again, I knew he was dangerous (because of the type of group we were in), we clicked...I allowed him to hit me, and by hitting me he got to work out some of his anger..and I got to feel alive, fuck that sounds fucking idiotic... but it worked...until it didn't.
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My husband was not aware of the affair at first...he never saw the bruises or asked where I had been...he was always so wrapped up in his job and working out at the gym..and if he did notice a mark, I just blew it off and gave him some sort of bullshit answer....and it worked...my husband never knew of the beatings....however, he did find out about the affair after awhile...he confronted the guy, then I never saw the guy again...I knew where he worked and I would often drive by there, "wanting to go in and see him" but I never did....I had kids that needed a mom...I had to stop my "moonlighting ways.." and I did.
I put my "urge, for pain" on the back burner...I went on all kinds of drugs to keep that urge suppressed...at one point I was on 12 different medications, mood altering meds..I became a walking Zombie, void of emotion...pretty sure Tessa lived as me for years and years...because I have huge memory losses when it comes to those days...
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I now live in a place far away from my original home...I am in a lifestyle that is alternative to the mainstream type lifestyles....I have found a way to get the pain I want and crave, yet not be harmed physically...I have found a mate who has complete control of themselves and their emotions...I trust this person with my life...
The guy in my previous life, would hit and hurt me, I mean really hurt me, to the point of a brain injury...that does not happen now...I only get enough pain now, to feel human and alive...pain comforts me...pain keeps me alive.
S, T, sophee
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