7 and friends

 Most of yesterday is a blur...it was a rapid switch day...it was a really bad day for me, and evidently my girls, especially 7.

I have a friend that me and my advocate are helping get back on his feet...I really like this guy, in fact if you ever watch my videos, some of them at the end I say "Hi JR"....this is the friend we are helping, he is a disabled veteran...7, does not want me to be friends with him, she barely can tolerate my advocate...she sees me opening up my heart to them and she stops it...

well yesterday, evidently she sent the friend a "mean" text...trying to push him away...she even signed her name 7...so he knew it was an alter...he talked with my advocate about the text, and he knows it was not me, Sparrow, but an alter trying to protect my heart from being broken...7, pushes people away...my heart has been shattered abused and ignored my entire life...and I am starting to realize that 7 is a big contributor to me not having any real friends....she pushes people away from me, when I start to get close to them...but what she doesn't realize that by doing this, she is hurting my heart anyway...

Yesterday was the culmination of 3 or 4 days of 7.  It came to a head last night, and her and my advocate had a long talk...I was mentally exhausted...

when I switch like that, it exhausts me, it literally makes my brain fatigued, it is like running a 20 mile marathon without stopping....

I did not sleep last night, I tossed and turned all night, I literally did not start dozing off until around 4:30 am....as fucking tired as I was, my brain would not sleep, in fact, other areas of my brain started malfunctioning, I was sweating hot one minute and freezing the next, my head was pounding all night...I took 4 Ibuprofen PM sleep aids, and still did not sleep....the girls in my head would not go to sleep, they ran around all night slamming doors and switching on lights....  

I realized that sleep aides do not affect my alters...that is why the Ambien never worked for me...kinda like Sophee does not feel pain at all...they somehow elude the medication all together....so fucking weird.  If sophee felt pain, then she would not burn me with cigarettes or cut me or bruise me because she would feel it...she has even broken my bones...and does not feel a thing...after she leaves, I feel the pain, the burning, the aches, I see the marks she left and they hurt like a bitch, especially the burns....and all I can think of is to take care of the wounds....

My shrinks called the marks "self-harm"...well yes, and no.  Yes it is harm to  my body, yes you can watch me burn myself or cut myself, on the outside looking in all you see is me, Sparrow...so the doctors believed me, Sparrow, is the one inflicting pain...but you don't see is the alter, you don't see Sophee, and you don't see or know the reason why she is out and hurting me.....

One minute I am great friends with somebody, and the next "they are gone" or I said or did something to push them away...me, Sparrow looks like a bitch, nobody wants to be around a bitch...but what they don't realize is they are not dealing with Sparrow, they are dealing with 7, another person, inside my body....

DID is not people friendly...because people don't understand that they may not be talking to me, Sparrow..all they physically see is Sparrow...or when they do talk with one of my alters, unknowably, they hear and see a hypocrite, they don't understand that Sparrow is one person, 7, Sophee and the others are complete people, different than me, Sparrow...DID makes people look "crazy"...

It takes a very strong and understanding person to be in a relationship with a someone who has DID, because they are not just in a relationship with that individual person, they are also in a relationship with all of the alters...because they all live inside that person, they are a package deal...

there are eight different and distinct personalities crammed into one head and at any given moment one of them could be fronting....this is life with DID.

A clusterfuck of confusion, disorientation, anger, pain, happiness, everything...

Sparrow