7 and friends

 Most of yesterday is a blur...it was a rapid switch day...it was a really bad day for me, and evidently my girls, especially 7.

I have a friend that me and my advocate are helping get back on his feet...I really like this guy, in fact if you ever watch my videos, some of them at the end I say "Hi JR"....this is the friend we are helping, he is a disabled veteran...7, does not want me to be friends with him, she barely can tolerate my advocate...she sees me opening up my heart to them and she stops it...

well yesterday, evidently she sent the friend a "mean" text...trying to push him away...she even signed her name 7...so he knew it was an alter...he talked with my advocate about the text, and he knows it was not me, Sparrow, but an alter trying to protect my heart from being broken...7, pushes people away...my heart has been shattered abused and ignored my entire life...and I am starting to realize that 7 is a big contributor to me not having any real friends....she pushes people away from me, when I start to get close to them...but what she doesn't realize that by doing this, she is hurting my heart anyway...

Yesterday was the culmination of 3 or 4 days of 7.  It came to a head last night, and her and my advocate had a long talk...I was mentally exhausted...

when I switch like that, it exhausts me, it literally makes my brain fatigued, it is like running a 20 mile marathon without stopping....

I did not sleep last night, I tossed and turned all night, I literally did not start dozing off until around 4:30 am....as fucking tired as I was, my brain would not sleep, in fact, other areas of my brain started malfunctioning, I was sweating hot one minute and freezing the next, my head was pounding all night...I took 4 Ibuprofen PM sleep aids, and still did not sleep....the girls in my head would not go to sleep, they ran around all night slamming doors and switching on lights....  

I realized that sleep aides do not affect my alters...that is why the Ambien never worked for me...kinda like Sophee does not feel pain at all...they somehow elude the medication all together....so fucking weird.  If sophee felt pain, then she would not burn me with cigarettes or cut me or bruise me because she would feel it...she has even broken my bones...and does not feel a thing...after she leaves, I feel the pain, the burning, the aches, I see the marks she left and they hurt like a bitch, especially the burns....and all I can think of is to take care of the wounds....

My shrinks called the marks "self-harm"...well yes, and no.  Yes it is harm to  my body, yes you can watch me burn myself or cut myself, on the outside looking in all you see is me, Sparrow...so the doctors believed me, Sparrow, is the one inflicting pain...but you don't see is the alter, you don't see Sophee, and you don't see or know the reason why she is out and hurting me.....

One minute I am great friends with somebody, and the next "they are gone" or I said or did something to push them away...me, Sparrow looks like a bitch, nobody wants to be around a bitch...but what they don't realize is they are not dealing with Sparrow, they are dealing with 7, another person, inside my body....

DID is not people friendly...because people don't understand that they may not be talking to me, Sparrow..all they physically see is Sparrow...or when they do talk with one of my alters, unknowably, they hear and see a hypocrite, they don't understand that Sparrow is one person, 7, Sophee and the others are complete people, different than me, Sparrow...DID makes people look "crazy"...

It takes a very strong and understanding person to be in a relationship with a someone who has DID, because they are not just in a relationship with that individual person, they are also in a relationship with all of the alters...because they all live inside that person, they are a package deal...

there are eight different and distinct personalities crammed into one head and at any given moment one of them could be fronting....this is life with DID.

A clusterfuck of confusion, disorientation, anger, pain, happiness, everything...

Sparrow

"The Devil You Know" the Pazuzu Algarad story.

 Last night I watched a mini-series on Pazuzu Algarad.  If you don't remember him, he was arrested and convicted of two murders in 2009.  He lived in Winston-salem, NC.  His arrest made national news as he was penned a "Satan-Worshipping Killer"...the show was called "The Devil You Know"...

At first the sensationalism of him being a Satanist, captivated the country...all kinds of rumors whirled : he killed 2 prostitutes, his tongue was split and he could move both points independently, his teeth were filed to points, etc.....none of this was true, but the media exploded on the Satanic theme, and the police department totally and utterly fucked up in investigating him...it was a media/police clusterfuck.  Which ultimately ended with Pazuzu killing himself in prison.

I watched this show, because the investigator was doing the story on "why, how, when, what" went wrong with this young man...and it also chronicled the stories of Pazuzu's friends from 2009-2018 and their lives...

Pazuzu was the demons name in the show The Exorcists.  He changed his name to Pazuzu.  This kid from early on, displayed violent tendencies killing animals, being anti-social and at 13 was diagnosed with a schizophrenic diagnosis...He was given vitamins and Ativan.  That is it....he was patted on the ass and sent back home...the system failed him...

His mother repeatedly during his childhood tried to get this kid help and the system failed her and failed him.  He dropped out of school and became involved with drugs...he continued to do everything in his power to be Anti-establishment.  Winston-Salem is in the bible belt, it is a republican, protestant, bible thumping conservative state, so Pazuzu did everything to be anti that.....He embraced Satanism because it was anti-god....he had a following of other drug addicted disaffected youth and his home became a horrible place....yet his mother still lived with him or he lived with his mother....his mother witnessed him and his girlfriend shoot a man...yet she went on to work...she reported the incident to the police, which the police in turn, dropped the ball....the guy they shot, they dismembered and buried in the back yard...then they killed another man, buried him.  Multiple people told the police that bodies were buried in that back yard...but the police, did not believe them, because they had tattoos, piercings and were NOT CHRISTIAN.

The mini series also chronicles one of Pazuzus closest friends who was a marine and fought in Iraq.  It also chronicled how the US failed this veteran too....During one scene with the soldier he took his cigarette and  burned his arm 10 times, and never felt the pain...Sophee has burned my arm also with cigarettes, she does not feel the pain, and I only feel the pain once she is gone....So I get being numb and not feeling...my heart ached for that soldier.

This whole mini series was not just about what Pazuzu did, it was how he got to that point.

I could not help but relate to Pazuzu and the kids around him....I was that kid!  I got involved with Satanism, I did drugs, I stole from stores, I was a kid also that fell through the cracks of divorce, and abuse....but instead of going the route Pazuzu went, my mind split and my girls took over...Pazuzu became a murderer and I became split (DID).  My girls refocused my rage and anger on myself, so it was myself I hurt, not animals, not others...Self-harm.

My girls saved me from ending up just like Pazuzu and his followers.  For that, I am profoundly grateful...it would have been so fucking easy for me to end up in prison or dead...I, as a young child around 6ish, tried twice to kill  my step father...my foray into murder...I failed of course....but later at the age of 12, I picked up drugs...drugs kept me from feeling pain, they helped me to forget the trauma and abuse, they made me socially acceptable in certain crowds, in fact, drugs saved my life....

If I had not picked up drugs and learned at that young age how to quell my thoughts, feelings and potential violent tendencies, then I would not be here today.

Of course, drugs have the downside also, addiction and shit like that, which I also suffered from until I was detoxed...

I recommend this mini-series to everybody...not because of the sensationalism of Satanism and the Occult, but the look behind the mask....nobody is born a monster, they are raised to be monsters, they are misdiagnosed, bullied and abused...Pazuzus mother was abusive to him, which he in turn abused her...been there did that...as a child....

After the show was over, I sat and thought about it...realizing how "lucky" I am to have DID.  Fuck, never thought I would say that...but there it is...I am blessed to have DID, it saved my life...not god, not fucking jesus, not my parents, but my alters....and now, my advocate continues to save my life...our lives, me and my girls.

This show did not focus and concentrate on being in a bible belt state, for that I am so grateful, no preachers on the show...it did not have religious undertones. It did not say "well he just needed to get saved" none of that bullshit..it was frank, honest, and horrifying and showed that religion and Jesus is nothing but a fucking joke...and so many kids are falling through the "christian" cracks....

The show chronicled reality.  America the great??? I think not.

S, T, sophee

thanksgiving thank you's...

 So, its Thanksgiving.  the time of year when you either stuff your face, or count your blessings....

Well I will not be stuffing my face, but I will count my blessings...

My grandchildren are my blessings, Gage was a blessing even though he is gone now...

My kids are blessings for the most part, other times I want to ring their necks!

I am blessed to have money, food and a roof over my head.  I am blessed in that I do not have to hold a job, I can  be retired and happy.

Blah blah blah blah...the usual "I am thankful for" answers!

But the what am I thankful for the most???

My advocate.  He has blessed me with understanding, patience, courage, knowledge, caring, love, acceptance...he has held my hand during my initial diagnosis of DID.  He did not run away, he has stayed and fought for me, fought for my alters, he has fought for my life...He has single handedly done more for me in 4 years than anyone else has in my lifetime...

Not my husband, not my parents, not my friends, not my relatives...I was married over 30 years to a man who basically ignored my "sparrowisms", ignored my  pleas for help, ignored me and favored God over me...fuck that...

My parents??? now that is a joke!  My mom did nothing for me growing up except teach me hate, disgust and anger...

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I am glad and happy that I no longer have to pretend to be her...I can be me, 7.  I don't have to hide my smoking, I can sit in our own home anywhere and just be me.  It is refreshing that I don't have to concern myself with being a girl because she is, it is so tough for me to pretend I am her when we are around people, I do not like "being a female".  And, I don't have to be a man...what a freak that would be...being 7 takes away the baggage of sexual orientation...I can just focus on keeping her heart safe.

7

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for me, Tessa, I love my ring...I can turn it to my color and be safe in knowing that others know who I am without making a big deal out of it.  I enjoy being the "head" of the home...because I am just that...I keep her home in working order,  I keep her safe in her home...I don't mind pretending to be her, but being able to be me is nice and calm.

We are all so thankful of her advocate...I think that is a stupid description of the man who has been helping her, us, to live a full life as us...he is more than just her advocate (whatever that means...) he is her savior....He saved her, and he has saved us too.  I like him...he is fun, understanding and doesn't yell at her/us...he talks with me, as Tessa, not as her...I like that.

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He will dance with me...he is fun.  I like that.  I like that he is trying to learn how to communicate with me...nobody has ever done that but my friend, from a long time ago...

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we are all happy, I think...I can't speak for the others, but I think we are all in a good place...and that is because of Kevin, the advocate...our friend, our confidant, and our voice...Thank you.

S, T, 7, and sammy

comfortable pain

 I have had a crazy roller coaster of a ride this past couple of weeks.  My depression started hitting and various incidences happened, then all hell broke lose with my alters...I had a day that I simply do not remember...the entire day...gone...poof....

When I asked my advocate what happened, he said "don't worry about it"...You are fine...

what did I do?  Who was out?  what did they do or say?  what happened?  I ended up with a few cut marks on my arm...which indicates Sophee was out and doing what she does to get my  head out of the depression ass...but why????

When I have days of not knowing what happened, when days are entirely completely a blank, I know that I was "rapid switching"....going from one alter to another...

well evidently yesterday was another day of rapid switching...I knew Sammy was out because the disco ball was out and my stereo was on...I know that 7 and Sophee were out because of their cigarette butts in the ashtray...but why?

This time, I know the why...I had another memory...this time the memory is from when I was in my very late 20's, a very horrifying and disgusting memory...

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They had just left the support group meeting.  He wanted to go and sit in an old school bus on the property to talk....we talked...then he suggested we go sit in his truck, since everyone was pretty much gone, had gone home...the parking lot was dark and deserted.  

She got up in the cab of the truck, him coming in beside her...as they talked he pulled out his pistol (which had a very long barrel), she could see it had been shot and not cleaned as some gun powder residue was on the end of the barrel.  He pointed the gun at her and told her to lay back...she did...he pulled up her dress, pulled down her panties and placed the barrel of the gun against her private area...gun powder residue was left on her upper thigh ...she was not scared...in fact, the act of intended violence excited her...he removed the gun and stared at her.  She stared back then whispered to him "hit me..."  and he did....he hit her on the shoulder, then hit her in the stomach, back, sides..hit her everywhere as she struggled in her seat..

This was the first time she asked anyone to hit her....being hit and hurt excited her...wow...thus started a year long affair with a man who had no qualms in hitting a woman...the only rule was "don't hit the face"...

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Now as stupid and retarded as that memory sounds...wanting to be hurt....let me explain the psychology of why...

As an abused child...I was hit, sexually molested, you name it...but after an attack by the fuck that was my step dad...he would say "good girl"..."I love you"..."I am only hitting you because I love you"...etc.....this continued into teenagerhood by being involved with a man who did the same thing...hit and hurt me...

So I associate love with pain....when I can't feel anything...I can feel pain...and pain soothes me...it reminds me that I am still alive...not dead....

I married a man who never hit me...even when I asked him too, he balked and told me I was not right in the head...he would not hit me, ever...so I found somebody who would..I needed that part of me satisfied...my marriage was nothing, I felt nothing with my husband, I felt like a Zombie..

then when I met the guy at the support group, he made me feel alive again, I knew he was dangerous (because of the type of group we were in), we clicked...I allowed him to hit me, and by hitting me he got to work out some of his anger..and I got to feel alive, fuck that sounds fucking idiotic... but it worked...until it didn't.

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My husband was not aware of the affair at first...he never saw the bruises or asked where I had been...he was always so wrapped up in his job and working out at the gym..and if he did notice a mark, I just blew it off and gave him some sort of bullshit answer....and it worked...my husband never knew of the beatings....however, he did find out about the affair after awhile...he confronted the guy, then I never saw the guy again...I knew where he worked and I would often drive by there, "wanting to go in and see him" but I never did....I had kids that needed a mom...I had to stop my "moonlighting ways.."  and I did.

I put my "urge, for pain" on the back burner...I went on all kinds of drugs to keep that urge suppressed...at one point I was on 12 different medications, mood altering meds..I became a walking Zombie, void of emotion...pretty sure Tessa lived as me for years and years...because I have huge memory losses when it comes to those days...

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I now live in a place far away from my original home...I am in a lifestyle that is alternative to the mainstream type lifestyles....I have found a way to get the pain I want and crave, yet not be harmed physically...I have found a mate who has complete control of themselves and their emotions...I trust this person with my life...

The guy in my previous life, would hit and hurt me, I mean really hurt me, to the point of a brain injury...that does not happen now...I only get enough pain now, to feel human and alive...pain comforts me...pain keeps me alive.

S, T, sophee

soft abuse

 I wish I could control my emotions better....but, my emotions are not just controlled by me, my girls have their own emotions and all our emotions can and do collide...making me, Sparrow, an emotional  nightmare....

I get all these thoughts in my head, I use to think it was because I am an overthinker, but when I am depressed, I don't think...I don't want to think...I want to close my door and windows, turn off the lights and go to bed throwing the covers over my head...I want to sleep...sleep forever...

But in the midst of that, I get words in my head "stupid" "you are acting like a big baby" "get up stupid" "big deal if you are lonely, we are alone" "just die already" "nobody will ever understand or like you" "monster monster monster"

I feel like my alters are now my abusers...they persecute me, they belittle me, they harm me,  they control my thoughts and actions, they put me to sleep....etc

Why would my alters abuse me?  Aren't they there to protect me??  Is their form of abuse, helpful to me, Sparrow?  

I feel it is "soft abuse"....a nagging persistent ache in my head...a ticking that never stops...amnesia...crying...headaches... 

I am being beat up by alters wearing fur and pillow gloves...yet hitting me over and over and over and over and over and over...it never stops....

S

mothers daughter...

 I have never been able to believe I am beautiful.  No matter how many people tell me so, I can not and will not ever accept that I am beautiful...

I look in a mirror and I do not see beauty,  I see...nothing.

And tonight I finally understand why.  Why I see nothing...

I was cleaning out my photos in my cell phone, getting rid of the memes or repetitive pictures...and I saw a picture of myself...I was not smiling,  but looking straight into the camera...

In that moment I realized, that I look just like my mother...at this age...small physique, blonde hair...the only difference, my eyes are brown, where hers are blue....but looking at that picture of me, I only saw her.....my beautiful monster mother...

I hate my mother....I love my mother.....my mother was beautiful....I am a monster...my mothers beauty with her monster results...my mother was a monster...a beautiful monster.  

I am my mothers daughter...I am beautiful...a beautiful monster.

NEVER TELL ME I AM BEAUTIFUL...THAT IS DEATH TO ME, TO HER, TO US...

S, sophee, 7

finished and done

 So we did not do a video this past week...My advocate is having a hard time coming up with a topic that he can expand on....nothing is coming together....

This is why:  The videos have come to an end....there is nothing more to talk about in regards to my DID...

My advocate told me that "watch time" increases when I am on the video...well I wonder why???

This is why:  the few people actually watching the videos want to see a "switch"...they want to see one of my other girls...so they watch the videos with me in them talking, in hope that I will freak out and become somebody else.

I bet if I did allow a "switch" on camera, or a video of one of the girls in action on the Youtube channel our ratings would go up...People want to see the freak show, they want something entertaining to watch....If it is not sensationalism or fake news, then there is no interest and really not even a desire to learn more about the condition...

Hollywood has cemented the stigma of DID with all their fuck ass movies and books...

This condition will never be anything more than a "fake illness", "a movie show" or pure entertainment for the public.

I will not lump myself with all the other "switch caught" bullshit on the other DID channels...if the public really doesn't want to learn about this disorder, then I refuse to keep putting myself out there...it is a colossal waste of my time and my advocates time...

And the knowledge that people are more interested in "seeing me" than actually learning what my advocate has to say,  speaks volumes about the integrity of the videos, fuck knowledge, fuck trying to educate, fuck trying to explain the disorder...NO ONE REALLY CARES...they just want to be entertained...PERIOD

so for entertainment purposes:  Go visit "Multiplicity" or "Encina" or "Disassociative" or any of the other thousands of entertaining DID videos that put on a show....

I am out.

S, T, sophee

Hmmmm

 So is my diagnoses of DID helping me or hurting me??

Before I knew I had DID, I was very gregarious, the life of the party, the person on stage with the microphone, the comedian and goof ball...I never met a stranger, and I would do my best to include everyone that I felt was "standing alone"...

I did many news reports on camera concerning the dog park, been on a Purina commercial, and stood by my husbands side at all his dignitary luncheons and work parties.  I have friends that are reality TV stars...Street Outlaws...I am friends with governors and other high ranking officials because of my relationship with the now deceased Don Bobzien, the founder of the award winning dog park I managed...

I NEVER had any qualms about the life I led...I was never the shy or introvert, just the opposite....

BUT NOW:  everything about me has changed.  I no longer live in an area where I can see my "celebrity friends"...I  only have a handful of friends now...I am afraid to be in large crowds, work event parties with my advocate, leave me second guessing myself, and afraid to engage...

I am full of fear:  will one of the alters pop out?  What if I can't remember something important because I was not fronting...I am so insecure about myself, I feel I cannot trust my mind anymore...remembering the horror I endured as a child, has not really helped me heal...I now feel so dirty inside, dirty filthy...when I did not know about the abuse, especially the sexual abuse, I never remember feeling dirty...but then remembering how that monster touched me and abused me, the things he said to me, I now feel guilty and dirty.

No matter how many showers I take, I cannot get the filth off...because the filth is in my head, screaming at me all the fucking time...Once a man told a little girl who had bruises on her arms "you must have been a naughty little girl"..I guess she was...

Now, learning about my DID, does answer so many questions and it explains so much, but it is not a soul cleansing diagnosis, in fact it is a diagnosis that is terminal, and I will always feel forever ugly, dirty, gross, cheap, incomplete.  

In a room full of peacocks, I am the only one with my head in the sand...ashamed of who I am, and dirty because of who I am...

So am I being helped, or further abused....?  jerked around mentally by 7 alters, emotional abuse by them....DID is a love/hate condition.

S,7

post fiesta dinner results...

 Well the dinner party was nice...the food was AWESOME and evidently my spinach enchiladas were a hit, because they were gone fast.. The home was like a home out of "Better Homes and Gardens"  absolutely stunning, an old home with huge front porch, high ceilings and wood floors.. the bathroom had a big claw tub...I wanted to run me a bubble bath and forget about the party downstairs! haha

I was introduced to various people, they were nice said their "hellos and nice to meet ya" then they were off and I never talked with them again...There were so many people there, even Kevin did not know them all...

we stayed for about 2 hours, but when everyone started drinking and getting loud and rowdy, I wanted to leave...so far, no one had asked me about the DID, but I know when people get alcohol in them, their lips and tongues get loser and they feel more bold...I did not want to have to explain myself to a drunk person...I asked Kevin if we could leave and he said "yes"..so we went and thanked the host and left.

As I sat and watched the people talk amongst themselves, eat etc...I remember feeling so dirty and ugly...everyone was so well turned out, and I felt like a bag lady.....Kevin said I was the most beautiful woman, but I am not...I never feel beautiful...Kevin says if they are looking at you its because of your beauty and small physique...they are jealous...I say BULLSHIT...I am not beautiful, all my life I was told I was ugly, plain, good for nothing, so that is what I believe...whether right or wrong...that is what I see when I look in the mirror...I see a woman who is old and tired and certainly not beautiful...no matter how many people tell me I am, I know they are just being nice, pandering to me, even Kevin..

Then a couple days later, Kevin tells me that one of the ladys I met at the party told him how beautiful I was, and that I was a keeper...the FUCK?  That lady never said two words to me at the party, in fact nobody spoke to me at all, unless I said something first...I realize no one knew me, but they KNOW Kevin.  So my head goes "its because of the DID, they are afraid to talk to a freak, a monster might pop out!"  

Being around people makes me so insecure with myself, especially professional people, because I have no job to talk about, only my dog and the DID...and nobody wants to talk about the DID, especially me...so that leaves me a wallflower in a sea of leaves...a fly on the wall...there but not really there....

Anyway, the dinner was not a negative experience, I got to tour her beautiful home, which I love to tour homes, had some good food, and met some of Kevins co-workers, and then I got to spend the evening with Kevin...that is a win-win, for me.

Before I knew about my DID, I loved to go to parties, to be around people, my entire life I have never met a stranger..always so gregarious and outgoing...but then the DID diagnosis...now I am paranoid to be around others, I get nervous at parties..I am always second guessing myself...where I use to be happy go lucky, silly and fun and the life of the party...now I am a paranoid scared shell of a woman...

Is my diagnosis helping or hurting me...that is the question...

S

fiesta dinner

 So, Tessa has been talking with some of my friends on the Sparrows House facebook page...That makes me happy that she feels she can be herself and talk with others, but at the same time it freaks me out....I am there, but I am not there...

What will happen if Tessa gets so comfortable with my friends, facebook and Kevin that she decides to be out more often...that will be less of me, Sparrow, and more of her...don't know how I feel about that...

7 is getting so comfortable that she basically fronts to have a fucking cigarette, then she leaves...I hate smoking..but Kevin buys her cigarettes and says it is important for me to let her smoke, to let Sophee smoke too...fuck

Tonight Kevin and I are going to a Fiesta dinner.  I am bringing spinach enchiladas, that Tessa made..)  this dinner is at a co-worker of Kevins home.  There will be people there that Kevin works with...and alot of them know about my DID and have watched the videos...so I am very nervous about being around people who know about me but I don't know them...Will they be waiting and watching for one of my girls to pop out?  Will they be staring at my ring?  Will they want to talk to me about the DID?  Kevin said he would not leave me alone at all, while we are there.  But he also said that if someone wants to talk about he DID, that it would be good for me to talk with them about what I know about it.   

I need to get more comfortable in my own skin...I need to be able to talk about my condition easily because one of these days I will have to talk with my family, so this is a training dinner!  Talking about DID on facebook, or making videos is one thing, actually being in a room full of people watching me is a whole nuther animal...

I hope it goes well...I am very very nervous and apprehensive.  But I do want to go to the dinner...I love going places and doing things and meeting new people.  These are Kevins friends, his co-workers and it is important for me, to behave.  I am a reflection of Kevin,  and I want to give a positive impression to his friends.

 I don't want them to see the girls...I want to be normal at this dinner.  No side show attraction...I hope the girls behave...

S

Holiday season sucks

 So its the holiday season again.  I fucking hate this time of year.  In 07 we buried my father on Halloween day...my mothers birthday is in November, right around thanksgiving and I hate sending her a card...I hate having to go through the motions of being a good daughter...it takes me forever to find a card I am comfortable sending her...then my dads birthday is in December...the same day as Ronnie birthday...so it always brings back the horrible memories of my time with Ronnie (who is now in prison serving time for pedophilia)...then their is christmas day....supposedly Jesus birthday, but it isnt.  It is just a day the christians marked...Christmas is a farce...its all about greed, spending money and getting presents...it has nothing to do with anything religious.  I hate Christmas....

My advocate on the other hand loves christmas...he puts up a Dallas Cowboy tree complete with over 200 mint dallas ornaments...the tree is pretty..but it is a christmas tree...and christian lore says the tree represents the wooden cross that Jesus was crucified on...I hate christmas trees..I hate everything to do with christmas...

When I was little, my step dad came home drunk, destroyed the house and picked up the tree and threw it at me, he then picked the tree up again and started hitting me with it....once we had a train track around the tree for christmas and I was playing with it and something happened and my dad started beating me with the train track...I would get gifts (mostly from my bio father and his family, who had no ideal of the abuse I was suffering living with my mother)...but those toys were always taken away from me for some fucking reason...so I never could really enjoy my gifts...the only gift I got and managed to keep (because I would hide her in a boot in the closet) was my Chrissy doll...

Then after I was married and had kids...christmas was about "I want this, I want that" and my kids were so greedy and spoiled...but nobody took their toys away...

I cannot stand all the christmas music...it makes my skin crawl.  Christmas makes my skin crawl...I hate it..hate it, hate it.......

My family would go and listen to my dad preach on the sunday before christmas..he would stand up there all holy and stuff, and I would sit in the pew and remember how he rejected me in his letter to the seminary...I did not exist...the seminary was lied too by him and my mother so they could get admission to the university...A fucking LIE..when I confronted him on this all he said was "you need to let things go..."  he did not apologize or anything...neither did my mother who also omitted me from her admissions letter.  I DO NOT EXIST TO THE TROUTMAN FAMILY...

CHRISTIANS ARE THE BIGGEST ABUSERS AND LIARS IN THE WORLD.

Christmas is nothing more than a big HYPOCRITAL FIASCO for the christians and the commercial ads and greed....All the christians who seem so humble and loving but deep inside are nothing more than hypocrites liars and glutens...big fat fucking idiots...I hate this season.....

I can already feel the depression coming on...My advocate will have his son the week before christmas...that means presents, gifts and christmas shit for the kid....I do not want to be a part of it....I feel like a fucking hypocrite even participating in christmas shit for show...

When I watch little kids like my advocates son who is 9, my grandkids and even my own kids when they were little, get all excited for christmas day and the opening the presents under the tree it makes me feel like I want to puke....it brings back so many horrible fucking nightmare memories of my childhood christmas's...I almost get a PTSD attack at times...I do not know how to tell my advocate that I want nothing to do with christmas and his son....that should be about him and his son only...I should not and do not want to be a part of it...

The christmas season does not bring me joy or thanksgiving for anything...it only brings me fucking flashbacks of a horrible life...I HATE IT.  I hate all the fucking christian christmas posts in facebook...all the fucking pictures of families all together sharing a meal and presents under the tree..makes me sick to my stomach...

well I guess I have puked enough on this post...

S, sophee

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Her heart was shattered on christmas day when she was beat by her dad...I stepped in and now I control her heart..I will not let anyone hurt her heart again...she is so fragile emotionally already, and the holidays just make it worse for her and harder for me..

I could care less about christmas or any other holiday...but for her, it is the hardest time of year...and I know how bad her heart hurts...

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