Sometimes I feel so lost...like a shipwrecked person on an isolated island. Where am I? Why am I here? What do I do? How do I get back?"
Yesterday, I texted with all three of my kids...and I realized that I missed them so much, and I realized that I am so far away from my family. One of my sons is going in for surgery, and I can't be there....my grandsons are growing like weeds..and I am not there.
I am so far away from them that I don't even exist anymore...I am a nobody now...another face in a sea of strange faces...none of my grandkids will know who I am...a nobody for sure.
I thought that I was in a relationship with my advocate, but I was wrong about that too, I am his project...nothing more nothing less...his DID Youtube project. I am still married to a man I only want to be friends with, not wife too....but to divorce him I would lose my health insurance and support....I am such a fucking loser....I have to rely on him, the man, I left, to still take care of me...and he is. Despite everything I have done, he still loves me and is taking care of me the best way he knows how from 1000 miles away...that makes me feel like shit...maggot infested shit.
My advocate takes care of me too...but he is taking care of me because of my "alters"...they like him, they are comfortable with him, unlike with my husband, only Tessa liked him, I think...so for the alters, life is so much better than life in Oklahoma, so they are happy...but me Sparrow? I try to be happy, but it is hard, because I am only 1/8th of a person. So I am outnumbered...
I know that my kids will never let their children (my grandsons) fly out to see me...I don't matter enough to them. Besides they have John...the perfect papa...they don't need me anyway...I am nothing...the crazy memaw...that is all they will ever know and think of me...and that makes my heart ache...
Been here almost 4 yrs and still have literally no friends...no one to hang with or go shopping with, just my advocate. Women do not want to be friends with me...so I sit everyday, alone, and wait for the advocate to get off work so I can see him...
Why don't women like me? I have women friends on facebook, but that is internet, not real life...I have tried many times to be friends with women, I have asked my neighbor if she would like to go kayaking, she said YES, but everytime came up with an excuse to bow out....I have asked numerous times for another neighbor "hey lets go have a drink" and she bowed out every time with excuses...then another woman said "lets go to the mall or shooting or something" yet that was just fucking words...nothing ever materialized and she begged out...
Is it because I have alters?
Am I too ugly to be around?
what is it about me, that women only give me lip service?
even in Oklahoma, I had no girlfriends really...
do they think I am gonna try and steal their boyfriends/husbands?
or am I just that "un-friend-like"...
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Sucks to be me,
as others can see.
a veritable mess,
they seem to guess...
a hideous face,
in a strange place.
seriously alone,
this old crone...
I guess this is it,
for a life that all shit.
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S, T, sammy
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