throwing stones

 So last night, my advocate was on the phone talking to a friend of his.  They talked about all sorts of things, catching up etc...then the phone conversation turned to me, DID and our videos.  At first, I was okay with the conversation, but then it started getting pretty detailed about the abuse (without specifics) and severe trauma that births DID...

I started feeling really uncomfortable....being the subject.   I know that now with the videos out, and me "coming out" about my DID...I need to be use to being the subject...but I am not.   Despite everything, I am still just a scared little girl inside.

Scared that I won't be accepted

scared that I will be abandoned

scared that people will hate me

scared that they will think I am lying

scared of what people will think of me

scared of being ridiculed and mocked

scared of being hated....

This friend that my advocate was talking too, does not know me from Adam....I have never met him and probably never will....but this is another person who knows all about me,  another person to judge me, question me, look at me as a freak...I will never get to defend myself to him, or too the other people watching the videos....

I trust that my advocate would never say or do anything to intentionally hurt me, but he can't control what others may think or do...and that scares me.  He will defend me, but behind closed doors, people will say and believe what they want...

When I was a small child, I had so much fear...I lived in a constant state of fear...I still live in fear.  Not the kind of fear I experienced as a child, but the fear of being an adult with mental issues.  The fear of not being accepted, respected, or taken seriously.  I am not a joke...My emotions are more fragile than fine china....they are always teetering on the brink of shattering...a word, or phrase or even look can cause me to freak out inside...I am so insecure it is fucking ridiculous...my insecurity is my handicap.

I felt so insecure listening to the phone conversation...I don't want to be hated or looked upon as only a freak or the woman with DID.  If I ever meet the person on the other end of that phone call, they will immediately think "there is the DID woman", "how sad"...and they will have preconceived notions about me before ever actually talking to me face to face....

In the old days, when someone was being punished, they had to stand and let people throw stones/rocks at them, until they were killed....

Being on the videos, being the center of the subject matter, is like being that person who is being stoned....I feel like people out there will pick up rocks and start throwing them at me...."be quiet" "shut up" "liar" etc.....

DID is like a punishment...a life sentence I am being forced to serve when it wasn't my fault! or was it......................????

S,T,7