So yesterday I wrote about a dream I had. That dream stayed with me all day...I felt deep inside, so out of sorts...I felt angry, sad, confused, frustrated, discouraged and every other damn thing...But why??
Finally, after breaking down in tears while cooking dinner (no my cooking is not that bad!) I said to my advocate "I don't understand what is going on with me..."...
Him and I went and sat down on the couch. He called out Ally. Ally was very sad, she needed to talk about my cat. Earlier, or maybe later, my advocate talked with Sammy. Sammy is the one who had the bad dream last night. But because she only signs, it was hard for my advocate to figure out....why was Sammy dreaming? Why was Ally upset? 7 was fine, annoyed by my behavior probably...
Turns out, that dream was a precursor to a memory. A memory that Sammy released to me last night....now the dream made more sense.
Here is the memory:
When she was a little girl, she had a Siamese cat. That cats name was Sam. That cat was very quiet and hardly ever made a meow sound...she just sat on a TV or table and stared at everyone in the family. Sammy loved that cat.
One evening the "dad" locked the little girl and her sister in a room. I don't remember if it was a bedroom or what, but it did lock from the outside.
While the girls were locked in this room, they heard their dad yelling and throwing things, he was drunk and in a rage. The girls listened to their mother screaming in pain and saying "stop it".....they could hear him punching their mother...they could hear the fear and pain in her voice...the girls were scared for their mom, but they were also scared the dad would come back into the room....
As the girls were sitting with their backs to the door (trying to keep the door closed?)she heard the cat, Sam, (who never made a sound) meowed really loud, then a thud on the door...a loud horrible thud and oompf.....her dad had thrown the cat against the door and killed it.
Another animal killed by that monster. The bunny, Lou Lou, the duck and now Sam.
It was at that moment, when she realized that he had killed the cat, that as she sat on the other side of that door, her heart died for her mother. She no longer cared if her mother was hurt, she no longer cared anything about her....she could fight...the cat is just an animal...something inside that little girl just snapped.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Sammy got her name from that cat. The silent cat....silent sammy. She loved that cat...evidently something triggered her...was it the advocate locking the door each night before bed? That helped Ally be able to sleep, the door locked so the bad man can't come in...but Sammy, I guess, saw my advocate as "locking the door" so she couldn't get out, like her dad...him locking the door bothered her.
The resolution: when my advocate stays over, I, Sparrow, will be the one to say goodnight to him and lock the door behind me...by me locking the door, I think that will give Sammy peace that "we" are in control...not the bad man.
As my advocate and I were picking apart my dream, trying to figure it out...so much of the dream has been festering for a week...things in the dream could be connected to outside stimulus like the spitting, for instance. We watch a show on TV, and every time the townspeople say the name of certain town, they spit on the ground...it is very funny....but my dream had people spitting on me...and how many times have you not had cell service? very aggravating, and that was somehow incorporated into my dream...
It is funny how dreams can seem so fucking real....
Now, with me, many of my dreams are the alters dreams...their memories, their fears or desires...Sammy and Ally dream, we know that for a fact.
7 does not sleep...at all. Also, found out another thing about 7. She choose the number 7 as a name because it is gender neutral. 7 is not a female, 7 is not a male. She (and I call her "she" because the host is female) is just 7. She has nothing to do with sex or any other gender specific activity. She has one job, protect my heart. I do not know what she thinks she looks like, I have no ideal.
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As I was laying in bed last night, just about to fall asleep, Sammy gave me the memory of the cat being killed. Sammy and Ally had already told him of the cat, but they told him not to tell me, Sparrow, I guess since it was Sammy's cat that died, she needed to be the one to tell me...don't know....my advocate and I talked through the memory and the dream. Then when he left the room, I got up and locked the door.
Many times the alters will tell my advocate of a memory, but they tell him to not tell me. They release those memories to me on their time, not mine. So most often, my advocate already knows and is just waiting for me to remember....which actually is very smart because then my advocate can process the "horror" of the memory, so when I am reliving the memory and freaking out in fear or sadness or anger, he has already been there, and can be the calm one, the soothing one, the one to say all the things I need to hear or know to help me. I do not have to relive the horror again, by myself, I now have someone to help me get through them. Smart girls!
I slept all night...no nightmares...just sleep.
S, T
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