no more whining

 So I have been thinking alot about my last entry here....I reread it, and basically it just rehashes old shit.

 Why does having a girlfriend (bestie) mean so much to me?  Why do I even need friends at all?  Does anybody really need a friend, someone to pal around with, talk to, do fun stuff with....?  

I have always been a loner, I had one girlfriend in high school, but she dumped me for another bestie along the way...okay

I had a girlfriend for 30 yrs in Oklahoma...we had kids together, worked together at times, and spent time with each other, bringing our families together for playdates...

But when I left John, and left Oklahoma, she left me.  I tried to follow up with her, with my new address and life, and she was basically "have a nice life"....wow...she was definitely team John the entire time we were friends...Now she regards me as a mental case and a fool for leaving my marriage....

So here is the question?  Why am I so obsessed with having a friend?  Who the fuck really cares?   

Obviously I am not alone, I share my head with 7 others...having DID explains why I could never have a lasting friendship,  each of the girls in my head have different opinions, likes and desires, different outlooks on "their " life...which leads to confusion for those around me....I appear hypocritical and crazy, who wants to be a part of that?

I believe my girls, are the ones that make it impossible for me to have friends...maybe they are jealous if it is not all about them....or maybe they don't like the choice I make in friends...or maybe they are just trying to spare me the heartache of yet another "friend" walking away....

Knowing what I know now, in regards to my mental condition, it is no fucking wonder I am alone, and cannot hold on to friends....I am a walking nightmare of minds...

So,  this is my last whiny post about "poor pitiful me, nobody wants to be my friend"...I am going to buck it up, buttercup...and just live my life the best way I can now, my alters will be my friends..they always have been and the definitely have never left me, they are the only constant never changing aspect of my life.

Friendship is overrated anyway....I can be alone...I do alone well, being alone is who I am.

Alone with a head full of people....

But always alone at heart.  

For now, I seem to have an advocate who really cares for me, he is my friend, but for how long???  He says he will always be there for me, but I have heard those words so many times, yet I want to believe him, he seems sincere, but I suck at reading people's sincerity...My girls like him, front for him, so there is that...at least they are happy and have someone to talk to as themselves and not as "me"...they trust him.

I was once asked "why won't you just let me love you, how hard is that?"  For me, that is damn near impossible,  I do not recognize "love", not really...at least in a relationship type love....I can't.  

So, all that to say...I will be happy with myself.  I do not need a friend to validate my worth as a person,  I have my treehouse and my dog, and for now, my advocate.  

That is enough, it has to be.

S