A revelation

 Ok so it takes me awhile, takes awhile for things to "click" in my head...but I finally understand...

I understand why I am so immature

I understand why I am so insecure

I understand why I cannot keep friends

I understand now why I will never be a mature adult.

My brain was never allowed to grow up and mature, not like a "normal" human.  My brain split into 8 parts, all different ages, all varying states of maturity...but since they are not whole and complete people, they will never be adults...not in the way you think adults should be.  They are nothing but kids....

My alters never allowed me to grow and mature on my own...they did not let me deal with circumstances and adult situations like normal adults.   They did not let me grow up, they did not allow my brain to grow up....they have kept me down...

I am a six year old little girl, coloring, and playing with fucking dolls...how mature...

I am 20 something dancer who does not speak....very mature....

I am a 30 something angry person, who strikes out and hurts others...way mature....

I am a 50 yr old woman who has done all my chores, all my school, and my jobs for me, because I can't do them for myself....I have to have a babysitter.  

I am another 30 something that controls the feelings in my heart, never lets me experience heart matters so I can learn and grow...keeps me from fully trusting anyone...how fucking mature.

I am a wild woman of no distinct age, who lashes out and bites....extremely mature...

I am a 20/30 something woman who listens and hears all, yet lets me fall on my face all the time...

Having DID, for me, has been the very reason I cannot grow up....I cannot handle life on lifes terms, I am a child, stomping my foot and throwing a fit....how adorable...

How fucking mature and grown up of me.....pathetic

My physical body is 59 yrs old, but my minds are anything but...I am a clusterfuck of girls intertwined together to produce a "ridiculously immature woman"....I guess I will never grow up....they won't allow it.   Tessa should just take over my mind completely, push Sparrow in the grave, and be the adult mature responsible woman she is or tries to be.  

I am sure I am nothing but a pain in the ass to her, and to the other alters as well.  I wish I could step aside and let them have all of my life....obviously they are better equipped to deal with life than I am....a pathetic excuse for a human.  A human who could not control her mind, in fact, a human who just gave up, surrendered, and lost the fight.  

what a loser...Sparrow is a loser...Tessa, Sophee, Sammy, Kaos, Ally, Lilly and 7 are the winners in this game of life....I give up...they win.

S