A revelation

 Ok so it takes me awhile, takes awhile for things to "click" in my head...but I finally understand...

I understand why I am so immature

I understand why I am so insecure

I understand why I cannot keep friends

I understand now why I will never be a mature adult.

My brain was never allowed to grow up and mature, not like a "normal" human.  My brain split into 8 parts, all different ages, all varying states of maturity...but since they are not whole and complete people, they will never be adults...not in the way you think adults should be.  They are nothing but kids....

My alters never allowed me to grow and mature on my own...they did not let me deal with circumstances and adult situations like normal adults.   They did not let me grow up, they did not allow my brain to grow up....they have kept me down...

I am a six year old little girl, coloring, and playing with fucking dolls...how mature...

I am 20 something dancer who does not speak....very mature....

I am a 30 something angry person, who strikes out and hurts others...way mature....

I am a 50 yr old woman who has done all my chores, all my school, and my jobs for me, because I can't do them for myself....I have to have a babysitter.  

I am another 30 something that controls the feelings in my heart, never lets me experience heart matters so I can learn and grow...keeps me from fully trusting anyone...how fucking mature.

I am a wild woman of no distinct age, who lashes out and bites....extremely mature...

I am a 20/30 something woman who listens and hears all, yet lets me fall on my face all the time...

Having DID, for me, has been the very reason I cannot grow up....I cannot handle life on lifes terms, I am a child, stomping my foot and throwing a fit....how adorable...

How fucking mature and grown up of me.....pathetic

My physical body is 59 yrs old, but my minds are anything but...I am a clusterfuck of girls intertwined together to produce a "ridiculously immature woman"....I guess I will never grow up....they won't allow it.   Tessa should just take over my mind completely, push Sparrow in the grave, and be the adult mature responsible woman she is or tries to be.  

I am sure I am nothing but a pain in the ass to her, and to the other alters as well.  I wish I could step aside and let them have all of my life....obviously they are better equipped to deal with life than I am....a pathetic excuse for a human.  A human who could not control her mind, in fact, a human who just gave up, surrendered, and lost the fight.  

what a loser...Sparrow is a loser...Tessa, Sophee, Sammy, Kaos, Ally, Lilly and 7 are the winners in this game of life....I give up...they win.

S

no more whining

 So I have been thinking alot about my last entry here....I reread it, and basically it just rehashes old shit.

 Why does having a girlfriend (bestie) mean so much to me?  Why do I even need friends at all?  Does anybody really need a friend, someone to pal around with, talk to, do fun stuff with....?  

I have always been a loner, I had one girlfriend in high school, but she dumped me for another bestie along the way...okay

I had a girlfriend for 30 yrs in Oklahoma...we had kids together, worked together at times, and spent time with each other, bringing our families together for playdates...

But when I left John, and left Oklahoma, she left me.  I tried to follow up with her, with my new address and life, and she was basically "have a nice life"....wow...she was definitely team John the entire time we were friends...Now she regards me as a mental case and a fool for leaving my marriage....

So here is the question?  Why am I so obsessed with having a friend?  Who the fuck really cares?   

Obviously I am not alone, I share my head with 7 others...having DID explains why I could never have a lasting friendship,  each of the girls in my head have different opinions, likes and desires, different outlooks on "their " life...which leads to confusion for those around me....I appear hypocritical and crazy, who wants to be a part of that?

I believe my girls, are the ones that make it impossible for me to have friends...maybe they are jealous if it is not all about them....or maybe they don't like the choice I make in friends...or maybe they are just trying to spare me the heartache of yet another "friend" walking away....

Knowing what I know now, in regards to my mental condition, it is no fucking wonder I am alone, and cannot hold on to friends....I am a walking nightmare of minds...

So,  this is my last whiny post about "poor pitiful me, nobody wants to be my friend"...I am going to buck it up, buttercup...and just live my life the best way I can now, my alters will be my friends..they always have been and the definitely have never left me, they are the only constant never changing aspect of my life.

Friendship is overrated anyway....I can be alone...I do alone well, being alone is who I am.

Alone with a head full of people....

But always alone at heart.  

For now, I seem to have an advocate who really cares for me, he is my friend, but for how long???  He says he will always be there for me, but I have heard those words so many times, yet I want to believe him, he seems sincere, but I suck at reading people's sincerity...My girls like him, front for him, so there is that...at least they are happy and have someone to talk to as themselves and not as "me"...they trust him.

I was once asked "why won't you just let me love you, how hard is that?"  For me, that is damn near impossible,  I do not recognize "love", not really...at least in a relationship type love....I can't.  

So, all that to say...I will be happy with myself.  I do not need a friend to validate my worth as a person,  I have my treehouse and my dog, and for now, my advocate.  

That is enough, it has to be.

S

veritable mess, thats me...

 Sometimes I feel so lost...like a shipwrecked person on an isolated island.  Where am I?  Why am I here?  What do I do? How do I get back?"   

Yesterday, I texted with all three of my kids...and I realized that I missed them so much, and I realized that I am so far away from my family.  One of my sons is going in for surgery, and I can't be there....my grandsons are growing like weeds..and I am not there.

I am so far away from them that I don't even exist anymore...I am a nobody now...another face in a sea of strange faces...none of my grandkids will know who I am...a nobody for sure.

I thought that I was in a relationship with my advocate, but I was wrong about that too, I am his project...nothing more nothing less...his DID Youtube project.  I am still married to a man I only want to be friends with, not wife too....but to divorce him I would lose my health insurance and support....I am such a fucking loser....I have to rely on him, the man, I left, to still take care of me...and he is.  Despite everything I have done, he still loves me and is taking care of me the best way he knows how from 1000 miles away...that makes me feel like shit...maggot infested shit.

My advocate takes care of me too...but he is taking care of me because of my "alters"...they like him, they are comfortable with him, unlike with my husband, only Tessa liked him, I think...so for the alters, life is so much better than life in Oklahoma, so they are happy...but me Sparrow?  I try to be happy, but it is hard, because I am only 1/8th of a person.  So I am outnumbered...

I know that my kids will never let their children (my grandsons) fly out to see me...I don't matter enough to them.  Besides they have John...the perfect papa...they don't need me anyway...I am nothing...the crazy memaw...that is all they will ever know and think of me...and that makes my heart ache...

Been here almost 4 yrs and still have literally no friends...no one to hang with or go shopping with, just my advocate.  Women do not want to be friends with me...so I sit everyday, alone, and wait for the advocate to get off work so I can see him...

Why don't women like me?  I have women friends on facebook, but that is internet, not real life...I have tried many times to be friends with women, I have asked my neighbor if she would like to go kayaking, she said YES, but everytime came up with an excuse to bow out....I have asked numerous times for another neighbor "hey lets go have a drink" and she bowed out every time with excuses...then another woman said "lets go to the mall or shooting or something"  yet that was just fucking words...nothing ever materialized and she begged out...

Is it because I have alters?

Am I too ugly to be around?

what is it about me, that women only give me lip service?

even in Oklahoma, I had no girlfriends really...

do they think I am gonna try and steal their boyfriends/husbands?

or am I just that "un-friend-like"...

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Sucks to be me,

as others can see.

a veritable  mess,

they seem to guess...

a hideous face,

in a strange place.

seriously alone,

this old crone...

I guess this is it,

for a life that all shit.

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S, T, sammy

So it starts....

 So,  I have been sitting on this for a couple of days.  Trying to process, accept and forget something someone said on my facebook page.  This was said on my private page (the one for friends and family) NOT on my Sparrows House page (DID).

This is a guy I met online through another site on facebook.  He seemed nice, I checked out his page, he seemed ok.  And he is from England, which made me feel safe because he is so far away.....BOY, was I wrong.

I invited him to join my Sparrows House page, partly because I want to get the word out about DID and partly because the woman and doctor I follow on Youtube are also from England.  I follow "Multiplicity: ending the stigma of DID, and Dr. Mike Lloyd of the CTAD clinic.  

Since he was on both my pages, maybe he thought I was faking because one page there is no mention of the DID and the other is all about DID...was he confused?  I have always made it clear about the two pages and they need to stay separate, maybe he missed the memo?

It would have been one thing for him to post this on the Sparrows House page, that is what that page is for, education, questions, comments etc....but this fuck wad decided to out me on my regular page...what a fucking dick.  His post was only on 40 minutes before I saw it and deleted it.  But a few of my friends on both my pages saw it.  This angers me for alot of reasons, first he disrespected my privacy, he deliberately tried to hurt me with his words.  He had no regard for my mental health and he mocked a very real and serious issue.....He did not take the time to learn about this, how it is born, what it takes to live day to day, he didn't give a shit.  He somehow thought that I got up one day and decided I needed attention...."oh look, I think I will have DID"...what is funny about that train of thought is, I had no ideal what DID even was...I had never heard of it.  I was completely clueless like all the non-DID sufferers out there.   This idiot fucker did not even try to understand, research or even look at the Youtube videos, or other videos I had posted on the page concerning DID.  He reveled in his ignorance.

The only thing that upset me the most about his post, is that he did it on a page that was not about the condition.  He deliberately tried to hurt me...he is no fucking better than that ass wipe that abused me...this fucker is abusive and needs to die.  Period.  He probably beat his own kids and is the worse human in England.   But, I am aware that people, many people, will not believe me and they will say the exact things to me that he said....I have to get a thick skin about this sort of condemnation.  So, his comments really didn't mean anything to me in the scheme of things, but still, this is a guy who past judgement on a person  he has never even met in person...WOW, what a colossal ass.

Now, Sophee, on the other hand, was livid.  She is like "I told you so"....if she could have she would fucking have beat the shit out of that guy....I think out of all the girls, Sophee is the one that is not 100% behind me in this DID project (videos).  She is like "I told you so"...I don't know if she was angry that he posted on the page he did, or that he posted at all...hard to know with her.

I try and think about Multiplicity and the amount of naysayers she must have to rifle through after each video she makes....I, as a rule, do not read the comments on Youtube, but I do read the comments on my Sparrows Page and my other page...I don't understand how people can say that we are "faking it, or looking for attention"...how do they know??? are they inside our heads?  Did they get a front row seat to the abuse we went through as a child?  What gives them the authority to say it is fake?  I swear people need to keep their opinions to themselves, and instead of jumping to conclusions, why not research and study the condition, and become educated, then make your decision....fuck people are so goddamn ignorant.

Sparrow

Silent Sam, the cat

 So yesterday I wrote about a dream I had.  That dream stayed with me all day...I felt deep inside, so out of sorts...I felt angry, sad, confused, frustrated, discouraged and every other damn thing...But why??

Finally, after breaking down in tears while cooking dinner (no my cooking is not that bad!) I said to my advocate "I don't understand what is going on with me..."...

Him and I went and sat down on the couch.  He called out Ally.  Ally was very sad, she needed to talk about  my cat.  Earlier, or maybe later, my advocate talked with Sammy.  Sammy is the one who had the bad dream last night.  But because she only signs, it was hard for my advocate to figure out....why was Sammy dreaming?  Why was Ally upset? 7 was fine, annoyed by my behavior probably...

Turns out, that dream was a precursor to a memory.  A memory that Sammy released to me last night....now the dream made more sense.

Here is the memory:

When she was a little girl, she had a Siamese cat.  That cats name was Sam.  That cat was very quiet and hardly ever made a meow sound...she just sat on a TV or table and stared at everyone in the family.  Sammy loved that cat.

One evening the "dad" locked the little girl and her sister in a room.  I don't remember if it was a bedroom or what, but it did lock from the outside.

While the girls were locked in this room, they heard their dad yelling and throwing things, he was drunk and in a rage.  The girls listened to their mother screaming in pain and saying "stop it".....they could hear him punching their mother...they could hear the fear and pain in her voice...the girls were scared for their mom, but they were also scared the dad would come back into the room....

As the girls were sitting with their backs to the door (trying to keep the door closed?)she heard the cat, Sam, (who never made a sound) meowed really loud, then a thud on the door...a loud horrible thud and oompf.....her dad had thrown the cat against the door and killed it.  

Another animal killed by that monster.   The bunny, Lou Lou, the duck and now Sam.

It was at that moment, when she realized that he had killed the cat, that as she sat on the other side of that door, her heart died for her mother.  She no longer cared if her mother was hurt, she no longer cared anything about her....she could fight...the cat is just an animal...something inside that little girl just snapped.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Sammy got her name from that cat.  The silent cat....silent sammy.  She loved that cat...evidently something triggered her...was it the advocate locking the door each night before bed?  That helped Ally be able to sleep, the door locked so the bad man can't come in...but Sammy, I guess, saw my advocate as "locking the door" so she couldn't get out, like her dad...him locking the door bothered her.

The resolution:  when my advocate stays over, I, Sparrow, will be the one to say goodnight to him and lock the door behind me...by me locking the door, I think that will give Sammy peace that "we" are in control...not the bad man.

As my advocate and I were picking apart my dream, trying to figure it out...so much of the dream has been festering for a week...things in the dream could be connected to outside stimulus like the spitting, for instance.  We watch a show on TV, and every time the townspeople say the name of certain town, they spit on the ground...it is very funny....but my dream had people spitting on me...and how many times have you not had cell service?  very aggravating, and that was somehow incorporated into my dream...

It is funny how dreams can seem so fucking real....

Now, with me, many of my dreams are the alters dreams...their memories, their fears or desires...Sammy and Ally dream, we know that for a fact.

7 does not sleep...at all.  Also, found out another thing about 7.  She choose the number 7 as a name because it is gender neutral.  7 is not a female, 7 is not a male.  She (and I call her "she" because the host is female) is just 7.  She has nothing to do with sex or any other gender specific activity.  She has one job, protect my heart.   I do not know what she thinks she looks like, I have no ideal.

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As I was laying in bed last night, just about to fall asleep, Sammy gave me the memory of the cat being killed. Sammy and Ally had already told him of the cat, but they told him not to tell me, Sparrow,  I guess since it was Sammy's cat that died, she needed to be the one to tell me...don't know....my advocate and I talked through the memory and the dream.  Then when he left the room, I got up and locked the door.  

Many times the alters will tell my advocate of a memory, but they tell him to not tell me.  They release those memories to me on their time, not mine.  So most often, my advocate already knows and is just waiting for me to remember....which actually is very smart because then my advocate can process the "horror" of the memory, so when I am reliving the memory and freaking out in fear or sadness or anger, he has already been there, and can be the calm one, the soothing one, the one to say all the things I need to hear or know to help me.  I do not have to relive the horror again, by myself, I now have someone to help me get through them.  Smart girls!

I slept all night...no nightmares...just sleep.

S, T

Can't afford to care...

 I was awakened by my dog barking like crazy....I jumped up and ran towards the door....it was so dark that I hit the wall and bounced off.....all of the sudden I was sitting in a chair,  and people were all around me....laughing, pointing, spitting at me....

I was so scared, and bewildered...why does everybody hate me?? What did I do wrong??

I could not find my dog....I tried to talk, but nothing would come out of my mouth...I tried to stand up, but my legs were like rubber....

I had my phone in my hand, but the numbers would not dial...I could not get service...and the people around me were advancing towards me....getting too close....

I heard my dog barking again...where was he???  Why isn't he with me.....

a door opened and my advocate walked in....he walked in and stared at me, nodded, then walked back out and shut the door...he locked the door...

Lou Lou was under my chair....I wanted to cry but did not have any tears....

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This is a dream that woke me up at 5:30 am.  It was so real...was Boomer really barking?  It took me awhile of just laying there, to finally put it all together that I was only dreaming.....what does this dream mean?

I have not thought of Lou Lou in a very long time....in my dream I saw people but did not know who they were.....strangers.....except for my advocate....was he turning his back on me in my dream?  Is this dream, prophetic?  

I hate when I have dreams and in my dreams I can't run, or I can't scream, or I can't get cell service....these dreams leave me feeling trapped.

Am I trapped now?  Trapped in my own head?  Are the girls my prison guards?  Is my advocate the warden?  Were the people in my dream, actually my alters??? Why would they spit on me....do they hate me??? I can't see their face....I can't see their sex, their color, only that they are human....what?

Is living here in Virginia, my prison?  I always felt like here I was free!  But am I?  I will never be free...my head, my memories, my alters, will always keep me bound in chains...stuck to the chair....screaming with no sound...

S

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"when all the lights go out on you"

"and when your worthless life is through"

"I will remember how you screamed"

"I will remember everything"

"I can't afford to care"

Sammy

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throwing stones

 So last night, my advocate was on the phone talking to a friend of his.  They talked about all sorts of things, catching up etc...then the phone conversation turned to me, DID and our videos.  At first, I was okay with the conversation, but then it started getting pretty detailed about the abuse (without specifics) and severe trauma that births DID...

I started feeling really uncomfortable....being the subject.   I know that now with the videos out, and me "coming out" about my DID...I need to be use to being the subject...but I am not.   Despite everything, I am still just a scared little girl inside.

Scared that I won't be accepted

scared that I will be abandoned

scared that people will hate me

scared that they will think I am lying

scared of what people will think of me

scared of being ridiculed and mocked

scared of being hated....

This friend that my advocate was talking too, does not know me from Adam....I have never met him and probably never will....but this is another person who knows all about me,  another person to judge me, question me, look at me as a freak...I will never get to defend myself to him, or too the other people watching the videos....

I trust that my advocate would never say or do anything to intentionally hurt me, but he can't control what others may think or do...and that scares me.  He will defend me, but behind closed doors, people will say and believe what they want...

When I was a small child, I had so much fear...I lived in a constant state of fear...I still live in fear.  Not the kind of fear I experienced as a child, but the fear of being an adult with mental issues.  The fear of not being accepted, respected, or taken seriously.  I am not a joke...My emotions are more fragile than fine china....they are always teetering on the brink of shattering...a word, or phrase or even look can cause me to freak out inside...I am so insecure it is fucking ridiculous...my insecurity is my handicap.

I felt so insecure listening to the phone conversation...I don't want to be hated or looked upon as only a freak or the woman with DID.  If I ever meet the person on the other end of that phone call, they will immediately think "there is the DID woman", "how sad"...and they will have preconceived notions about me before ever actually talking to me face to face....

In the old days, when someone was being punished, they had to stand and let people throw stones/rocks at them, until they were killed....

Being on the videos, being the center of the subject matter, is like being that person who is being stoned....I feel like people out there will pick up rocks and start throwing them at me...."be quiet" "shut up" "liar" etc.....

DID is like a punishment...a life sentence I am being forced to serve when it wasn't my fault! or was it......................????

S,T,7

foot in mouth, again

 SWEAR TO ALL THE GODS....everytime I open my fucking mouth I insert my foot....when will I learn to keep my opinions and comments to myself??

There are people who I don't give a fuck if I offend or hurt with my words...but then there are those that I go to great lengths not to offend or hurt....

I am friends with my advocates daughter on facebook.  I really like her, I think she is really cool...she posted a meme about the "beauty of death", so I commented in comparing the beauty of us being Stardust to creating new planets...scientific beauty...but this must have upset or offended her, she removed my post.  I did not cuss, I did not make reference to any god, or religious leaning...I just compared the two....

Now, of all the people I NEVER want to offend is her.  Because I know that she is his real "baby girl".   I am just his "girlfriend" "project"....I know that if I offended or upset her to the point that she remarked as much to him, that he would fucking drop me like a hot potato.  I AM NOT FAMILY, NOT HIS FAMILY.  I NEVER WILL BE, BECAUSE I WON'T MARRY HIM...I know that if push came to shove, I will lose, every time.  Whether it is with his daughter, or his young son...I am basically collateral damage.

I decided to unfollow his daughter.  That way, I will never be tempted to post a comment therefore not upsetting her.  

It is like I try so hard to be a good person...I never deliberately try to hurt anyone, I can't....but it doesn't matter...because at the end of the day, that is exactly what I do...I hurt people.  My very life, hurts people.

When my DID videos become more known, they will hurt people...because I can't forgive...

I just don't understand why I am always the bad person??  

I am so upset with myself for upsetting his daughter. (I sent her a message apologizing, so I hope she accepts it).  My heart feels like it is going to burst into tears at any moment....My advocate is literally all I have in the world, and if his daughter decides I am no good, then he will leave me....I will be alone...again.  Blood is always thicker than water...

S,7

Brain tumors and DID, part 2

 So the last post was about my health issues...and I wondered if the girls knew I had brain tumors.  I posted this on my facebook page, and a friend said to ask the girls!  DUH, so I posed the question on my whiteboard.

The "yes" is from 7, and the "of course" is from Tessa.  They answered my question.  The others have not answered it yet because they have not fronted yet since I asked.

My advocate talked with 7 about the tumors.  She is aware that I (Sparrow) has tumors as is Tessa.  BUT, they think that is only me, Sparrow.  They don't have brain tumors.......

WHAT???

Probably Sammy and Sophee would also say that they know of the tumors, but they don't have any....Ally will feel my headaches, so she knows something is wrong, but she is 6, so she doesn't really care...

Since they are all in my head...of course they have brain tumors too....but, when they front, they are very separate personalities and people...a brain tumor diagnosis was not given to them, it was given to Sparrow.  Maybe had Tessa been fronting when the doctor delivered the news, then she would think she has the tumors....I don't know, it is so hard to figure out what they know, how they think, etc.....

But they are aware of my brain cancer.   Is Sammy aware? or Sophee?  I know that Lilly is aware of them, she knows and watches and listens to everything, she is the controller of "Sparrow"...she was the first, the boss...but I do not want her to front to answer the question on the board...why?

Because when Lilly fronts, I get a thunderclap headache that literally puts me down....

My advocate asked once, I believe he asked Tessa, "why does Lilly hurt Sparrows head when she fronts?"  Her response was not verbatim but kinda like this "when anyone of us front, we still are around...Like "sitting in a room, when one speaks she stands up and the attention is on her, while the others sit around and listen"  but when Lilly fronts, she takes up the entire room...nobody is sitting around watching...she uses my entire brain to front while the others don't.  

That is why her appearance causes thunderclap head pain...all the girls are aware of Lilly.  They know Lilly is the top dog...if you will!!  so funny the shit that DID brings...

So in summary:  the alters, girls, are aware of Sparrow, what she does, how she feels, etc...so when Sparrow is sick, only sparrow is sick, the others don't feel they are sick....but they have to deal with Sparrows body when she is sick...Now Ally, will front and complain of a stuffy nose, or headache or whatever..she feels all Sparrows aches and pains and voices that to the advocate.  I do not think that the other girls voice health issues at all....

S

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PS.  7 fronted last night and my advocate asked her if she knew that Sparrow had brain tumors.  She did not.  She did not even know what a brain tumor was, but she did remember the brain surgery I had.  So he explained it all to her.