So my day started out pretty good, yesterday...but it took a nose dive...and all of the sudden I went from happy to frustrated, angry and bewildered....huh?
This is DID, one minute happy go lucky, the next minute, angry, suicidal, or sad...Seems my head is in a constant motion, up and down, round and round...evidently if you don't like who I am, then wait a minute...
My advocate tried to explain to me what happened yesterday. He said it is a regular pattern for me...I get excited or look forward to something, then I sabotage it so it does not happen...well, one of the girls will sabotage it, namely 7. It seems that she does not want me to be happy, she does not want my heart to soar....she wants to keep it locked up and stagnant....she does this as her way of protecting me, protecting my heart from disappointment or hurt...if I don't expect or look forward to anything, then I don't get let down or hurt.
Once my advocate explained this to me, it made sense. I do not have close girlfriends, why? because that is a threat to my heart...I don't hope for things or want desires fulfilled because I don't want to be let down....this has been my entire life. I have never allowed myself to be "happy", I am always looking for the other shoe to drop and my life and heart to be turned upside down again....my family has let me down, my friends have let me down, even that stupid ass christian god has let me down....my whole entire life has been one let down after another, and 7 is trying to put a stop to that...in her weird way she feels she is doing the right thing by me....
Here is an example of 7 at work:
I have plans to go on a date. I am excited about it, and looking forward to it, I start imagining in my head how the date will pan out....I think about my wardrobe, my hair, my make up, etc....my heart begins to swell with anticipation...
then all the sudden, hear comes the thoughts: I don't have anything to wear, I look like shit, my hair sucks...he will be too tired to go out...dinner out will make me sick...we will end up in a disagreement...and the date night will turn into disaster night...and I will be left discouraged and heartbroken, this is 7.
She redirects my thoughts, she tries to circumvent anything from hurting me...she shuts me down and manipulates my emotions into such a state that, I don't want to fucking go out on a date, I don't want to eat, I don't want this or that...that way, in assuring that my "date night" won't happen, she is protecting my heart from being sad....
I hate that this happens, and for whatever its worth, she feels she is doing me a favor, but she is really not. She is hurting me even more, by manipulating my heart.
7 will cause me to doubt myself, and doubt everyone and everything around me...she still does not trust my advocate the way the other girls do...she will try and sabotage our relationship every chance she can get...My guess is that she still believes that he will hurt me, exploit me/us for his gain.
As of right now, 9 am, I am looking forward to this evening and going downtown for labor day festivals and stuff, being with my advocate and having a fun time....
If we actually make it to the events, will be another matter...if she thinks this "date" is not good for me, then the self-sabotage will begin...and we will never make it downtown...we will stay in my apartment and watch TV.....
I am not getting my hopes up, nor am I going to really plan on going downtown, that way when it doesn't happen, I will be fine, no expectations...
This is my life...this is DID...a constant battle of wills in my head....
Sparrow
PS Found out a little more about 7. 7 is neither female or male. 7 does not identify as one sex or another. I refer to her as a "she" because all the others are female and the host body is female. But 7 is just 7.
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