today

 Okay, so, my last billion posts were so fucking depressing...Sorry about that....I am feeling better, nothing like a good butt whooping!  HA

I can't promise my "better" mood will stay....it can turn on a dime with a "trigger"...I wish I knew every single one of my triggers so I could avoid them.

I know alot of them, but sometimes out of the blue, a "word"  may be spoken, or a smell, or a memory of someone elses can trigger a memory in me....I wish all my memories were fun and sweet, but so many are not.  I know that my girls hold so many memories,  do I want to eventually learn of them all???  FUCK NO.  What I don't know won't hurt me, right?

All I know, is that when I am triggered negatively, can can fall down the mountain very quickly...its because I do not know how to think "objectively" about the memory, I feel it as if it is happening right this instant...I feel like I am being attacked and need to take cover...only my cover is self-flagellation.  If I can punish myself, then no one else will have to do it....I let depression cover me like a warm blanket...and it is fear that keeps me from overcoming alot of triggers....I withdraw into myself.

So, enough of that.

I got so much done yesterday...which makes me feel a sense of accomplishment, or maybe Tessa is the accomplishment, whatever...I still felt good about everything I got done.

I did not even overthink or let what was posted on my Sparrows Page on facebook, get to me...I let it go, and my advocate put her in her place.  I hope that she will watch all my videos, and learn about DID...not just what she thinks it is, she needs to study, research and be objective, which she has not shown to be.  

My sister, rejected me, blew me off and refuses to accept or even recognize my DID...fine, now when someone else is trying to discount it, saying my alters are nothing more than past lives visiting me...THE FUCK???

SO, now two people seem to not believe me or, the abuse, or the DID.  

Family is the worse at believing anything,  they would believe a friend or co-worker if they disclosed they had DID...but when a family member has it, well that can't be true...I knew her when...she is lying, whatever....mostly its because they don't want to acknowledge their own culpability in the situation.  Denial keeps their conscience free...

I really don't want to be referred to as "8 thorns"...I was just angry and trying to hurt myself to justify my anger...I was self punishing, which I am very good at.  When I hate myself, I hate myself with a goddamn passion....ugh

Soooooooooo, today is a good day.

S